Take My Breakup Quiz
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How To Adapt To Tumultuous Change & Uncertainty Now
The entire world is experiencing dramatic and tumultuous change even post Covid-19. There is very little certainty. How can you successfully adapt to the change? Watch my video

Henry Cavill’s 50 Points Of Advice From An 80-Year-Old Man

British actor, Henry Cavill gave an interview revealing how he stays positive, explaining he keeps this list of 50 life lessons from an 80-year-old man.

“A friend of mine sent me this text a long time ago, and it’s stuck with me ever since. It’s 50 points, and it’s advice from an 80-year-old. And I try to read through these points every day, good day or a bad day, especially on bad days, it really, really helps, because it does bring things into perspective a lot.”

Here are the 50 points of advice; which ones stand out and have the most meaning for you? Incidentally, Cavill says he doesn’t know who actually wrote this list.

1. Have a firm handshake

2. Look people in the eye

3. Sing in the shower

4. Own a great stereo system

5. If in a fight, hit first and hit hard

6. Keep secrets

7. Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen every day. (See no.17)

8. Always accept an outstretched hand

9. Be brave. Even if you’re not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.

10. Whistle

11. Avoid sarcastic remarks

12. Choose your life’s mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 per cent of all your happiness or misery.

13. Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out

14. Lend only those books you never care to see again

15. Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have

16. When playing games with children, let them win

17. Give people a second chance, but not a third

18. Be romantic

19. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know

20. Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems.

21. Don’t allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It’s there for our convenience, not the caller’s.

22. Be a good loser

23. Be a good winner

24. Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret

25. When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go

50 Points Of Advice From An 80-Year-Old Man – Numbers 26-50

26. Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.

27. Keep it simple

28. Beware of the person who has nothing to lose

29. Don’t burn bridges. You’ll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.

30. Live your life so that your epitaph could read, “No Regrets”

31. Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you’ll regret the things you didn’t do more than the ones you did.

32. Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them

33. Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who helped you.

34. Take charge of your attitude. Don’t let someone else choose it for you.

35. Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only stay a few minutes

36. Begin each day with some of your favorite music

37. Once in a while, take the scenic route

38. Send a lot of Valentine cards. Sign them, ‘Someone who thinks you’re terrific.’

39. Answer the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your voice.

40. Keep a note pad and pencil on your bed-side table. Million-dollar ideas sometimes strike at 3 a.m.

41. Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial their job

42. Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.

43. Make someone’s day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind you

44. Become someone’s hero

45. Marry only for love.

46. Count your blessings.

47. Compliment the meal when you’re a guest in someone’s home.

48. Wave at the children on a school bus.

49. Remember that 80 percent of the success in any job is based on your ability to deal with people.

50. Don’t expect life to be fair.

For me, the last point of advice from an 80-year-old man is the most meaningful. I often help clients to let go of self-blame for things that were done to them as children by reminding them that at times life is not fair, and therefore, stop attacking yourself or thinking it was your fault for the neglect or abuse you experienced as a child.

If you need help to break free from the past, to overcome abuse or to rebuild your self-worth and confidence, do it now gently, easily, and quickly with my SRTT process. I am also available for executive coaching. Book an SRTT session and be set free from the past.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

The post <strong>50 Points Of Advice From An 80-Year-Old Man</strong> appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

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Do You Play The Victim In Relationships?
Are you the Victim? Are you often feeling helpless? Do things often go wrong for you? Do you constantly find yourself dating people who are trying to help or save you? Watch my video

Exceptionalism and The Grandiose Narcissist Or Victim Narcissist

We have all become so exceptional today, haven’t we?

We love to believe that we can do anything, be anything and have anything, anything at all. And it is our right! And we must have it now!

Social media and advertising constantly remind us of that.

In fact, we believe we must be so extremely different and unique, that we even want to have our own unique pronouns. And we expect the world to change and cater to us. After all, the world owes us something, doesn’t it? We are entitled!

‘And should something bad happen, and I feel any pain at all, then I should also be treated exceptionally. I am, after all, a grandiose narcissist and at other times, I am a victim narcissist!’

Yes, the narcissist believes that the world revolves around him or her! He struggles to understand how good things can happen to bad people or how bad things can happen to good people.

Of course, good and bad things happen to good and bad people. There are so many things beyond our control in life.

And yet, most of us, keep asking the question, “Why me?”

Why was I attacked? Why was I abused? Why did my parents not love me? Why did my father walk out?  Why didn’t my husband/wife do…? Why did this bad thing happen to me? Why didn’t this good thing happen to me?

The question “Why me?” originates from one of two beliefs:

1. ‘I have complete control over my life and I therefore, create everything in my life’
2. ‘I am special/exceptional – therefore only good things should happen to me’

Egocentricity: I Control My World

Children believe that they create everything in their life; this is known as ‘egocentricity.’ Therefore, they also blame themselves when bad things happen or are done to them, even though, those things are blatantly out of their control i.e., mom/dad were abusive, neglectful, alcoholic, violent or drug addicts before the child came along; the child didn’t make them the way they are.

While it might be a subconscious belief that you cause and create everything, the result is that you take credit and blame for things that aren’t about you. The pain of self-blame (guilt and shame) leads to self-loathing and self-destructive behavior.

The Grandiose Narcissist or Victim Narcissist both are obsessed with self-importance and self-absorption!

I Am Special/Exceptional – The Grandiose Narcissist

The belief of “I am special/exceptional” relates to the Grandiose Narcissist or Victim Narcissist (also known as Vulnerable or Covert Narcissism.)

