How To Become Clear About What You Really Want

How to become clear about what you really want

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the consequences of not knowing what you want, and share strategies to help you become clear about what you really want.

First a quick update: 

“Compromising positions: do you want marriage or a career?” – Read the article and my quotes and insights that I gave to about making the tough choices during college – marriage or a career, click here.

“Overcome Holiday Stress”
The Holiday season is almost here and if you want to enjoy the Holidays and have fun and avoid Holiday stress and arguments, read my two articles “Easing Holiday Stress” and “Avoiding Holiday Arguments”.

“Has Ricky Martin really accepted his homosexuality?”
Read the transcript of the insights and answers I gave to a reporter about Ricky Martin who sat down with Oprah for the first time to talk about his life since publicly coming out of the closet earlier this year and telling the world he is a fortunate homosexual man. And now Ricky Martin is also revealing more of his personal life in a new book called “Me.” But is Ricky really okay now with his homosexuality or is he still trying to get other people’s approval and acceptance? Click here to find out.

“For my Spanish-speaking readers and subscribers”
Read the Spanish article about Ricky Martin featuring my quotes and insights here.

Now, let’s talk about what you want.

The first question I ask every new client is “What is it that you want that you don’t yet have?”

Interestingly, most clients struggle with a response and usually talk more about what they don’t want rather than what they do want.

Accordingly, clients will initially respond with “I don’t want to be depressed anymore, I want to stop being angry, I want to overcome my anxiety, I want to stop worrying, I am extremely shy, I want to stop fighting with my husband, etc.”

What is the problem with these answers?

The client is talking about what he doesn’t want and not stating clearly what he or she truly wants.

So the more empowering answer to each of the above responses might be:

“I don’t want to be depressed anymore” – I want to be happy, joyful, energetic, excited about life, and be more social and outgoing

“I want to stop being angry” – I want to be more peaceful; I want inner peace, calmness, tranquility, to be kind to people.

“I want to overcome my anxiety” – I want to be calm, feel confident, in control and strong

“I want to stop worrying” – I want to be peaceful, confident, self-assured and trust that everything will be okay

“I am extremely shy” – I want to be more outgoing, more confident, more open to meeting and talking with people

“I want to stop fighting with my husband” – I want my husband and I to have a better relationship, to be kinder, more respectful and more loving to each other, to agree more often or at least be more accepting of each other

Generally speaking most people have no clue about what they really want in life or from life. As I point out in my book, “Get What You Want!” : “Is it possible to hit a target when you can’t see it? Of course not! If you decide to get what you want, then you must first be clear about what you want.”

Why is it so critical to be clear about what you want?

Adam, 37, is a very successful chef who just recently broke up with his girlfriend. Adam was devastated because he was deeply in love with his much younger girlfriend, Rachel, 22, who had cheated on him. I pointed out to Adam that the primary challenge to their relationship, from the outset, was that Rachel didn’t know what she wanted; she was confused about life, her values and her goals and dreams. When someone isn’t clear about what they want in life, then it is easy to become swayed or influenced.

Imagine that you are at a restaurant and you don’t know what to order because you don’t know what you feel like eating. Your friends offer you more and more choices until you become more confused and finally, one of your friends says, “Here, order the chicken soup and the pasta.” You give in so that you can please everyone.

People get swayed and persuaded to do things all the time when they are not clear about what they want and who they are. It’s hard to say “No” when one doesn’t know what is truly significant and meaningful to him/her and so most times, people will say yes to the wrong thing. Rachel took a vacation and had a fling with another man because she didn’t know what she wanted – she didn’t know who she is, what her values are, what relationship she wanted – whether or not she wanted a serious relationship or what type of man she wanted.

If you are in a relationship with someone who doesn’t know what they want, then you must be prepared that one day, he or she will find out what they want and when that day comes, what they want might not be you or it might be a life without you. So when you are clear about what you want it becomes easier to choose to be with someone that is also clear about what they want – i.e. you both want the same things. And this principle applies to all relationships – business, social and romantic.

I also encourage all of my clients to create an “Action Plan” – a list of goals, dreams & visions and the necessary action steps to take to make it a reality. If you don’t have a clearly written Action Plan, then most likely your dream is nothing more than a fantasy. Only with clearly defined goals and strategies, can one turn a vision into a reality.

So how can one become clear about what he or she wants in life?

From my book, “Get What You Want!”:

“We experience life in four realms: Mental, Emotional, Physical and Spiritual. Establishing your goals and intentions in all of these areas leads to deep satisfaction, fulfillment and happiness. For example, in the Emotional Realm you might decide you intend to create and have a loving relationship with your soul mate and travel Europe together or you might state your intention to deepen your bond with your son/daughter or partner. In the Physical realm, you might choose to lose ten pounds, lower your cholesterol, become physically toned, obtain a new job in a new field or purchase a new car. In the Mental realm, you might decide to read a specific book, learn a new skill, get a degree or further your education. In the Spiritual realm, you might decide to do some charity work once a week, meditate and/or pray daily to connect and communicate with God or Higher Power.

Education, learning, stimulation and growth

Peace of mind, love, relationship with self and others

Live your purpose & mission, serve others, connection with God or Higher Source

Health, financial goals, material needs

Through my experience, I have noticed that many people find it to be a real challenge to clearly establish what they want out of life. Further complicating the issue is the fact that as we grow, evolve and change, so too, do the things we want out of life.

Here is a simple exercise I give to clients that will help to identify what you want and to confirm that what you say you want is your deep desire and passion. I always encourage people to live out of purpose and passion -not fear and obligation.

Take a few moments to relax. You might dim the lights in the room and take in a few slow long deep breaths. When completing the answers below, ensure that you write the first thing that comes to your mind without thinking about or analyzing the answers.  Allow sixty seconds for each answer to questions one to three.

  1. If you had a million dollars, what would you do and how would you spend it?
  2. If you could do anything without the fear of failing, guaranteed to succeed, what would you do?
  3. If you only had six months to live, what would you do?

Imagine it is near the end of your life. You are sitting down on a porch looking out and thinking back on your life. Now, you have passed on. One of your friends or acquaintances has been chosen to read your eulogy. Write down the name of the person who will read your eulogy and then write out your eulogy as if he or she were writing it and then delivering it. Take two minutes to complete this exercise and again write down the first things that come to mind.”

If you would like to get clear about what you want and get what you want, get my book, “Get What You Want!” .

If you would like to know the secret, the most important question that will determine whether or not “it” is what you really want and whether or not it is in your best interests to pursue it, read my Newsletter from May 2009.

You can comment on this newsletter by visiting my blog or directly to this article.

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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist

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