Men who lie and cheat

Men who lie and cheat

Men who lie and cheat

Diana Falzone of Maxim Radio emailed me to bring to my attention her latest quest to support women. Her post and then my response are below:

Read this post it may help us girls out!  Send it to every girl who has been broken up with, cheated on, or lied to by a guy.

BAN DATING MEN FOR SATURDAY – March 15th

Enough is enough.  Last week I read on Gawker.com about the terrible Glamour blogger and his womanizing ways…today I read about Eliot Spitzer cheating on his wife of twenty years with a hooker.  What is wrong with men?  I think I’ve finally figured it out.  It’s women.  Women find excuses to stay with their men while men try to find excuses to leave their wives and girlfriends. 

I live in New York City which I think has to be one of the most competitive dating scenes in the world.  Every weekend one of my beautiful, independent, successful girlfriends tells me about the guy who cheated on her.  We sit over brunch discussing every single detail of their relationship.  We try to figure out what happened in his childhood and past relationships that made him want to stray from what seemed a promising romance.  Then, we look at her behavior.  Did she cause him to be a cheating a-hole?  NO, NO, and NO.  Yet, my friend walks away heart broken and defeated.  No one is immune to being hurt but afer a while I worry about myself and my girlfriends.  When will we stop being able to heal our hearts and find love again.  There is only so much infidelity a person can handle before they stop believing in love.  In order to keep women of the world from becoming bitter, cynical spinsters I ask that we as a gender stick together and have a weekend without men!

Tell your sister, best friend, cousin, neighbor, co-worker to give up men for a Saturday night.  In fact, this Saturday March 15th. Take back your night. Dress up for yourself, go do something for you, don’t worry about him.  Let him sit on his couch playing Halo with his buddies who suffer from Peter Pan Syndrome and wonder, “I wonder what (insert your name) is doing right now?” Let men see that women are not willing to deal with their crap anymore. 

Are you with me girls?

My response:

There are two key points here that need to be addressed. First: the individual choice that one makes to engage in lying and cheating and; Second: women who betray women.

When women choose to have an affair or a tryst with a man whom they know is in a relationship then they are betraying their own gender. So Diana, while it is commendable to call out to women to unite and stand up to the cheaters, we should also appeal to women to honor and respect themselves and their own gender. If women said no to the married or taken man, then he would be forced to deal with his issues and his relationship rather than simply escaping himself and betraying his relationship. In other words, when men cheat they are doing it (almost always) with another woman. So women, stop listening to his ploys: “ohh, i am so unhappy in my relationship…she treats me like crap…she pays no attention to me…she is a bitch…she doesn’t love me…she is just using me…we are in the relationship for the kids…(and my favorite)…we sleep in the same bed but we are not having sex!” Tell him when he is free and clear (of his relationship and his issues and insecurities) to come back and see you. Guess what? If he doesn’t come back to you, he was just using you anwyay!

My final point,  ignoring your man won’t make him a better person nor faithful – he will probably just go out with the boys and hit on those “dressed up” ladies Diana mentioned! Instead, sit down and speak openly with him about where your relationship is heading and how you feel. Also discuss with him definitions of cheating and your values!

Read my other articles on cheating in my blog!

Remember, every relationship begins with you. Begin loving and respecting yourself. OK, i am now expecting a call from Diana!

-Patrick

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11 replies
  1. Avatar
    Donna Lawless says:

    I have been in relationship with a man off and on for twenty years, we have been married to other people (we werent seeing eachother during the marriages)during this period of time. He lied and cheated the whole time and had a crack habit. Eight years ago, I ended the relationship. In 2008, we found eachother again, he had been in prison for 2 yrs, but he was clean & sober, so of course, I thought that we might have a chance, but by the end of 2008, I found out that he was online developing relationships with other woman, I confronted him about and explained to him that this is not the life style I wanted, if this was what he wanted then he should move on, of course, swore up and down he wanted me and me alone, Fast forward to May 2009, I found out he was doing it again, I actually talk with one of the women, she send me all of the emails they wrote, I ended the relationship for good. My question is , Why didnt he just say, this what want to do and walk away. Why did he keep lying about his true nature? why does he choose women who dont want to be in serious relationships like him?. Why does he need to make women believe he cares about them? when he is just using them. What the hell is wrong with this guy?

    • Avatar
      Patrick Wanis says:

      Dear Donna,

      I am sorry that you have experienced so much pain and for so many years.

      There are two key points here: his ‘stuff’ and your ‘stuff.’

      Let’s start with him:

      you have chosen a man that had a serious drug habit. That means he has many unresolved issues and pain. Most people turn to drugs to escape something about themselves (a pain or aspect they refuse to face and accept) or because they have become so numb in life that they cannot experience joy or express themselves unless they are high; they cannot feel happiness. Being sober is a great start but the real healing only occurs if he has dealt with the reasons why he turned to drugs. Second, you have chosen a man that has been in prison which also means he has problems with authority or is rebelling or believes in breaking the law or lacks morals and values. Of course, people can change – only if they do the necessary inner work. Third, you have chosen a man who cannot commit and devote himself to one woman. In fact, I would guess he has a major problem with responsibility – thus the drug habit, prison time and his choice of women who do not want to commit. Fear of commitment often stems from fear of rejection.

