In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the 6 wrong reasons to marry or enter into a relationship.
First a quick update:
The Breakup Test
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How To Overcome Anxiety
Every one of us is facing great challenges during this crisis. Anxiety is one of them! Here are simple but effective strategies to overcome anxiety now. Watch my video to learn how to neutralize anxiety by dealing with the thoughts and your physiology
Did you get together with your partner or ex for the wrong reasons?
Did you know that the top cause of breakups is arguments?
Arguments that are the result of partnering for the wrong reasons – the wrong motivations – the wrong values.
Here are the top 6 wrong reasons people get married – along with their antidote.
1. Pressure – friends, family, peers, society or religion demand that you be married or in a relationship
You are not actually thinking about love, compatibility, shared values, shared goals and dreams or emotional intimacy. You are only thinking about the commitment – to build a life together but the commitment is not authentic because you are doing it to please other people, to get approval or to avoid criticism and rebuke.
Antidote: Whose life is it? Yours or theirs? Remind yourself that you are pleasing them now, but they will be even less agreeable and approving when you breakup or divorce. And you will struggle before they give their blessing to end the marriage i.e. you will suffer for years in order to please them!
2. Loneliness – feeling alone, isolated, disconnected or left out
Again, you are not actually thinking about love, compatibility, shared values, shared goals and dreams or emotional intimacy. You simply don’t want to be alone anymore, and you want the loneliness to end. You are seeking a friend and companion but settling for an incompatible roommate or coparent whom you will be tied to for the rest of your life, and who cannot ever truly fill the inner emptiness.
Antidote: Resolve the inner issues that create the feelings of loneliness. Place more energy and focus on love and finding the suitable partner. Don’t make your partner or spouse responsible for your happiness.
Compatibility refers to temperament, character, love languages, timing, stages of life, skills in conflict resolution, and values.
3. Insecurity/Personal Unhappiness – unresolved issues
You don’t feel good about yourself; you don’t feel worthy or good enough. You hope and expect that once you are in a relationship or married, that all of the unhappiness and self-loathing (emotional pain or subconscious reasons you think you are not lovable or good enough) will dissolve or disappear. Instead, you become even more miserable because your partner cannot heal you and actually triggers your issues and pain. Now you have more problems than before because you also have to deal with the misery from the unsatisfying relationship.
Antidote: Heal your unresolved issues. It is much easier to do it now on your own than when you have additional responsibilities and dependents. If you are in the relationship, still make your priority your healing and emotional freedom.
4. Financial security – an easy life, someone to take care of you
Perhaps you don’t want to work or have a career and are simply looking for someone to take care of you financially or, you want someone who will give you financial security by paying for everything or at least for enough so you don’t have to worry about being autonomous and independent. Olga married a man for financial security only. She got a mansion and luxurious cars and things. Four years later they live on opposite sides of the mansion arguing, and truly miserable as they try to raise two children.
Antidote: Focus on creating financial security or at least ensure that the financial security is another reason that you choose to be together (along with love, passion, emotional intimacy, shared values and objectives, mutual admiration and care, etc.)
5. Lack of fulfillment/Image
You feel that you and your life will be incomplete without a partner, and without a partner right now! Worse, you believe that you have to prove something and therefore your partner needs to fit criteria that will enhance your image such as social status, looks, age, power, influence or the list of the ‘perfect match.’ Perhaps you feel that you are a failure without a partner or you need someone to fulfill your needs to have a family and so you chose your partner based on one criteria alone – the wrong one.
Antidote: Love and compatibility do not relate nor are the direct result of ‘image’ or social status. Choose someone whom you truly want to be with; someone who shares your values and dreams, engages in emotional intimacy, is mutually supportive and will commit to building a life together and maintaining and growing the love for each other.
6. Infatuation/Youthful love
Infatuation is the chemical attraction with a twist – you think about the passion and excitement and how you feel around him/her but you don’t actually care about the person; you care more about owning, controlling or possessing them because you feel good and turned on with them. Perhaps you are ‘hopelessly in love’ and you think love is all you need. You have fooled yourself into thinking, ‘We love each other, so when we get married that will solve and end all of our current arguments; let’s just get married and everything will be alright.’
Antidote: Love isn’t enough for a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Again, you need more than the passion, you need compatibility, shared values, shared goals and dreams, emotional intimacy, mutual admiration and care. Do you truly want your partner to become the best version of him or herself?
As you review once more the list of the wrong reasons to marry or have a relationship, you will notice that the first key is healing your unresolved issues and the second key is knowledge about what is needed for a healthy, fulfilling relationship. If you would like help to heal the past, book a one-on-one session with me.
You can add to the conversation below.
I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.