In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to like to reveal steps towards recovering and mourning a breakup or loss of a relationship.
First a quick update:
The Breakup Test
Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? How would you like to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.
How Do You Solve Problems? By Adding More?
Do you think of adding or removing when trying to solve a problem? A new study reveals the default mode to problem solving is to add even when it is not the right solution. Why is more always more? Read the article with my quotes and insights.
Are You Feeling Guilty Or Ashamed?
Do you feel guilty or ashamed for something you have done or for your past relationship or Ex? Do you know the difference between guilt and shame? Watch the video and learn how to overcome guilt and shame.
Have you noticed that most of what we learn to do is to acquire things, and yet we struggle so deeply to let go of things and relationships? We struggle with the loss of a relationship because we are not taught to deal with change, with endings and loss. Therefore, we are not prepared or skilled in responding to the breakup or ending of a relationship.
To recover from the mourning of a breakup, you must take a certain set of actions and change your attitude and mindset. You will, inevitably experience anger, frustration, hopelessness, and many other negative emotions.
One of the key emotions that people experience when there is a breakup or loss of a relationship (or any loss for that matter) is guilt, and sometimes guilt is appropriate because it represents our conscience and alignment with our values. Whenever we look back upon any relationship, we will find somewhere, somehow that we did something wrong; we were lacking. “If only I had…why didn’t I…?”
On the other hand, sometimes we will avoid feeling the pain of guilt or, we will run from guilt towards blame. In other words, we will focus on blaming the other person for the relationship outcome or breakup primarily as a way of avoiding feeling and facing our own guilt.
It is also natural to experience anger along with the sense of isolation or loneliness. There is always sadness when there is loss or change. And whenever there is a breakup or loss of a relationship, there is also a huge chunk of identity that is ripped out. That shattered identity is often experienced as emptiness. Thus, you think to yourself, “Who am I without this person?” This is a natural question. And the deeper the bond and stronger and more entwined together your lives were, the greater the gaping hole of emptiness will be.
It’s critical to be really weary of thinking that you have fully recovered and that you are over the loss, and everything is just fine.
“I’ve always thought that some of the things people suffer most from are the things they tell themselves that are not true.” – Elvin Semrad
What truth do you need to face and accept?
Remember, what makes the grieving and mourning so much worse is the way that you react to the loss. It’s critical to accept the pain, the disappointment, the frustration, and the heartache that is being caused by the end of this relationship. It is your choice to take full responsibility for what you feel. That begins with identifying, labeling, and accepting all of the emotions that you are experiencing. I teach, “You are allowed to feel whatever you feel.” You cannot heal without accepting and validating what you feel. The next critical step is your choice about what you will do with that feeling: will you face it, exaggerate it or release it (via understanding, compassion and acceptance?)
Notice, too, the way that you are running away from feeling and experiencing those emotions, from confronting the pain of the loss.
How do most people escape the pain of a breakup or loss?
Food, alcohol, drugs, workaholism, shopping, obsessive behaviors such as surfing the internet endlessly, bingeing on TV movies or shows or sex.
Think now about a former loss. How did you deal with it? How did you in the past deal with loss and grief? What is your default mode of response to loss and grief? And how did that help you or not? Be willing to be completely honest and open with yourself to admit the way your current behaviors, responses and reactions are making it worse for you the move through the grieving process.
You are probably still stuck in this empty space where there has been no closure. It’s not always possible to get the closure in the way you want or expect. Perhaps the relationship has ended and the other person is dead or won’t communicate with you or perhaps he/she doesn’t really know how to explain their motivations or doesn’t have any interest in doing so.
Closure must come from within you.
It’s up to you to seek understanding, acceptance and compassion for yourself as well as for the other person. What are you refusing to accept about yourself or the role you played in this relationship? And even if you did play a key role that destroyed the relationship, then the responsibility and onus is still upon you to move to acceptance and forgiveness of yourself.
“When people are having trouble loving currently, it’s because they have an old love that they’ve never given up” – Elvin Semrad
You have the choice to acknowledge, bear and keep in perspective the painful emotions and effects of the breakup or loss. It is up to you to stop, look, listen, and stop running from yourself and life. It is up to you to harness open-mindedness, willingness, and courage. Don’t expect to do this on your own. You will need help, and the more you are willing to open, be vulnerable and allow others to help, support, comfort and accept you, the easier your recovery will be from the breakup or loss of the relationship.
Beware, too, of the dangerous myths regarding loss and grieving.
All relationships are unique, as you are, too, and therefore the recovery process is unique for each person. If you would like help professional help to heal the mourning and breakup, or to overcome guilt or shame, book a one-on-one session with me.
You can add to the conversation below.
I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.