How Daughters Can Heal Their Relationship With Their Father

How daughters can heal their relationship with their father

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to talk about how daughters can heal their relationship with their father.

First a quick update:

“The psychological motivations behind New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s downfall” came when it was revealed he had been using the services of prostitutes for years. Spitzer was the man who led strong, stinging campaigns against corruption and prostitution. How did this happen? I reveal to the ladies of XM radio’s Broadminded radio show the real psychological, neurological and behavioral motivations behind Spitzer’s actions. This is a controversial interview. To listen to my interview visit to Radio-Interviews

“Fathers and their negative impact on daughters”
Listen to my lengthy conversation with Linda Nielsen, professor of adolescent psychology and women’s studies at Wake Forest University in North Carolina. Linda has been teaching a “Fathers and Daughters” course since 1990, conducting research among her college students for almost 20 years. Linda and I reveal specific ways that daughters can heal their relationship with their father, offering advice, insights and strategies to help women regain their power, sense of self-worth, confidence and self-esteem. To listen to my interview visit to Radio-Interviews.

Now let’s talk about how daughters can heal their relationship with their father.

In my last Success Newsletter, I explained that the relationship that a child has with his or her parents will greatly determine the type of relationships the child has as an adult, as well as his/her self-esteem, self-worth, self-concept and even her weight. In other words, often the dynamic experienced as child will be repeated as an adult. Interestingly, the relationship that a father has with his daughter will affect the daughter on many levels – physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually. For example, a woman who didn’t receive much attention from her father as a child will grow up to be very insecure and will often be subconsciously motivated to endlessly pursue male attention to compensate.

I received a huge response to that newsletter with people requesting more information, advice and guidance.

So what to do if you are the daughter who didn’t have the healthy relationship with dad?

There are two goals: First, heal within you those issues and beliefs that block you from having a good relationship with another man and second; work on healing your present day relationship with your father.

The most important goal is the first one: your own subconscious beliefs.

Based on your childhood experiences with your father you formed beliefs about yourself, your self-worth and love itself. For example, absence of a father is a key negative factor. Absence can be defined as dad not being around, present or available either physically, mentally, emotionally or affectionately. (I discuss this in detail in the conversation with Dr Nielsen.) The result for the daughter is that she may constantly fear that the man will leave her or cheat on her, that she is unworthy of the love, attention, affection or interest of a man. And accordingly she will attract that same type of man as her father in the subconscious hope that she can heal that issue. However, if she does find the man that offers her all that she years for, she will reject him because she doesn’t believe she deserves to be loved.

In other words, the child believes that the way that dad acted was her fault – there is something wrong with her because dad didn’t love her, give her attention, talk with her, allow her to express herself or show enough interest in her. Yes, the child subconsciously feels guilt and shame thinking that if she were different or better, then dad would have loved her the way she wanted to be loved. Children also often blame themselves for the divorce of their parents.

Thus, the way that I help my individual clients is to teach them at a subconscious level that it was not about you! You did not cause dad to be the way he is or to act the way he did. Dad did what he did because of his childhood programming and his own insecurities, self-doubt and beliefs about love and his self-worth. Understanding him, leads to freeing you. It was never about you. Yes, there might be great sadness and loss over the past, but it was never about you – there is nothing wrong with you!

The key is to first identify what you believe about yourself and self-worth. Are you lovable? For example, Dr Nielsen felt that she was not allowed to freely express herself or her emotions. The second step is to seek to understand why dad was the person he was: What happened in his childhood and life? The third step is to allow yourself to feel and safely release those emotions about the past that you might have been suppressing or repressing – anger, sadness, loss, pain, hurt, rejection, guilt, shame, blame, self-punishment, revenge, etc.Fourth, forgive dad and change your beliefs and perceptions about him and yourself.Finally, realize that it is not happening anymore – it is in the past, finished, done with and over. It is not happening anymore. Yes, you might have been a victim as child – with no choices – but now as an adult you have choices.

Of course, it might not be easy or simple to do this process on your own, so seek the help of a professional, and follow your gut and intuition when choosing that person.

For additional support, help and exercises, listen to my audio book: “Get The Man You Want”.

Remember to check out my Blog on my website to read my past Success Newsletters, post your comments and take a few exciting quizzes.  If you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com 

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2 replies
  1. Avatar
    Patrick says:

    Dear Michele,
    thanks for opening up and sharing your experiences and challenges. I guess it is obvious that your challenge with your husband is the same challenge that you had with your dad as a child – you were told or you didn’t feel smart or intelligent enough.

    Here are a few practical suggestions. Step one is not to outsmart them (dad and husband) but rather to take back your power i.e. you determine how you feel about you -not them. Do this by telling them to stop the next time they criticize you or tell you something negative about you. If you need to get angry to stand up for yourself the first time, then that is fine. You may need to walk out of the room. Either way, you must remain consistent in not listening or accepting their criticism of you. Again, say “stop it. Don’t talk to me that way etc.” And don’t let them finish the sentence. If they keep talking, walk out of the room for five minutes and then come back. These actions are your message to them that you will not accept or recieve their criticism. Be careful not to criticize them or that might start an argument. Stick to the topic i.e. “stop saying that to me. I will not listen to these criticisms or attack, etc.”

    Second, understand that your dad was probably told he was stupid when he was a child or he saw his father say that to women.

    When you feel the time is right, sit down calmly with dad and your husband separately and speak from the heart as you tell them how their criticism and attacks hurt you. also, consider, asking dad and your husband about their childhood. If they admit to you that they were criticized as children, ask them how did it make them feel and then let then know that this is how you also now feel.

    Finally, tell them you love them but you will not allow them to speak to you negatively because you love and respect yourself.

    I wish you the best Michele and trust that this will help!
    Also, work on building your self-esteem. In my “get the man you want” CD, i have a section where i speak to you affirmations and you speak them back e.g. I say “You are special” and then there is a pause for you to say aloud back, “I am special.” And yes, you are!
    Patrick

  2. Avatar
    Michele says:

    I had believed that my relationship with my dad had been healed after my mother died almost five years ago. He requested that I come to work for him, so my husband and I could take over his business in 5 to 10 years when he was ready to retire, or if he died. (both my sister and mother are now dead, and I have no other siblings) I thought we had finally reached a point in our lives that we were getting a long and talking. However, I was wrong, over the last 3 years our relationship has degraded into something far worse than it was than even when I was a teenager. He treats much as I was then. I have a friend who tells me that I need to take responsibility for what my father and husband are doing to me. (my husband echoes a lot of what my father says… ) I know a lot about computers, but have had no formal training, however, both have stated that apparently I know nothing about computers. Which is simply not true. What my friend is saying to me though is that I need to not listen to what they are saying to me, I need to be smarter than them, and not let it get to me. And yet I have let the “bad” things people have said to me for years get to me, and sink in and leave behind damage. I need to stop this, and start being the person I was meant to be. Any suggestions?

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