In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal 10 tips/steps to getting over an affair or betrayal.
First a quick update:
The Breakup Test
Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, hung up, or pining over your ex? Do you know how your ex is truly affecting you and do you want to benefit from personalize advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.
Does Guilt Control You?
It is a common response that when we do something wrong, we will feel guilty or bad. What matters the most is the way you respond to your guilt. Do you choose to beat yourself up over wrongdoing? Do you choose to condemn yourself, making yourself feel only worse? Watch the video.
Now, let’s talk about 10 tips/steps to getting over an affair or betrayal.
Whether or not you are even considering reviving the relationship following an affair or betrayal, you must still ‘get over’ the affair.
Getting over an affair infers that you will be free of the pain and suffering, you will have learned something valuable from the experience, and you will again be able to be vulnerable, to trust and to revive the relationship or enter into another relationship.
There are 2 types of affairs or cheating – physical cheating and emotional cheating.
While both types of affairs are destructive, men seem to be more affected when their partner physically cheats, and women seem to be more affected when their partner emotionally cheats.
Here are 10 questions and steps to help you decide if you will stay in the relationship or not and, how to get over the affair:
1 .Is this a horrible mistake or is it a pattern or habit?
Do you see this as a one-off mistake or does it reflect a habit of lying, deceit, risk-taking or selfish behavior based on instant gratification and just getting one’s needs met?
2. If you could rebuild the trust, would you still want to be in this relationship?
Are there still special elements in the relationship – fun, companionship, common interests and common values? What do you share? Why did you both choose to commit to each other in the first place? Why did you both choose to build a life together?
3. Had either of you given up on the relationship prior to the affair, and do you still want to revive it?
If you were to heal the relationship, would it only be with the intention of staying together for reasons other than love, intimacy and partnership i.e. would you simply be staying in the relationship for the children, financial commitments, financial or emotional security?
4. What are you doing to release the anger, rage, resentment, hurt, sadness, rejection, loss, sense of foolishness, etc.?
You will experience a host of challenging, disorienting and extremely difficult emotions and thoughts. What are you doing to help you to articulate them, release them? What support are you receiving other than friends telling you he/she is a…and you should leave him/her? Seek professional help to identify, validate and safely & effectively release all of the emotions.
5. Have you forgiven him/her?
It does not matter whether or not you will stay in the relationship – you must forgive him/her; you don’t need to condone the betrayal nor continue in the relationship. You do, though, need to forgive to set you free, otherwise, your painful emotions will infect your next relationship or they will keep you alone, isolated, bitter and lonely!
6. What are you doing to deal with any other issues the betrayal might have raised?
A betrayal can easily trigger deeper subconscious issues such as abandonment, loneliness, rejection, neglect, worthlessness, shame or feelings of being unlovable. Until you heal those issues, you won’t be able to heal the relationship or have another relationship with someone new.
7. Is your partner truly remorseful, and responsible?
Remorse is the feeling of regret or deep guilt for the wrong committed. Does your partner feel and express remorse to you or, does he/she blame you for the affair and betrayal? Even if your partner partially blames you, the relationship cannot be saved. He/she must accept responsibility for his/her own actions.
8. Is there a willingness and commitment to honesty by both partners?
You need to be open and honest about your feelings and what you need to begin the process of trust. There must be total transparency (access to social media, emails, phones), and all communication must be completely cut off with the other person involved in the betrayal.
9. Are you both re-committing to the relationship?
He/she must make the relationship a priority and you both must have professional support and guidance to handle future conflicts. Forgiveness for the betrayal must already have occurred.
10. Are you both willing to reconnect?
Trust is not a poetic, romantic feeling. Trust is an action. Connecting with your partner again emotionally is critical and involves vulnerability and intimacy (emotional nakedness, bonding.) Next comes the physical intimacy; the relationship cannot be revived or rebuilt without pleasurable sexual intimacy.
Finally, beware of the 3 dangerous pitfalls of victimhood loosely expressed as:
1. I have lost everything
2. I am less of a person; less valuable than before; unlovable
3. I will never have love again or be happy again
You can add to the conversation below.
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.