Getting The Love You Need

Getting the love you need

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to talk about what you need to feel loved.

First a quick update:

“The evil in all of us”
Research says we all have the capacity to commit evil -atrocities, torture and abuse. Why? Listen to my hour-long discussion and debate with renowned Professor Emeritus of Psychology at Stanford University, author of “The Lucifer Effect” Philip Zimbardo. We examine: Evil and the human psyche; Stress and evil; Dangers of de-individuation; Religion and evil – evil committed in the name of God; The holocaust, anti-Semitism, Jews informing on Jews, and extraordinary behavior by Jehovah’s Witnesses; How technology and the media unknowingly encourage violence, murder and evil; Our fascination with evil and villains such as Batman’s “The Joker”; Gender differences – can women be just as violent and evil as men?; Why men cheat – the link to power; the antidote to evil and; our deepest hidden human desire.

“Getting over it”
I will be presenting a special teleseminar (phone seminar) in one week on how to get over it – breakups, betrayals and rejection. I will be offering fresh new insights and revelations not yet included in my products, and answering questions. Email me your most pressing question. Hopefully, your question will be one of a handful I’ll pick to answer during this special seminar. Email your question: overit at patrickwanis dot com

Now let’s talk about what you need to feel loved.

It amazes me how many people, particularly women believe that the perfect partner exists and that he/she should automatically, innately know what the other person needs to make him or her feel loved. This is a false and dangerous belief and expectation because it sets up potential disappointment and heartache for both partners.

Let me explain. Every one of us has his or her own way of expressing love, kindness, affection and caring. Each one of us views the world through our own filters or glasses. Combine that with other neurological and psychological factors and we become truly unique in our definition of love and its expression. For example, Neuro-Linguistic Programming teaches that we express ourselves, and filter the world through our senses. In other words, some of us are primarily visual and thus we will say, “I see that.” Others, might be kinesthetic (tactile) and will say, “I get it.” A person who is primarily auditory will say “I hear you” or “that rings a bell.” Thus, for each one of these people, an expression of love would be different. A primarily tactile person needs to be held and touched to feel loved. Think of the friend who says “I need a hug.” A visual person may need gifts of flowers or a letter and an auditory person might want to hear daily the words “I love you.” The educational system is finally waking up to this neurological insight and is beginning to adjust its teaching methods rather than simply ruling out some students as slow learners. Psychologically, we might need other things to happen for us to feel loved – reassurance, time, bonding, affection, validation, recognition, praise, encouragement, a listening ear, attention, comfort, empathy, patience, etc.

What do you need to feel loved?I recall two examples when I felt truly loved, when I felt that the other person prized me. One day when I was living in Mexico, I collapsed and was rushed to hospital. Apparently, tainted food or water resulted in parasites in my liver. When I awoke the next morning, there was my girlfriend, Miriam sitting by my side. She had been there all night. I hadn’t asked but she showed loyalty and devotion to me. The other memory occurred in Cozumel and is the best example I can share to demonstrate a key point that you must ask for what you need. I remember my then girlfriend, Stephanie and I, were arguing because she was a natural flirt and often complimenting strangers in front of me but not me. She told me her actions were harmless and meant nothing to her. I told her that I needed for her to occasionally praise and compliment me. The next day, I was walking down the path on my way to host the weekly Manager’s Cocktail Party. Stephanie passed me and told me how handsome I looked in my suit. In that moment, I felt loved and special. It was the greatest gift and example of love I had ever experienced; not because she had praised me but because I recognized and appreciated the effort she made to give me what I needed.

When someone loves you, they will let go of pride and step out of their comfort zone to make the effort to express the love that you need. When I told Stephanie that I needed praise and compliments to feel special and loved, instead of replying to me with “That’s who I am” or “That’s the way I am” Stephanie, by her actions, said “I am willing to do this for you.” Love is about giving -giving freely. Sometimes we are not in the mood to do what the other person wants but if we choose to love, we can give to them and feel good about it. For example, I was raised in a strict religion that does not celebrate birthdays, so mine has never been that important to me, but I recognized with my friends and girlfriends that it was important to them, and I chose to express love to them in their way, in the way they needed.Thus, it is critical to be clear about what you need to feel loved and to be willing to ask for it. Someone may love you in his/her own way but is it enough for you? Remember, if you think your partner should know automatically what you need and should give it automatically, then you are expecting to find perfection. Expect that both of you will need to communicate your needs and desires and then be willing to meet them – as long as you remain true to yourself. If your partner refuses to give you what you need then maybe he or she doesn’t love you or has some other issue such as resentment, fear or judgment.

Check out my Blog on my website to read my past Success Newsletters, post your comments and take a few exciting quizzes. If you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com

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2 replies
  1. Avatar
    Patrick says:

    Hi Debi,

    thanks for being so open with your experiences.

    You have raised many key points: being true to yourself means being consistent with you values, maintaining your integrity.

    It is common for a man to believe that the woman has all of the problems (and remember, I am a man writing this to you.) It is commom for a man to now want to face his stuff, his issues. Men try to bulldoze their way through everything – using willpower and rarely are willing to face their deeper feelings and insecurities. For some men, going to a counselor equals “I am broken…I am weak” versus, i need some assistance, some coaching, some guidance.

    Without knowing your husband i can assure that there is a much deeper motivation for a lack of display of physical love than “sex is not as important to me as it is to you.”

    Now, let me share with you a similar experience with a client and friend. John and his wife Marie (names changed) came to me because she argued that she was in a sexless marriage and her hsuband said, there is something wrong with her, she always wants sex and is highly sexually-charged.

    After working with both of them, it came out that she needed lots of physical love to feel loved and beautful to make up for the constant criticism, judgements and harsh words from her mother who use to tell he she is so ugly, “ugly as a frog.” For John, his issue, we discovered under hypnosis, was that his father used to make crude sexual remarks about women in front of his mother. Accordingly, John hated what his father did and thus John subconscioulsy decided to shut down his own sexual desires because he didn’t want to be “bad” like his father.

    I hope this client case helps to illustrate that we all have subconscious issues that need healing. Let your husband know that it takes greater strength and courage to face who you are than to run away from it. The warrior doesn’t run away from the battle, he runs to it.

    Consider what you need to feel loved, how important that is to you, and why you might have attracted someone that can’t express love to you in the way you truly need.

    Let me know how it goes…

    All the best,

    Patrick

  2. Avatar
    Debi says:

    Hi Patrick,
    My comment is regarding the last paragraph of your newsletter “Getting The Love You Need”…. I have talked to my husband over the years regarding the fact that I am a person who needs and desires physical love as well as emotional love and support. He has given the support in most instances, but mostly gives financial support and security. He never was, nor will he ever by, I suspect, a physically emotional person. I know that over the years, he has loved me, but it’s not been given to me as freely or frequently as I would have liked. Now, after 23 years of marriage, I feel I have emotionally divorced myself from him……. I realize now, after going to a counselor for several months, that we are completely opposite in our needs, goals and desires. My question to you is…..how long do you wait for someone to change? or do you not expect them to change, but rather, be “true to myself” by realizing that this may never change and it may be time to call it quits in order to be happy. What is my happiness worth? Is it worth leaving? I have been in counseling for several months, however, when I suggested that my husband go, he insists that I am the one with the issues, not him, so he doesn’t need to seek any therapy. This to me confirms that he is not willing to make the effort to show his love, although he has admitted that sex is not as important to him as it is to me. I just don’t feel that I should have to settle for a sexless marriage!

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!

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