      He may genuinely care about you but he may not necessarily love you because he probably does not know what love is as he does not love himself. He probably also holds onto you because you offer love, attention and affection, even though, ultimately he rejects it.

      Now, let’s talk about you.

      Are you ready for the tough questions?

      Why do you choose someone that cannot love you?
      Why do you think that you do not deserve better?
      What are you afraid of?

      You said, “My question is , Why didnt he just say, this is what I want to do and walk away?” Ask yourself the same question. What do you want?
      Stick to it. You do not truly want this man, you want love, to be able to love and to be loved back!

      Why do you not walk away when it is so obvious that he cannot love you the way you want and need?
      What will it take for you to believe that you are good enough, worthy and deserving of real love, a real relationship?

      Finally, the best advice I can give you is to forget about him (you cannot change him) and instead focus on yourself. Have you read my Success Newsletter: Falling in love with abusers?
      https://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2008/10/08/falling-in-love-with-abusers/

      Is your relationship not similar to an abusive one?
      Listen and use my CDs/MP3 audio programs: “Get the man you want” and “Get Over it”: https://patrickwanis.com/blog/GetTheManYouWant.asp
      https://patrickwanis.com/blog/getoverit_package.asp

      Remember, every relationship begins with you. Love yourself first. And listen to my podcast interview “Law of Deservedness” – it will explain why you have been stuck and how to break free. https://patrickwanis.com/blog/Law_of_Deservedness.asp

      All the very best,

      Patrick

  2. Avatar
    Kimm White says:

    It not just men that lie and cheat it is as much the fault of the women if she knows that man is in a relationship and pursues him she is as much to blame as the man himself. People just have no values anymore and don’t care who they hurt.

  3. Avatar
    Blackisbeautiful says:

    Patrick,

    you are wonderful, insightful and grounded plus it appears you work in the field of counseling. I appreciate you taking the time out to work with the ladies and have them work on themselves.

    Much props to you, Patrice!!

  4. Avatar
    Patrick says:

    Dear Janet,

    there are many points to discuss here:

    1. Are you saying that all three of you work in the same office (you, him and his ex)?
    2. How long have you all worked together?
    3. what triggers him to call you by his ex’s name? Is it an argument? Do you feel he does it to hurt you or pay you back?
    4. what was the first lie he told you? i.e. did he cheat on his ex to be with you?
    5. you say that he says he wants to marry you but has he proposed or do you feel he simply knows how to keep you interested?
    6. You cannot force him to counseling. You can issue an ultimatum which may or may not get him there, but either way, he has to want the help otherwise he will go for one or two sessions and get nothing out of it and then will say to you in the future, “we tried that and it didn’t work.” He must have an open mind and a willingness to do it, he must be ready.
    7. with regards to you Janet, who lied to you when you were a child, who in your eyes always used to get angry whenever you spoke or expressed your feelings?
    8. Please elaborate on who kept the truth from you when you were a child because this will help me to uncover your subconscious beliefs and how they are being repeated in your adult life….

    my best advice to you is to work on you first, change your deeper beliefs and you will see your world around you change. How do you feel about yourself?
    I look forward to hearing from you…all the best,
    Patrick

  5. Avatar
    janet says:

    I am currently in a relationship with a man who lies, or keeps the truth from me on a regular basis. Every 2 months or so I uncover a lie and their is a blow up. We have been going out for 4 years and also work together. He says he wants to marry me and is currently looking for a house for us. He also calls me his ex-girlfriends name every 4 months or so, whom we also work with. I have told him, we need to be in counseling, for the lying, or the ex’girlfriend’s name calling and for some communication skills. Everytime I try to talk to him about something, he overreacts angrily, yells at me, bolts out of the door and doesn’t speak to me for days. At this point, any suggestions would be invaluable. Thanks,
    Janet

  6. Avatar
    michelle says:

    i am so tired of men all ways calling wemon hoes wen they are the biggest ones but wen they get wemon its just for sex and money but when a women have men they are called hoes and in fake one person tolled me that when a man is halla its just cause thay want to have sex its like all lady’s are its just to make baby’s and 4 sex and that really sickens me a lot thats ways most times i can’t stand men they never understand wemon at all

  7. Avatar
    Patrick says:

    Dear Maricela,

    I am excited for you because you have taken responsibility for your actions. Well done. Now, don’t beat yourself up. Let go of the shame. Yes, you made a mistake. Look deep inside and ask yourself why you felt that you didn’t deserve a man that could fully love you, put you first and that was available on all levels? The first step to loving yourself is to allow yourself to feel every emotion, then begin to forgive everyone inlcuding yourself for whatever you did or didn’t do and whatever they did or didn’t do – including your parents or anyone from years ago.
    Again, i honor and praise you for your new decision. Now that you begin to love yourself you will attract others into your life who can also love you.

    -Patrick

  8. Avatar
    maricela says:

    I’m sooo ashame of myself, I just started a relationship with a marry man. Didn’t think about the other side of the situation and now after reading your article I’m feel soo bad and I start realizing all the damage I can cause, you’re so right about what women can do regarding this topic. I’m going to start loving and respecting myself and knowing that if I start a relationship it will begings with me, I will make a change.

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