Both forms of narcissism relate to entitlement:

“Grandiose narcissism is defined by self-entitlement, a sense of superiority, and a need for admiration.” Source: https://www.psypost.org/2022/04/narcissism-study-sheds-new-light-on-the-relationship-between-grandiose-and-vulnerable-subtypes-62892

I Am Special/Exceptional – The Victim Narcissist

Vulnerable or Victim narcissism is characterized by a sense of entitlement but also an anxious and avoidant nature, stemming from playing the role of the victim: ‘I am so helpless and such a victim while you are all so lucky and blessed. Therefore, give me attention and make me special; I am entitled.” Both forms of narcissism – Grandiose and Covert/Victim/Vulnerable Narcissism reveal an extreme form of self-absorption and exceptionalism: ‘The world revolves around me!’ And they stem from subconscious, deep deficits in self-worth.

Entitlement is the belief, ‘I deserve great things and I don’t have to do anything to have them, least of all, to suffer or to experience any hardship.’

The more grandiose the narcissist is, the more he will also play the victim narcissist. Covert or victim narcissism is another form of manipulation via victimhood.

The Hard Truth For A Grandiose Narcissist Or Victim Narcissist

The world doesn’t owe you anything; the world does not revolve around you. You will suffer, you will experience disappointments and pain. Things will happen outside of your control. You cannot escape pain or loss, no matter which pronouns you use, how loudly you scream for attention or to what extent you try to cover yourself in cotton wool.

And if you want to feel special or exceptional, make a positive contribution and difference in someone else’s life.

I firmly believe that bad things can and will happen to me the same as any simple human. Though it makes me a bit anxious, it also propels me forward. I had a personal tragedy recently where my baby daughter passed away. For a parent, it doesn’t get much more traumatic than having to survive a child’s death. People were wondering why I didn’t seek out support groups, and after thinking about it, my answer just came to me. A lot of people who’ve suffered like this often dwell on the question “Why?” They ask why it happened to them and what they did to deserve this – or some variation of that. My thought was more along the lines of “Why NOT me?” There is nothing special about me that would make me or my children immune to sudden death. It was a lot of pain, but I needed to unpack it my way, and I did. I didn’t sugarcoat, I didn’t try to justify it, I didn’t ask “Why me?”; I didn’t blame anyone. This happens to thousands of parents a day, and I am just one of those unfortunate ones. I figured out a way to move forward with the pain. Now I hug my remaining children tight each day knowing that tomorrow is not promised to any of us no matter how awesome we may be.

If you need help to break free from an abusive or narcissistic relationship or to rebuild your self-worth and confidence, do it now gently, easily, and quickly with my SRTT process. I am also available for executive coaching. Book an SRTT session and be set free from the past.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

The post <strong>Are You Exceptional; Are You A Grandiose Narcissist Or Victim Narcissist?</strong> appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

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Do You Play The Victim In Relationships?
Are you the Victim? Are you often feeling helpless? Do things often go wrong for you? Do you constantly find yourself dating people who are trying to help or save you? Watch my video

8 Indicators Of A Healthy Relationship – Equality Wheel

What do abusive people really want?

In my article “Power & Control – 8 Tactics Abusive Men Use To Control And Dominate”, I reveal that abusers seek to establish and maintain power and control over their partner. They want their partner to be extremely or totally dependent on them.

What, though, is the opposite of an abusive relationship?

Is it simply the absence of abuse?

Domestic violence and abusive behavior are more than just about violence and controlling behavior; they are also about the power imbalance – whereby the abuser has all the power. Therefore, a heathy relationship is about equality. It is about being equal but not being the same or a 50/50 split; it is about equal power and balance without one person being totally dependent on or controlled by the other and without intense fear for survival of self and loved ones.

Non-Violence & The Equality Wheel

The Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, Minnesota, created an “Equality Wheel.” There are 8 spokes to the wheel that lead to non-violence and a healthy relationship.

Here are the 8 characteristics of equality in a relationship as identified in the Equality Wheel.

1. Non-Threatening Behavior

Talking and acting so that you feel safe and comfortable expressing yourself and doing things

The opposite to non-threatening behavior is Coercion and Threats: The abuser engages power & control over you by creating intense fear for your safety & survival.

2. Respect
Listening to you non-judgmentally
Being emotionally affirming and understanding
Valuing your opinions

The opposite to respect is Emotional Abuse – acts that degrade and humiliate you.

3. Trust And Support
Supporting your goals in life
Respecting your right to your own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions.

The opposite to trust and support is Isolation: By isolating you, the abuser establishes physical & psychological control over you.

4. Honesty And Accountability
Accepting responsibility for oneself
Acknowledging past use of violence
Admitting being wrong
Communicating openly and truthfully

The opposite to honesty and accountability is Minimizing, Denying, And Blaming: This involves actions that fall under the umbrella of Gaslighting.

5. Responsible Parenting
Sharing parental responsibilities
Being a positive, nonviolent role model for the children

The opposite to responsible parenting is Using Children – establishing power & control by making you afraid for your children – for their safety or having them taken away from you.

6. Shared Responsibility
Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work
Making family decisions together

The opposite to shared responsibility is Male Privilege: Treating you like a servant, degrading and devaluing you

7. Economic Partnership
Making financial decisions together
Making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements

The opposite to economic partnership is economic abuse: The denial of financial resources.

8. Negotiation And Fairness
Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict
Accepting changes
Being willing to compromise

The opposite to negotiation and fairness is Intimidation: Instilling fear in you and engaging in various actions to reinforce control over you.

