Closure – Closing The Door On Your Ex

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal,

One thing that will help you to find closure following a relationship breakup or divorce.

First a quick update:  

The Breakup Test

Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? How would you like to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.

Are You Feeling Guilty Or Ashamed?

Do you feel guilty or ashamed for something you have done or for your past relationship or Ex? Do you know the difference between guilt and shame? Watch the video and learn how to overcome guilt and shame.

Now, let’s talk about one thing that will help you to find closure following a relationship breakup or divorce.

More than 4,000 people have taken my free online Breakup Test (it is still running if you haven’t yet taken it – free breakup test)

The second question in my Breakup Test explores the way that people breakup; did you break up in-person, via text, email, social media or ghosting, and, what was the emotional impact (amicable, highly emotional or argumentative.) More than 45% or men and 50% of women stated that regardless of the way they broke up, there was still no closure.

In this article, I am going to reveal to you one thing that I have noticed that holds people back from getting closure – and it is not the answer to “Why?”

First, what is closure?

Finding closure in a relationship simply means bringing the relationship to an end – and on all levels – mental, physical and emotional. It is about closing the door and feeling at ease; not turning back each time to try to reopen the door and looking or hoping either to find something that is not there or for something that no longer exists or perhaps never existed.

This leads to the one thing that I believe aids you in achieving closure: neutralizing expectations.

Perhaps you have already gotten the answer to your plaguing question, “Why?”

Why did he cheat?

Why did she not love me?

Why was I not good enough?

Why was I not the priority?

Why did we argue so much?

Why did I choose this person?

Why did I stay in the relationship for so long?

Why do I keep making the same mistakes?

The answer to “why?” is powerful and beneficial if you can get it, and of course, if it is accurate, insightful, and if you choose to learn from it. Remember, too though, that it is not always possible to receive the answer to that question because your ex might not even know ‘why.’

Demanding to know ‘why’, is also an expectation.

What truly paralyzes you following a breakup is any continuing expectation that you have of your ex and perhaps of yourself.

The relationship or marriage is over, and yet still here you are expecting that person to change, expecting that person to apologize or to accept responsibility for their actions and for the outcome of the relationship.

Pause now and ask yourself, “What do I expect of him? What do I want from him?” (Wanting something is also a form of expectation – you expect him/her to fulfill something for you.)

Again, what are you expecting?

Are you expecting him to change?

Are you expecting an apology?

Are you expecting an explanation?

Are you expecting compensation?

Are you expecting forgiveness?

Are you expecting him to still love you?

Are you expecting things to go back to normal?

Are you expecting her to come running back to you?

Are you expecting that he/she will suddenly change their mind and get back together?

Are you expecting that he will suffer without you so that you will feel better about yourself?

Now consider, what impact and effect do any of your expectations have on you?

In what way are they helping you or are they just creating pain, anguish, rumination, depression, isolation, sadness, obsession, rumination and so forth?

Are these expectations helping you to move forward and grow and find love again or are they paralyzing or strangling you?

Most of the expectations we have of other people are driven by perfectionism (the need or belief that people must be perfect) or by the desire to change/control other people.

Sometimes when we cannot control our own emotions, we seek to control other people’s behaviors. Other times, we try to control other people hoping that it will fill the inner emptiness or convince us that we are good enough and lovable.

Also, women are often driven by a desire to nurture, and therefore they fall in love with the potential of a man, foolishly thinking they can change him. You cannot!

Achieving closure requires that you become aware of your expectations, determine whether or not they are helping or hindering you, and then choose to neutralize or release those expectations.

If your expectation is of yourself and it involves learning and growing such as “Why did I choose this person…why did I lack self-care and self-respect…why did I stay  so long in an unhappy/abusive relationship?” then seek help to find those answers, to uncover their subconscious motivations & origins, and to release the painful experiences and to create new beliefs that support you not sabotage you!  You can get that help by booking a one-on-one session with me.

If you still want to read more about closure:
https://www.patrickwanis.com/6-steps-finding-closure/ (2012) and https://www.patrickwanis.com/find-closure-breakup-6-steps/ (2017)

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D. Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist