Divorce, Money, Work – Women Still Want Men To Provide

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the shocking findings of a new study about divorce and that while women’s roles have changed – women still expect the man to provide, and if he loses his job, his chances of being divorced increase!

First a quick update:

“Trump Attacked Bush But They Both Sold Fear”
Republican Presidential Nominee, Donald Trump has attacked George W. Bush over the decision to invade Iraq. However, Trump and Bush have one very key strategy in common – appealing to and reinforcing the most primitive emotion of fear to help them rise to power. 

“Are You A Victim, Rescuer or Persecutor”
What roles do you play in your relationships – at work, home and in romantic relationships? The drama triangle in relationships consists of playing roles – the Victim needs saving by the Rescuer who also is criticized by the Persecutor. We play and repeat these dysfunctional roles to get love. Watch the video! 

Now, let’s talk about the shocking findings of a new study about divorce and that while women’s roles have changed – women still expect the man to provide, and if he loses his job, his chances of being divorced increase!

Fifty percent of marriages in the US will end in divorce and sixty percent of second marriages will also end in divorce. The second statistic reveals that people don’t learn much from their first mistake and obviously refuse to look at the primary causes of the breakdown/divorce of the first marriage. Also, women initiate divorce more than men do, even in same sex marriages which, implies that women are less satisfied in marriage – regardless of whether they are married to men or to women.

The most shocking revelation, though, comes from a new study that reveals that men who aren’t employed full time are one-third more likely to end in divorce than men who are employed full time. In other words, women still expect the man to be the breadwinner. More on that study in a moment; first, though, let’s look at the reasons for divorce.
Recently, I gave an interview to a TV Network in Australia responding to a question about what is required for a successful relationship.

My response was that there are 2 triangles of love.

The 2 Triangles of Love 

The first triangle contains the apexes of Passion, Intimacy and Commitment.

• Passion is the physical chemistry – the attraction, desire and lust
• Intimacy is the emotional nakedness, the vulnerability and trust
• Commitment is the conscious choice to build a life together.

The second triangle of love contains the apexes of Values, Love Language and Unified Vision.

• Values are the things, principles & standards that you treasure in life
• Love Language is the expression of the way you feel loved – verbal affirmation, quality time, physical touch, gifts, and acts of service
• Unified Vision is the life plan – the conscious choice of the life you want to create.

Reasons Cited for Divorce
In 2003, a study by Amato, P. R., & Previti, D. “People’s reasons for divorcing: Gender, social class, the life course and adjustment” revealed that infidelity was the most commonly reported cause, followed by incompatibility, drinking or drug use and growing apart. https://familycounsellingcourse.blogspot.com/2015/05/divorce-effects-of-divorce-on-children.html

A 2013 survey of survey of 191 CDFA professionals (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) revealed that their clients listed basic incompatibility, infidelity and money issues as the primary reasons for divorce.

A national survey in 2011 found that the most common reason given for divorce was “lack of commitment” (73% said this was a major reason).

Other significant reasons (more than one reason was cited for divorce) included:

• Too much arguing (56%)
• Infidelity (55%)
• Marrying too young (46%)
• Unrealistic expectations (45%)
• Lack of equality in the relationship (44%)
• Lack of preparation for marriage (41%)
• Abuse (29%) https://www.divorce.usu.edu/files/uploads/lesson3.pdf

The concept of growing apart can be explained many ways and here I will share one that is common in my work with couples: “she’s only interested in the children”; “He’s only interested in his job/career.” Thus, the intimacy is lost and the bonds are weakened.

As one reader commented:

“Many of the bonds forged between mothers and their children are the result of all the time and effort poured into raising those children. Mom puts in all the work and reaps the benefits. Dad, who was happy to let mom take on that responsibility, then feels left out and fails to acknowledge his own role in the results.”

We also live in a throw-away & constant-upgrade society where we are accustomed to tossing away something because we think it lacks its original shine or it isn’t functioning the way we expected and we constantly are upgrading everything we have for the perceived or superior product. Simply put, we are never satisfied with what we have and are constantly expecting and looking for something better. How then can a marriage work, when it goes against this trend and cultural mindset?

Following the throw-away or the intended upgrade, most divorcees express regret, saying that they wished they or their ex-spouse had tried harder to work through their differences: “31% of men who had divorced said they wished that they had worked harder to save their marriage (and 74% said they wished their ex-wife had worked harder to save the marriage); 13% of women who had divorced said they wished that they had worked harder to save their marriage (and 65% said they wished their ex-husband had worked harder to save the marriage.)” https://www.divorce.usu.edu/files/uploads/lesson3.pdf

Now back to the study mentioned in the beginning of this article:
“Money, Work, and Marital Stability – Assessing Change in the Gendered Determinants of Divorce” by Alexandra Killewald, a professor of sociology at Harvard University.

Killewald says, “Wives have more freedom in how they ‘do’ marriage” but husbands are still expected to be the breadwinner.

“While contemporary wives need not embrace the traditional female homemaker role to stay married, contemporary husbands face higher risk of divorce when they do not fulfill the stereotypical breadwinner role.”

It must also be noted that one reason a man’s unemployment might inflict more strain on a marriage is that being jobless in the man’s case is more likely to be involuntary which affects his self-esteem and causes more arguments.

Contrary to what most of us believe (experts included) the study looked at more than 6,300 different-sex couples (in 2 major groups – pre 1975 and post 1975 marriage) and concluded that “Financial factors do not determine whether couples stay together or separate. Instead, couples’ paid and unpaid work matters for the risk of divorce, even after adjusting for how work is related to financial resources.”

“Men [today] are expected to contribute at least somewhat to household labor [women still do about 70% of the total housework.]”

Conclusion and suggested strategy:

If you are already married, reread this article and suggest it to your partner as a way of identifying the causes of a breakdown in a marriage (after divorce, women’s standard of living drops by an average of 27 percent while men’s grows an average of 10 percent); if you are not yet married, ensure before you get married that you and your partner are very clear about what you want (reread the section on the 2 triangles of love.)

If you need assistance to heal your relationship or get over a relationship or breakup, book a one-on-one session with me. 

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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com