If you need help to break free from an abusive relationship or to rebuild your self-worth and confidence, do it now gently, easily, and quickly with my SRTT process. I am also available for executive coaching. Book an SRTT session and be set free from the past.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Tyourapist

The post The Equality Wheel – What Is The Opposite Of Abusive Power & Control? appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

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20 Signs You Are Being Gaslighted!
Is someone trying to manipulate you to doubt your own memory, perception, and sanity? Gaslighting is psychological abuse by Narcissists & Sociopaths Watch my video

Are you the victim of Covert Manipulation?

Are you in a relationship where you think you are mad or going crazy?

What about if you are not crazy, and your intuition is right?

Could it be your partner?

Read on.

What Is The Intention of Covert Manipulation?

Covert Manipulation is a form of emotional abuse designed to control someone to take advantage of them.

The emotional abuser deceptively breaks you down, destroys your sense of self-worth, controlling the way you think, feel and behave, making you dependent on them and unable to escape their toxic power over you.

Here are 14 deceptive tactics of covert manipulation. They apply to all types of relationships – romantic, professional, or familial. I use the masculine gender in this article, because men engage in more covert manipulation than women do. However, the tactics can be used by men or women.

1. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is psychological abuse aimed at convincing you that you are insane or mentally unstable. It is closely linked to covert manipulation. There are 20 signs that you are being gaslighted, and one key sign is when he denies that something ever happened and tries to brainwash you into thinking ‘It’s all in your head.’ He also invalidates your feelings, experiences, perceptions, and opinions.

2. Lying

In a court of law, you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Leaving out key information (“I am married…”) and being vague are also forms of lying. Lies include telling you the words he believes you want to hear: “I love you. You are my best friend. I can’t live without you…you are my soul mate…”

3. Denial And Avoidance

He denies making that promise or agreement. He minimizes your feelings or the abuse. He makes excuses for his bad behavior. He avoids accepting responsibility for his actions or even talking about them; “You are so negative and critical…you are too sensitive.” He might also avoid and deflect the abusive behavior by reinforcing verbally how much he loves and cares about you.

4. Playing Victim

Sometimes, he plays the helpless and dependent victim, “Poor, poor pitiful me.” He threatens to commit suicide if you leave; he cries out, “Why do you treat me so badly?” Playing the victim gives him power because he uses it to guilt you into doing things, he wants you to do.

5. Laying Blame – The Persecutor

He refuses to accept responsibility for any of his actions, and instead, he blames you for things that go wrong in his life: “It’s all your fault.” He lacks empathy and blames you for his outbursts, anger, aggression, or temper tantrums. And if he becomes violent or aggressive, he will say, “You made me do it. I have never done that with any other girlfriend.”

6. Guilt

The manipulator reminds you of all the things you are doing wrong and looks for ways to guilt you into feeling bad about yourself and reminding you are not good enough. He might also try to make you feel guilty because you are not doing the things that he wants you to do: “If you really loved me, you would…” You will particularly fall prey to this tactic if you are a people-pleaser.

7. Shame

The manipulator wants you to believe that you are innately bad and flawed, i.e., you were born this way as a bad, inferior person. Additionally, he might try to shame you by comparing you with others, including his ex or other friends.

8. Projection
When you project a movie onto a screen, you are seeing on the wall what exists inside the movie. The same principle applies to covert manipulation: the manipulator projects his own self onto you. The very things he dislikes about himself are the things he accuses you of being or doing. For example, he accuses you of being unfaithful when in fact, he is cheating on you. He accuses you of being unable to control certain behaviors when he is doing the same but he is in complete denial. Therefore, take notice of the words and criticisms he launches at you; they apply to him; he simply cannot accept those things about himself and so, he projects them onto you. Read about Josh Duggar, Pedophilia and Projection.

9. The Rescuer
The manipulator wants you to feel helpless and powerless without him. He will remind you of his superiority, intelligence and how he knows what is best for you; he will be telling you the way you should be living and doing things. He might act as if he is your savior, teacher, or guru.

10. Punishment – Silent Treatment, Stonewalling
He scolds you for doing wrong or hurting him. Next, he shuts down emotionally and verbally. He ignores you and goes silent even as you stand in front of him. He does not respond to your messages; he might even block you on his phone or social media accounts. He might turn cold and withhold affection and physical intimacy. You feel ignored, invisible, worthless, and powerless.

11. Fear and Intimidation

The fear of loss is a powerful motivator -and manipulator. In this case, he will control you by threatening to end the relationship and abandon you. He might also threaten to cut off your financial resources or inform your friends and family of your bad behavior. Further, he might make physical threats, verbally abuse you, deliberately embarrass or humiliate you in front of others or assault you. Intimidation is designed to make you physically afraid of him.

12. Triangulation

Closely connected to fear, the manipulator wants you to feel insecure, jealous, and not good enough: He refers to a third person (real person or a deliberate lie) who is interested in or involved with him. He wants to control you be making you afraid you are going to lose his love and attention. He might use it to get you to do the things he wants or to isolate you so that you become more dependent on him. Another form of triangulation is using a third person to side with him against you and thus further reinforcing your insecurities and lack of self-worth.

13. Love Bombing & Intermittent Reinforcement

Intense attention might be the way he won you over in the beginning. Then, in between the abusive treatment, he intermittently and sporadically engages in endless attention, gifts, rapid escalation of intimacy, bursts of affection, a bombardment of text messages and calls, all designed into fooling you into thinking he loves and cares for you.  In turn, you become attached and consumed, almost addicted to trying to get his approval and those rewards from him, hoping it might be the relationship might be the way it was in the beginning. Of course, he makes no changes to his behavior, and so the rewards are completely inconsistent and unpredictable.

14. Needling Your Insecurities

The skilled covert manipulator (Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, sociopath et al) knows you well. He understands what motivates you, and above all, intimately knows your insecurities; he may have opened-up to you just enough for you to reveal all of your pain, traumas and insecurities. Now, he knows how to push your buttons and make you feel worse about yourself. He might use your past against you (the very things you told him) or crush you by accusing you of being or possessing the qualities of the people that hurt you.

Covert Manipulation – You Cannot Change Them!

Covert manipulators lack self-awareness. Some manipulate you unconsciously, having become highly skilled at covert manipulation, while others consciously manipulate you. Either way, you are not going to change them. You are going to fail at helping them to change. You will destroy yourself while trying to save, help, change, redeem or simply love them. They were this way before you came along, and they will be this way long after you have gone. They don’t want to change even if they say they want to or are going to change.

If you need help to break free from a relationship of covert manipulation – particularly if your self-worth and confidence have been deeply  damaged, do it now gently, easily, and quickly with my SRTT process. I am also available for executive coaching. Book an SRTT session and be set free from the past.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

The post 14 Tactics of Covert Manipulation appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

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Do You Play The Persecutor In Relationships?
Do you often feel angry, critical and wronged by others? Do you often blame others, saying, “It is all your fault?” Do you constantly find yourself dating people who are messing up your life? Watch my video

What Is A Leader And Why Compare Parenting With Leadership?

Most people think of a leader as an executive in a company or someone in a position of authority over a team or department. However, a parent is also a leader. For a leader is simply someone whose direction you would willingly follow.

But can you truly compare a work leader with a parent or family leader?

Yes, both an effective and exemplary leader and an effective and exemplary parent demonstrate the same set of skills!

How so? Read on.

Let’s start with the 5 traits to beware of: The 5 traits of a poor leader and parent.

1. A Poor Leader And Parent Models The Wrong Way

If you are a bad role model as a parent, your children will copy your bad example. Then, as they get older, they will resent you and swear to themselves to never be like you. If you are a company leader and you show an unhealthy example, then your team will not respect, trust or believe in you or your message. “Do as I say, not as I do” does not work at home with children, nor in the office. For people to follow you, they must believe in you as much as your message and claimed values. For children to learn and grow, and to realize their potential, they must believe in you. That belief begins with you and your behavior – your values and example. Are you honest, competent, inspiring and forward-looking? Have you set goals, expectations, and principles? Do you live by them yourself?

2. A Poor Leader And Parent Lacks A Vision

It is critical for people in a company to know where they are going: What is the vision for the future? What are the goals and why? Without a vision, there is no meaning and purpose. Without a vision, people lose inspiration and dedication. We all need goals! The same leadership principle applies to a family. A poor leader and parent fails to help each family member to create their own vision for their future as well as goals and a vision for the family overall.

At home and at work, every individual wants to know that their leader/parent actually cares about them as individuals, about their values, interests, hopes, and dreams.

3. A Poor Leader and Parent Keeps People Down & Stuck

A poor leader and parent discourages risk-taking and punishes mistakes. An effective and exemplary leader encourages others to try new things, to challenge the status quo and thus, to explore and grow. A strong leader implements and models the growth mindset. Accordingly, the parent and leader is open to learning and growing, freely admitting mistakes and remaining humble.

Everyone can become a powerful leader and parent; the key is not personality; it is a set of skills as described here in this article.

4. A Poor Leader and Parent Disables and Disempowers

An effective leader and parent instills confidence in his team and communicates that he believes in their individual and collective capabilities. A poor leader fails to involve everyone perhaps showing favoritism to some while excluding others. He might take charge of everything, rarely empowering others to act and make decisions. An exemplary leader is vulnerable and thus builds trust and respect. He also delegates, shares responsibility and therefore collaborates with others. Again, these principles apply at home as well. Do you empower and enable others to take action and to seek independence appropriately? You have the ability to build resilience in your team and family!

5. A Poor Leader and Parent Discourages, Criticizes Or Simply Ignores Others

One of the most common issues I see with clients is that they rarely received praise, encouragement and celebration of their existence or contribution to the family when they were children.

Why do we wait till someone is gone to celebrate their existence ?

The same principle applies in the workplace.

Team members lose motivation, passion and engagement, and they become resentful when their work, involvement and contribution go unnoticed.

Each and every one of us wants to be seen, heard, understood and validated!

Remember, your team at work is your family, and your family at home is also a team. When you truly demonstrate that you care about each individual and when let them know that you have a unified vision, then they will follow you to help them to realize their full potential.

If you need help as a work leader or parent, or if you need to release a painful emotion or experience – get the help you want, need and deserve. Do it now gently, easily, and quickly with my SRTT process. I am also available for executive coaching. Book an SRTT session and be set free from the past.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

The post The 5 Traits Of A Poor Leader And Parent appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

Take My Breakup Quiz

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Do You Play The Victim In Relationships?
Are you the Victim? Are you often feeling helpless? Do things often go wrong for you? Do you constantly find yourself dating people who are trying to help or save you? Watch my video

Why Resiliency In Children Is So Important

Adverse childhood events (ACEs) negatively impact children, and for life. They affect brain development, cognition, emotional control and regulation, social skills, relationship attachments, and physical health. Abuse, trauma, and other adverse childhood events create stress in the child; chronic stress changes brain architecture, and creates physical illnesses and diseases that worsen in adulthood.  

This article focuses on strategies to build resiliency particularly when children are experiencing stress and adverse events or trauma. You can read my other article on 10 ways to make your children more resilient.

What Is Resilience?

Resiliency is the ability to respond and adapt to stress and challenges, and, to bounce back with renewed wisdom and motivation. Resiliency is a skill that can be developed.

