shared vales, arguments, clashing values, timing in relationships

How To Prevent The Top 2 Causes Of Breakups

How To Prevent The Top 2 Causes Of Breakups

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal 5 keys to protect you from falling victim to the top 2 causes of breakups.

First a quick update:

The Breakup Test
Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? Do you know how your ex is truly affecting you and do you want to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.

Do You Seek Other Peoples Approval?
Who decides how you feel about yourself? Is it you or someone else? If you seek external validation, then you lose your power.  Watch the video

Now, let’s talk about the 5 keys to protect you from falling victim to the top 2 causes of breakups.

What do you think are the top 2 causes of relationship breakups?

Betrayal?
Infidelity?
Deceit?
Money?
Sex?
Personality?

None of the above!

More than 3,800 people have taken my free, ongoing online Breakup Test. The first question, “What caused your breakup?” offers 47 options and the opportunity to select multiple causes for the breakup.

Men and women cite the same issues as the top 2 causes of breakups:

1. “We argued constantly”
2. “We wanted different things in life”

Here are 5 ways to prevent these 2 causes of breakups.

1. Shared Values
‘Shared values’ is the foundation for a strong, long lasting and fulfilling relationship – romantic or business.

A clash in values will lead to arguments, and arguments will escalate when there is a desire for hierarchical status or power and/or a lack of skill in conflict resolution (see below.)
Wanting “different things in life” means there is also a clash in values.

In my Breakup Test, in the top 5 causes of breakups, women also cite “I wanted more time than my ex could offer.”

Again, this is a clash in values: the man has a different priority or different responsibilities. Perhaps she said to you that she wants material things and financial security, but she really wants and needs more time and attention than you thought. She also wants to be adored.

2. Wanting the same things at the same time
What stage of life are you in? What are your responsibilities?

Another key component of shared values is wanting the same things, and, at the same time.

When you and your partner are in different stages in life, you will want different things, and you will clash. For example, a man and woman may both want children, but perhaps because of her age, the woman might want children now while he would prefer to wait, or, another example: Sam is 15 years older than his girlfriend, age 22; she doesn’t want children for another 6 years. Sam wants children now, not when he is 43.

Most couples ignore such clashes in values until they become deal breakers, not realizing they were always unspoken deal breakers.

Thus, it makes sense that “bad timing” is also one of the top 5 causes of breakups cited by both men and women.

The solution: Establish your core values, priorities, responsibilities, and stage of life, and then determine if they align or complement those of your potential partner before you commit. Wanting different things in life is thus another major cause of breakups.

3. Disarming arguments
When you are arguing, do you attempt to be proven right or perhaps to make the other person understand your position? Either approach often causes the argument to escalate because you are criticizing, condemning, invalidating or trying to dominate your partner and establish hierarchical status. You are being assertive but not cooperative.

Solution to disarm arguments: Make a conscious choice to lower your defensiveness and express sincere concern for the other person. Seek to understand the other person first and beware of trying to be right, win the argument, be validated or establish power over him/her. Notice when you are reacting and cutting off the other person; let them speak and listen deeply, intently, and completely. Allow them to complete their thought and concern. Also, notice if your partner’s choices or actions have triggered something for you that is in fact, a childhood issue or unresolved pain or trauma of yours. Read more “One strategy to disarm arguments”

4. Open your heart
I rarely work with couples because most couples focus on wanting to change their partner and are unwilling to see what their own individual and personal challenges are. Thus, I primarily work with individuals who have had the awakening that they need help to release emotions and change subconscious beliefs and behaviors. 

When I do work with couples, I also engage them in ‘heart openers’ – exercises that help both of them to open and become vulnerable, to express emotional intimacy.

Emotional intimacy is the conscious choice to reveal more of your self – your dreams, fears, desires, pain, weaknesses, strengths, emotional needs, and unresolved issues. Emotional intimacy involves being willing to openly express your love for your partner.

5. The 17 transformational words
Arguments can be dissolved, emotional intimacy can be enhanced, bonds can deepen, and wounds can be healed when you choose to use these seventeen words – from the heart:

I am sorry
I was wrong
Please forgive me
I love you
I forgive you

I teach this same principle in workshops for corporations: even in a work setting (with the exception of “I love you”) these above words build trust and authenticity, and demonstrate care, accountability & responsibility.

If you would like to learn more about relationships and how to get over a breakup, listen to my audio book, “Get Over Your Ex Now!”
If you need personal help to overcome a breakup, fear, anxiety, trauma or the past, book a one-on-one session with me.

You can add to the conversation below.

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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

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