In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to talk about what you need to feel loved.
First a quick update:
“The evil in all of us”
Research says we all have the capacity to commit evil -atrocities, torture and abuse. Why? Listen to my hour-long discussion and debate with renowned Professor Emeritus of Psychology at Stanford University, author of “The Lucifer Effect” Philip Zimbardo. We examine: Evil and the human psyche; Stress and evil; Dangers of de-individuation; Religion and evil – evil committed in the name of God; The holocaust, anti-Semitism, Jews informing on Jews, and extraordinary behavior by Jehovah’s Witnesses; How technology and the media unknowingly encourage violence, murder and evil; Our fascination with evil and villains such as Batman’s “The Joker”; Gender differences – can women be just as violent and evil as men?; Why men cheat – the link to power; the antidote to evil and; our deepest hidden human desire.
“Getting over it”
I will be presenting a special teleseminar (phone seminar) in one week on how to get over it – breakups, betrayals and rejection. I will be offering fresh new insights and revelations not yet included in my products, and answering questions. Email me your most pressing question. Hopefully, your question will be one of a handful I’ll pick to answer during this special seminar. Email your question: overit at patrickwanis dot com
Now let’s talk about what you need to feel loved.
It amazes me how many people, particularly women believe that the perfect partner exists and that he/she should automatically, innately know what the other person needs to make him or her feel loved. This is a false and dangerous belief and expectation because it sets up potential disappointment and heartache for both partners.
Let me explain. Every one of us has his or her own way of expressing love, kindness, affection and caring. Each one of us views the world through our own filters or glasses. Combine that with other neurological and psychological factors and we become truly unique in our definition of love and its expression. For example, Neuro-Linguistic Programming teaches that we express ourselves, and filter the world through our senses. In other words, some of us are primarily visual and thus we will say, “I see that.” Others, might be kinesthetic (tactile) and will say, “I get it.” A person who is primarily auditory will say “I hear you” or “that rings a bell.” Thus, for each one of these people, an expression of love would be different. A primarily tactile person needs to be held and touched to feel loved. Think of the friend who says “I need a hug.” A visual person may need gifts of flowers or a letter and an auditory person might want to hear daily the words “I love you.” The educational system is finally waking up to this neurological insight and is beginning to adjust its teaching methods rather than simply ruling out some students as slow learners. Psychologically, we might need other things to happen for us to feel loved – reassurance, time, bonding, affection, validation, recognition, praise, encouragement, a listening ear, attention, comfort, empathy, patience, etc.
What do you need to feel loved?I recall two examples when I felt truly loved, when I felt that the other person prized me. One day when I was living in Mexico, I collapsed and was rushed to hospital. Apparently, tainted food or water resulted in parasites in my liver. When I awoke the next morning, there was my girlfriend, Miriam sitting by my side. She had been there all night. I hadn’t asked but she showed loyalty and devotion to me. The other memory occurred in Cozumel and is the best example I can share to demonstrate a key point that you must ask for what you need. I remember my then girlfriend, Stephanie and I, were arguing because she was a natural flirt and often complimenting strangers in front of me but not me. She told me her actions were harmless and meant nothing to her. I told her that I needed for her to occasionally praise and compliment me. The next day, I was walking down the path on my way to host the weekly Manager’s Cocktail Party. Stephanie passed me and told me how handsome I looked in my suit. In that moment, I felt loved and special. It was the greatest gift and example of love I had ever experienced; not because she had praised me but because I recognized and appreciated the effort she made to give me what I needed.
When someone loves you, they will let go of pride and step out of their comfort zone to make the effort to express the love that you need. When I told Stephanie that I needed praise and compliments to feel special and loved, instead of replying to me with “That’s who I am” or “That’s the way I am” Stephanie, by her actions, said “I am willing to do this for you.” Love is about giving -giving freely. Sometimes we are not in the mood to do what the other person wants but if we choose to love, we can give to them and feel good about it. For example, I was raised in a strict religion that does not celebrate birthdays, so mine has never been that important to me, but I recognized with my friends and girlfriends that it was important to them, and I chose to express love to them in their way, in the way they needed.Thus, it is critical to be clear about what you need to feel loved and to be willing to ask for it. Someone may love you in his/her own way but is it enough for you? Remember, if you think your partner should know automatically what you need and should give it automatically, then you are expecting to find perfection. Expect that both of you will need to communicate your needs and desires and then be willing to meet them – as long as you remain true to yourself. If your partner refuses to give you what you need then maybe he or she doesn’t love you or has some other issue such as resentment, fear or judgment.
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.