How To Build Resiliency

Resiliency in children begins with you, the parent or adult. The most important foundation for resiliency for children is you who will also create the experience and feeling of being safe and supported.

Here are 10 ways to build resiliency

1. Become The Resilient Parent

Children receive safety, love, support, and the example from their parents. If there are ongoing adverse events such as the father or mother of the child continues to be abusive or harmful, then your ability to be resilient becomes even more critical.

What is a resilient parent and adult? A problem-solver, a rock or lighthouse; a person who demonstrates healthy relationships with other adults as well as their children. The next 9 tips help you to become a resilient parent.

2. Build Secure Attachment

The resilient parent is nurturing, protective and supportive; he/she listens and is patient and attentive to the child’s needs, challenges, and responses.

3. Validate Experiences and Emotions

Most parents tend to diminish, minimize, negate or deny a child’s experiences and emotions. Instead, validate what they feel and what they have experienced. Ask questions to explore what is happening for them.

4. Develop Emotional Intelligence In Your Child

Resiliency is also tied to emotional intelligence: self-awareness, self-regulation, reading other’s emotions, and influencing other’s emotions/behaviors. Encourage your child to become aware of what she is feeling, to give it a name, and to identify where in her body she might be feeling it. This leads to a sense of control.

5. Encourage Vulnerability

Tell your child he can express his emotions, feelings and needs to you. Encourage him to ask for help. The way you respond will determine if he feels safe to ask for help during difficult or uncertain times. Listen free of judgement. Let him express before jumping in to offer advice. Validate his feelings first, then ask more questions and redirect behavior.

6. Develop Skills For Emotional Regulation – Coping

As you teach your child to become more self-aware, teach them skills to help them release or balance intense emotions during stressful events. For example, teach them simple breathing techniques such as 4, 7, 8: Sit upright, breathe in gently to a mental count of 4, hold the breath for a count of 7, breathe out gently to a count of 8.

Encourage your child to join physical movement classes – dance, yoga, sport, martial arts, and so forth.

7. Build A Social Network

You cannot do it all on your own! Involve family, friends and teachers who can listen, support, play, encourage and validate your children. The more people who can express a belief in the child, the more resilient the child will become. I am not referring to the damaging phrases such as, ‘You are now the man of the house.’ I am referring to love, care, affection and encouragement which communicate to a child, ‘I am here for you. Life is more than the bad you have experienced. You will be OK! I believe in you; you can do it.’

Supportive friends and social networks create connections, security, and belonging for your child. They can also develop social skills and build values and a sense of community from these friends and social network.

8. “It’s Not Your Fault”

Children are egocentric: They believe the world revolves around them. Therefore, they subconsciously blame themselves for everything that happens to them or fails to happen for them. Children will blame themselves for abuse and neglect; they will blame themselves even when someone is ridiculing, belittling or bullying them; they will blame themselves because you did not give them more attention or if you and your spouse are arguing or divorcing. The solution: constantly and consistently reinforce to them that whatever is happening around them and to them is not their fault. “It’s not your fault. Your mom/dad/aunt/grandpa were that way before you came along. You did not make them that way. You are not in control of them. They are adults; they make their own choices. It is not your fault.”

9. Build Resiliency With The Growth Mindset

We all make mistakes. And if you were punished for making mistakes, you will believe that you are the mistake; you will be afraid to express, take risks, try new things, and grow. You will have a fixed mindset thinking that you cannot grow. Teach your children the growth mindset: intelligence, personality, character, creativity, and other skills can be developed; you are not the mistake. This will also lead to more autonomy as they make more decisions and learn from them.

10. And It Is Not Your Fault

No matter what you do or how skilled you are at being resilient or teaching resiliency to your children, please accept that they will experience stress, distress and difficulty. Further, there may have been mistakes that led to adverse events. Perhaps you chose the wrong partner or made some other decision that unknowingly resulted in adverse events and stress for your child. Focus on forgiving yourself; this is critical so you can model resiliency, self-compassion and forgiveness for your child. Your health affects their health!

If you need help to release guilt, shame or self-blame over what has happened – get the help you want, need and deserve. Do it now gently, easily, and quickly with my SRTT process. Book an SRTT session and be set free from the past.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D. Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

The post Another 10 Ways To Build Extraordinary Resiliency In Children appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

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What Is Cancel Culture?

‘We don’t like what you did, said, wrote or believe. We want you to think and act the way we do! Therefore, we are cancelling you and all about you – your brand, movies, shows and voice! We want to publicly shame you and end your popularity, power, influence, wealth, or career.’

Welcome to ‘cancel culture.’

People against cancel culture argue that it is driven by today’s liberals or ‘woke’ culture; woke referring to a push against social injustice – racism, sexism, discrimination.

But is cancel culture truly something new? Is it a phenomenon of the liberals, the woke or the weak, ‘flake’ elements of society?

It is not.

Cancel Culture has been around for as long as people have been around – and it has been led by the Church, by governments and by people of all ideologies – both conservatives and liberals.

Below are a few examples of cancel culture throughout history.

Cancel Culture 1966: The Beatles Protests & Burnings

March 1966, John Lennon is quoted in the London Evening Standard: “We’re more popular than Jesus now; I don’t know which will go first – rock ’n’ roll or Christianity. Jesus was all right but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It’s them twisting it that ruins it for me.”

