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Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss emotional intelligence, its application and its significance to success and enjoyment of life.

First a quick update:

“Tean beating – insanity or revenge?”
Read the transcript of the interview I gave to Russ Morley, host of 850 WFTL radio about Wayne Treacy, a 15-year-old Deerfield Beach High School student, who has pleaded not guilty to a charge of attempted first-degree murder and is being tried as an adult. Wayne Treacy allegedly beat 15-year old Josie Lou Ratley and broke every bone in her body. 

“The three most dangerous and harmful mistakes coaches and therapists make”
Listen to the interview I give to hosts of The Coaching Show on, Christopher McAuliffe, MCC and Tara Padua Wise CPC about my list of the three biggest and most dangerous mistakes that coaches make. I reveal that these 3 mistakes are made not only by coaches but also by therapists, counselors, psychologists and psychiatrists, and; I reveal and explain how these mistakes can seriously harm and damage clients as well as the coach’s business.  Click here to listen to the interview.

“The Law of Deservedness”
Many people have written to me frustrated by their present situation and poor results. So, I have created a brand new six-module audio program to transform and renew your subconscious beliefs about your value and self-worth; to end the self-sabotage and engage your subconscious mind to work for you rather than against you. I haven’t yet released it to the public but you can have first access to it, click here.

Now, let’s talk about emotional intelligence, what it is and why it is critical to your success and enjoyment of life.

In 1990, the phrase “emotional intelligence” was coined by Yale psychologist Peter Salovey and the University of New Hampshire’s John Mayer as a means of describing the ability to understand one’s own feelings, express empathy for the feelings of others and “the regulation of emotion in a way that enhances living.” The ability to assess, manage and control the emotions of one’s self and of others is the key platform of emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is best summed up as our ability to be aware of what we feel and to master our ability to control what we feel so what we can get along with other people. This week, I gave an interview to Russ Morley of 850 WFTL radio about a 15 year old boy in Florida, Wayne Treacy who is being tried for attempted murder after allegedly beating a girl so badly that every bone in her face was broken. Why did he do this? His defense will argue insanity but quite simply, it appears that the girl, Josie Lou Ratley had made bad remarks about his brother who had committed suicide six months prior, and, in turn, this boy, spent hours texting friends about how he was going to wreak revenge upon her. Although this boy’s case will prove to have other elements to it, we daily witness examples of people who lack the ability to identify, manage and control their emotions i.e. road rage or parents who verbally and sometimes physically attack referees at their children’s soccer games.

In 1995, Time Magazine reported that researchers had found that four-year-olds who could control their desire for a marshmallow would later succeed in life over those who could not control those initial impulses. The researchers simply tempted the four-year-olds by saying ‘you can have this marshmallow now or wait till I come back and I will give you two marshmallows.’

After following these participants for years, it was found that those four-year-olds who could control their emotions generally grew up to be better adjusted, more popular, adventurous, confident and dependable teenagers. Time Magazine reported: “The children who gave in to temptation early on were more likely to be lonely, easily frustrated and stubborn. They buckled under stress and shied away from challenges. And when some of the students in the two groups took the Scholastic Aptitude Test, the kids who had held out longer scored an average of 210 points higher.”

Earlier, I mentioned extreme examples of low emotional intelligence – ‘road rage’, abusive parents and violent children. There are also the examples of the parent or step parent who beats a child because he or she was crying too much. But an inability to understand and control one’s emotions affects us all, every day, in every way, because we are always interacting with other people and even if we choose to live alone, we cannot avoid or escape ourselves. I have worked with various clients who have suffered from explosive anger – some of whom have destroyed their marriages and lives because they couldn’t control their anger, were controlled by fear or had no skills set when dealing with grievances or conflict.

In a work situation it can be argued that there are 3 key elements to a successful and productive team member or leader:

1. Intelligence (IQ)

2. Technical skills

3. Emotional intelligence

David Campbell and other researchers from the Center for Creative Leadership studied “derailed executives,” and found that these executives failed because of their inability to get along with other people – “an interpersonal flaw” rather than a lack of technical skills or abilities. What are some of these “interpersonal flaws”? Lack of people skills (i.e. poor emotional intelligence) such as “poor working relations,” being “authoritarian”, “overly ambitious”, and “conflict with upper management.”

Most people who quit their job usually do so because they either cannot get along with their boss or someone else in the workplace. Thus we perceive and experience “the organization” or company as the people we directly deal with on a daily basis. Have you ever stopped shopping or frequenting a store simply because you were treated poorly? The same applies to our personal and romantic relationships. If you and your partner cannot suitably handle grievances, they will turn into conflicts and resentment which will then become the wedge that will destroy the love and break apart the relationship.

We can learn emotional intelligence.

Note that I said, “learn emotional intelligence.”

Although, it has been described as “intelligence” many critics and academics rightly correct that term by referring to it as “emotional skills” or “social skills.” None of us is born with a mastery of our emotions. We freely are able to express our emotions as babies but then our parents and other teachers often incorrectly teach and program us with the wrong ways to express those emotions, or to suppress them, repress them or deny them. For example, if we saw or heard our parents express anger in a certain way, then we will most likely grow up copying our parents.

It is also critical to understand that the way our brain is wired, emotion almost always overrides intelligence or logic. However, with conscious effort, we can learn to manage and control our emotions in an appropriate manner and without suppressing or denying those emotions the appropriate outlet and expression. We can learn to become aware of our emotions and we can learn to read emotions in other people, and yes, we can also learn to be empathetic and compassionate to ourselves and others.

There are some core emotions that are deemed to be universally recognizable: Grief, Surprise, Disgust, Anger, Fear, Curiosity, and Joy. But we can also add to those hate, pleasure, shame, guilt, humiliation, revenge, empathy, compassion, sadness, vanity, greed, etc.

Anger is one of the most powerful and destructive emotions along with revenge. You can also watch my appearance on the Montel Williams show giving expert opinion and analysis on “Explosive Anger” and watch me hypnotize a woman to help her clear out her old response of explosive anger.

Daniel Goleman, a Harvard psychology Ph.D. and a New York Times science writer, authored the book in 1995, “Emotional Intelligence.” In it, he created four models of emotional intelligence that he believes drives leadership performance:

  1. Self-awareness – the ability to read one’s emotions and recognize their impact while using gut feelings to guide decisions
  2. Self-management – controlling one’s emotions and impulses and adapting to changing circumstances
  3. Social awareness – the ability to sense, understand, and react to others’ emotions while comprehending social networks
  4. Relationship management – the ability to inspire, influence, and develop others while managing conflict

In next week’s Success Newsletter, I will outline and reveal the ways to determine your level of emotional intelligence and how to master emotional intelligence so you can get along with people, dramatically improve your life & relationships, and have greater success and enjoyment in life.

Also find out just how emotionally smart you are – take the Emotional Intelligence test.

If you would like personal help to change subconscious beliefs and release yourself from the past, or to develop emotional intelligence, consider a one-on-one session with me.

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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist

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