When Lennon’s words were later quoted in the US, they “incited protests and threats, particularly throughout the Bible Belt in the Southern United States. Some radio stations stopped playing Beatles songs, records were publicly burned, press conferences were cancelled, and the Ku Klux Klan picketed concerts.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/More_popular_than_Jesus

Cancel Culture 1938-1975: House Un-American Activities Committee and McCarthyism

“HUAC was created in 1938 to investigate alleged disloyalty and rebel activities on the part of private citizens, public employees and organizations suspected of having Communist ties. Citizens suspected of having ties to the communist party would be tried in a court of law.” https://www.trumanlibrary.gov/education/presidential-inquiries/house-un-american-activities-committee

“Between HUAC and the McCarthy hearings, Congress held broad, roving investigations into the political activity of many Americans suspected of being communists or communist sympathizers.” https://www.mtsu.edu/first-amendment/article/815/house-un-american-activities-committee

Nearly 300 actors and others employed in the movie industry were also blacklisted or prevented from working for alleged ties or for sympathizing with Communism.

Cancel Culture 2015: Donald Trump Pushes To Cancel Macy’s

In 2015, Macy’s stores decided to stop selling Donald Trump’s merchandise. Trump’s response was to try and take Macy’s down, even gloating when its shares dropped. “I hope the boycott of @Macys continues forever. So many people are cutting up their cards. Macy’s stores suck and they are bad for U.S.A.”

Cancel Culture 2017: The Canceling Of Milo Yiannopoulos

A conservative activist, Milo proudly attacked Jews, Muslims, women, lesbians, transgender people, feminists, fat people, certain individuals, Liberals and progressives, and the Liberal victimhood culture. Conservatives welcomed him. However, in 2017, several video clips surfaced where he said that sexual relationships between 13-year-old boys and adult men and women can be “perfectly consensual” and positive experiences for the boys. CPAC (the largest US conservative conference) withdrew the invitation to Milo to speak; Milo’s book deal was canceled, and after a dozen staffers at conservative Breitbart News threatened to walk out if Milo wasn’t fired, Milo resigned from Breitbart.

Cancel Culture 1478 – 1834: The Spanish Inquisition

Also, the Catholic Inquisition, Roman Inquisition and Portuguese Inquisition.

“150,000 people were prosecuted for various offences [heresy – beliefs or opinions contrary to the Catholic doctrine] during the three-century duration of the Spanish Inquisition, of whom between 3,000 and 5,000 were executed.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spanish_Inquisition

The Catholic Church and other religions such as Jehovah’s Witnesses continue to ex-communicate or disfellowship members who defy religious doctrine.

Cancel Culture 1692-93: Salem Witch Trials

“The Salem witch trials occurred in colonial Massachusetts between 1692 and 1693. More than 200 people were accused of practicing witchcraft – the Devil’s magic – and 20 were executed. Eventually, the colony admitted the trials were a mistake and compensated the families of those convicted.”
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/a-brief-history-of-the-salem-witch-trials-175162489/

“A belief in accountability does not involve condoning threats or violence – and freedom of expression does not mean freedom from consequence.”

– Billy Bragg

Cancel Culture or Consequence Culture? Accountability

There have always been examples of ‘cancel culture’ – groups, individuals, corporations or government that punish people for differing viewpoints, and who attempt to cancel with the intention of maintaining just one single viewpoint, and thereby blocking free speech.

However, there is a need for consequences that one must bear when opinions, statements or actions affect the people targeted by the words or actions of that person. Thus, consequence culture VS cancel culture should be about righting wrong, redirection of behavior, atonement and forgiveness.

Harvey Weinstein, one of Hollywood’s most powerful movie producers sexually harassed and raped various women over several decades. He was never cancelled by his own people in the entertainment industry); he faced the consequences of his actions only with punishment by law. After all, his own people enabled him to continue abusing his power. But the legal consequences were realized only when women finally spoke up against Weinstein – #MeToo.

There will always be the need to reign in power and its abuse. And there will always be the need to promote and safeguard free expression, and the exchange of ideas and opinions!

If you have experienced any sexual abuse or trauma, get the help you want, need and deserve. Do it now gently, easily, and quickly with my SRTT process. Book an SRTT session and be set free from the past.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D. Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

The post Cancel Culture Has Been Around Forever appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

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Should You Love Yourself First?
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Women Don’t Want An Unsolicited Dick Pic

If you are a woman or a gay man, you most likely have received an unsolicited “dick pic” (a photo of a man’s genitalia.) One survey (2,045 and 298 gay/bisexual men) reveals that 91% of women who received a dick pic did so without asking for it.

“Women of all sexual identities predominantly experienced negative responses to these unsolicited nude images, with only a minority selecting any positive or neutral/ambivalent reactions.” Meanwhile, gay and bisexual men responded positively, while younger women versus older women responded more negatively to the unsolicited dick pics.

Why Would Any Man Send An Unsolicited Dick Pic?

As someone who has never done this and who has never thought about doing it, I, too, questioned why a man would do this and, what type of man does this. There are many theories, postulations, and plain guesses.

Here, though, are the findings of one study (of 1,087 men) revealing the 6 shocking motivations of men who send unsolicited dick pics. They are numbered according to the percentages of responses – from the highest to the lowest.

1. Tit-for-tat – Transactional – “I’ll Show You Mine So You’ll Show Me Yours”

This was the number one factor motivating men to send unsolicited dick pics. These men stated that they believe that by sending a photo of their genitalia, the woman will respond the same way and will send a photo of herself naked or of her genitalia.

2. Let’s Hook Up – Partner Hunting – ‘You’ve Seen My Dick, Let’s Hook-Up’

A close second reason to send an unsolicited dick pic is the hope for sex! Rather than simply stating their desire to have sex with the woman, some men chose to send a dick pic believing that the woman will either get sufficiently turned on and will want sex with the man, or, she will realize that the man is asking for sex. For some men, sending an unsolicited dick pic is a way of sexually flirting.

3. Sexual/Personal Gratification – ‘It Turns Me On’
These men (about 18%) reported that they themselves get turned on by sending unsolicited dick pics; they are proud of the way their penis looks, others would be excited to see it; others reported that they thrive on positive feedback about their penis (and to boost their self-esteem), and others receive satisfaction from having their penis insulted.

4. Power & Control – ‘I Enjoy Getting A Reaction From You Or Doing Something You Don’t Want Me To Do’

To me, this response is the most dangerous – even if it accounted for only 10% of the responses. The desire for power and control is often the motivation for men who abuse women. Some men said it gave them a feeling of control over the other person they sent the unsolicited dick pic! These men stated they got excited or got a thrill by: Forcing someone to see their penis without their consent; making the woman angry by sending dick pics in response to a disagreement, or a perverted sense of satisfaction doing it against the other person’s will.

5. Unresolved Childhood Conflict – ‘I Want To Overcome Shame Around My Body’

A small percentage of men reported that they experienced shame by their parents over their nudity as they got older, and they believe that by sending an unsolicited dick pic, it might free them of that shame. Others reported they enjoyed nudity growing up and wanted to recreate that sense of free expression.

6. Misogyny – ‘I Hate Feminism And I Dislike Women’

Unfortunately, the media and other groups have made the false assertion that the primary motivation for men who send unsolicited dick pics is the hatred of women – misogyny – and to punish women. The research does not support that claim. The smallest number of men – about 6% reported that they hated feminism and sent dick photos to punish them for taking power away from men, or because they got satisfaction because they dislike women.

Who Are These Men Who Send Unsolicited Dick Pics? Narcissists And Exhibitionists

The results reveal that the majority of the men in this study did not send these unsolicited dick pics with the intention of harming of hurting women. “A significant minority of men reported sending dick pics with the intention of eliciting negative emotions in the recipients, primarily shock, fear, and disgust.” However, the men in this study did demonstrate higher levels of narcissism, and they endorse greater ambivalent and hostile sexism than men who don’t engage in this behavior. Further, these men are exhibitionists who have negative views of sex and sexuality, and they therefore, “hold more sex- or genital-related concerns such as a fear of sexuality, a fear of sexual intercourse, or a low sense of genital-esteem.”

If you have experienced any sexual abuse or trauma, get the help you want, need and deserve. Do it now gently, easily, and quickly with my SRTT process. Book an SRTT session and be set free from the past.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

The post The 6 Shocking Reasons Men Send Unsolicited Dick Pics appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

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What Is Normal Marital Hatred?

According to one family therapist, it is okay to hate your partner, labeling it as “normal marital hatred.”

“No one acknowledges the underbelly of relationships. Nobody acknowledges the darkness…There are going to be moments when you look at your partner, and at that moment, there is a part of you that just hates their guts. You’re trapped with this horrible human being. How did you wind up here? What I want to say is, ‘Welcome to marriage. Welcome to long-term relationships.’” –  Terence Real

I believe this concept of “normal marital hatred” is just an attempt to get lots of publicity and reaction – state something that is shocking, controversial and goes against the grain.

It is an absurd statement to say “No one acknowledges the darkness [of relationships.] Really? “No one?” The media constantly sells stories of relationships that fail – particularly celebrity marriages. Think of the publicity of relationships and marriages of Mel Gibson, Alec Baldwin, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Britney Spears, Kim Kardashian, Jennifer Lopez, and so forth. I have even written an article that relationships can be like Chinese water torture!

Normal marital hatred is not normal, it is not a thing, and it is not healthy

Now, let’s dismantle and debunk the awful and harmful teaching that it is okay to hate your partner.

Normal means that something is usual, typical, and expected.

Hatred is intense dislike or ill will.

We might say, “I hate broccoli” but we all know that to say, “I hate John” has a very different meaning and connotation. We don’t harbor ill will against broccoli when we say we “hate” broccoli.

Thus, this man is stating that you should expect to hate your romantic partner – dislike them intensely and harbor ill will against them. How can you think that it will help you to thrive in any relationship when you believe that it is okay to hate your partner?

When hatred builds in a relationship, when it becomes frequent, lasts a long time and is intense, it will lead to contempt. There is no turning back when hatred and contempt take over a relationship. Once you have contempt towards someone in your life, you will end the relationship or marriage!

So, no, hatred is not normal in marriages – except those headed for divorce.

In fact, research shows that strong relationships have a 5-to-1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. (John Gottman, a University of Washington marriage researcher.)

Yes, there will be moments when perhaps you dislike your partner for something that they have done that has hurt you, disappointed your or not met your expectations. (I teach to focus on disliking the behavior first over the person.)

If, though, the act is sufficiently egregious and you now hate the person, then this intense dislike and harboring of ill will, will lead to the end of the relationship. For example, a betrayal may mean that not only do you hate this person or act, but that you are no longer willing to trust this person ever again.  

Real Life Marriages Say That Normal Marital Hatred Is Not Normal

Here are a few responses from married couples that also debunk the myth of “normal marital hatred.”

“Good lord. I’ve been married for 20 years and I have never hated my husband or felt trapped.”

“A friend just divorced after 40 years of marriage and 3 years of couple’s therapy. There was a lot of hatred between them during the last few years and none of it seemed normal to me.”

“Been married for 32 years and I have not once hated my husband. And I doubt he’s ever hated me.”

“24 years with my wife, we’ve never hated each other. The idea that there is ‘normal marital hatred’ in relationships says a lot about how terrible America is at being good humans.”

“’Marital hate’ is a headline to get attention but is an exaggeration. My wife and I have been married 45 years, have had arguments and disagreements and I’ve never “hated” her for 1 minute. What crap.”

“I have been married 45 years (to the same man!) and while I love him dearly, there have been times when I want to strangle him. Hate isn’t the right word but there have been several instances where if I could have walked away, I would have. I am glad we are still together but the line between love and ‘hate’ is muddy. Replace hate with a less incendiary word and I think most long-term relationships can identify.”

“I was married for 30 years, some years better, some worse. There were times, moments of anger, irritation, frustration, fury. Those passed. When I realized that hatred had become the principal emotion, divorce was the next step. If you actually hate someone it poisons everything else. ‘Normal marital hatred’ is not normal or sustainable.”

How To Avoid The Experience Of Normal Marital Hatred

There are things you can do to prevent you from experiencing hatred in your relationship or marriage.

Your marriage is a union and partnership.

I do agree with Real who promotes marriages as an ecosystem (which contradicts his teaching of normal marital hatred since an ecosystem of two does not and cannot survive hatred.)

What is an ecosystem in marital terms? Whatever you do and whatever your partner does impacts the union and ecosystem. You are not separate; you are living inside the relationship. You affect each other. Your relationship can either be symbiotic or parasitic – two people mutually benefitting each other or one person feeding of the other.  Beware of toxic individualism – focusing purely on loving yourself.

Support and Validation

You can enhance the connection and ecosystem by supporting and validating your partner’s emotions and experiences. Focus on also seeing the world and what you have done through their eyes.

“I see that you are frustrated and hurt. I am sorry that you are experiencing that. What can I say or do to help?” Real teaches to say, “I am sorry you feel that”, but that is not a healthy approach because it sounds as if you are negating what they feel.

Conflict Resolution

Focus on ways to resolve conflict versus escalating conflict – note your default conflict style. Avoid conflict by asking yourself a simple question, “Is what I’m about to say respectful and not hurtful?” Focus on resolving the issue rather than being right.

Acceptance and Love

I teach love is wanting the best for the other person. Accept their imperfections, choose to be vulnerable, and express intimacy.

Are you experiencing problems in your marriage or relationship? Are you struggling to get over a betrayal? Get the help you want, need and deserve. Do it now gently, easily, and quickly with my SRTT process. Book an SRTT session and be set free from the past.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

The post Normal Marital Hatred – Is It Real? appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

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When a Mother Doesn’t Believe Her Daughter Has Been Molested
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What Does It Mean To Be Robbed of Your Childhood?

Do you feel like you never had a childhood?

Or perhaps you feel like there is an emptiness inside – feelings of anxiety, fear around intimacy, lack of safety or trust, loneliness, or feelings of impending doom?

To understand what childhood is, one must first define the role of a child and that of a parent.

I teach that the role of a parent is to give the child everything that he/she needs to realize his/her full potential. Thus, that extends beyond love. In fact, I have created a list of the 60 things that every child needs.

Therefore, if the role of a parent is to give the child everything that he/she needs to realize his/her full potential, then what is the role of the child?

To receive.

The parent gives, and the child receives.

For many of my clients, they did not receive what they needed. Instead had to give – to be the adult, the caretaker, the parent, or the psychological nurse. Some were forced to give themselves sexually.

And yet for other clients of mine, what they received was harm, physical & emotional neglect, abuse, and other forms of adverse childhood events (ACE.)

You Were Robbed Of Your Childhood If:

1. You experienced any form of trauma

2. You never felt safe or cared for

3. You never felt loved, nurtured or protected

4. You felt abandoned or neglected

5. You were afraid to express yourself or your emotions

6. You felt you had to be perfect, and that you were not allowed to make mistakes

7. Your parents gaslighted you – telling you that you are wrong or crazy; denying your experiences of reality
8. Your parents/caretakers were inconsistent, unreliable, or frightening

9. You felt alone, isolated, lonely, or disconnected

10. You felt like a black sheep or that you didn’t belong

11. The emotions in your household were chaotic, angry, fearful, or overwhelming

12. Your parents were alcoholic or suffered from other addictions

13. Your parents were abusive or violent (to you, your siblings or to each other)

14. You were abused – physically, mentally, emotionally or sexually

15. You didn’t receive emotional support

16. Your parents were not physically present or available

17. Your parents failed to give you positive attention or to play with you

18. You grew up in poverty or lacked food and clothing

19. You grew up in a war zone

20. You were separated from your parents and forced to work as a child

21. You were not seen, heard, understood, or validated

22. Your parents did not care for your personality/uniqueness

23. Your parents were not attuned to you

24. Your parents shamed, criticized, judged, or blamed you

25. Your parents belonged to a cult

26. You had to take care of others

27. You played the role of adult or parent

28. You never felt good enough

To Be Robbed of Your Childhood Equals A Loss of Innocence

The above list represents some of the factors that reveal that your childhood was robbed from you. It is another way of saying that your childhood innocence was stolen or robbed from you. And you don’t need to answer yes to every sign to know that you were robbed of your childhood.

“In increments both measurable and not, our childhood is stolen from us not always in one momentous event but often in a series of small robberies, which add up to the same loss.” – Author: John Irving

I Can Help You If You Were Robbed Of Your Childhood

It is true that you cannot get back your childhood. However, imagine being set free from the pain of the past and feeling safe and whole again – or for the first time. I have helped clients who were robbed of their childhood. Get the help you want, need and deserve. Do it now gently, easily, and quickly with my SRTT process. Book an SRTT session and be set free from the past.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D. Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

The post Were You Robbed Of Your Childhood? 28 Shocking Signs You Were! appeared first on Patrick Wanis.