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The Secret to being feminine without being controlled by men

The Secret to being feminine without being controlled by men
The Secret to being feminine without being controlled by men
The Secret to being feminine without being controlled by men

The single secret for a woman to be able to express her femininity without giving away her power or being controlled by the man

Avoiding old gender roles

This is Part 5 of 5 Parts of the transcript of Patrick Wanis PhD answering questions and sharing insights with Christelyn D. Karazin of on the topic of what it really means to be feminine. Click here for Part 4 – “The real reason a woman should be feminine”:

Okay, back to your question, “By and large, most men prefer feminine women, which can often be a challenge because it often involves the idea of submission. Many black women have not had the luxury being girly.”

Women can be feminine. They can choose to be submissive, but they must have boundaries. They must say, “No, I will not allow this to happen. No, I will not accept this.” And they must be willing to state their boundaries. Even in the context of femininity, a woman still needs to draw upon her masculine energy to say to a man, “No, you don’t treat me this way. No, you don’t do this. No, that’s overstepping the boundaries.”

Your question: “Many black women have not had the luxury of being girly like white women have, but I find that they often desire that but have no idea how to do it. Any advice for them?”

Yes, I think it really goes back to what I said right from the beginning. First, get clear about what is femininity. Come up with a clear, practical definition of femininity. That means have a clear definition of femininity that can be applied, that it’s practical. It’s not esoteric. It’s not philosophical. It’s not poetical. It’s applicable. You know how to be feminine. You know how to act feminine.

Number two, decide to be feminine for one reason alone: seek and fulfill your potential so you can be authentic to yourself, so that you can truly feel happy and satisfied with who you are. I worked with a lot of people who have addictions and even eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorders and it’s really about — it’s always the same thing. You come to the place where you feel good about who you are, and you feel good about who you are when you are being authentic to who you are; when you are in alignment with your values, with your purpose, with your temperament, with the very reason that you’re here on this earth.

So number one, come up with a clear definition of femininity. Number two, make sure that that definition is practical. Number three, decide that you’re doing it for yourself. You’re not doing it to win a man. Number four, make sure that you’re clear about your boundaries. You’re willing to be feminine but you understand your boundaries.

Therefore, you’re not looking for a man to control you. You’re not looking for a man to demean you. You’re looking for a man to honor, respect you, love you, and make you a priority, make you the princess. Well, actually better than the princess is the queen because a princess, unfortunately, has a connotation of a woman that is spoiled and entitled versus queen sounds like a woman who has power and who is not only in position of power but also understands demonstrating respect and being respected. Ok, so more tips now.

Beware that you don’t have to — in being feminine, you don’t have to fulfill old traditional gender roles whereby the woman was second. You can still be feminine and be equal to the masculine. Understand that in being feminine, you’ll attract a more masculine man. Be willing to walk away from anyone that doesn’t treat you well. And that applies to every relationship really, but I think it’s easier for one to be feminine when she says, “I’m willing to be feminine. I’m willing to place my boundaries. If a man doesn’t treat me well, I’m willing to walk away.”

I also do sincerely believe, Christelyn, that when a woman is feminine and respects herself and honors her femininity, she will naturally attract men who also honor and respect her and her femininity.

Now before I wrap up, let me add this.

I understand why many black women have moved away from their femininity in the past and that was maybe because of the way they were being treated by men. But you have to understand too that — one of the things I teach is: “we teach other people how to treat us.” In other words, if someone hits you once and then you allow them to hit you a second time, you’re telling that person “You can hit me a second time. You can keep hitting me.”

If you have a boundary, you say to someone, “Whoa! You just stepped over that boundary the way you said something or you did something or the way you didn’t do something.” You’re placing the boundary in saying, “This is how I want to be treated. This is how I will be treated. I don’t want to be treated any other way.” In the past, women were reacting because they allowed men — I’m referring specifically to black women — because they allowed black men to treat them like crap.

I mean, obviously, you can relate it any culture, in any race, in any nationality. But if you feel that the man must be angry and must treat you poorly and then you must sit there like a slave and a servant and you must receive the abuse, then you’re going to continue to be abused. And how else can you stand up to the abuser unless you engage the masculine energy?

So respect yourself, embrace your femininity, express your femininity, you’ll attract them. They will also embrace and respect that, but you will attract a better quality man by placing your boundaries.

I don’t know if that answers all of your questions other than maybe the other thing I would add is that in being feminine women — I said earlier that the feminine energy is so powerful. Men need — men don’t like to hear this and a lot of the male teachers, meaning the gurus and the teachers and trainers who teach masculinity say that men shouldn’t depend on women. I say that’s not true because we are dependent creatures, and we need relationships.

In a really well-balanced relationship, the man inspires the woman and supports the woman and vice versa. Men do need to feel needed. They need to feel appreciated. They need to know that they’re making a difference to their woman, to their relationship, to their family. Therefore, that requires saying “thank you,” saying “I’m grateful,” expressing appreciation, being demonstrative, et cetera, being affectionate which is also another aspect of femininity. But it also entails a woman being emotionally supportive to a man, to help him to realize his potential, to support him in his goals and ambitions because those goals and ambitions are going to be directly connected to giving back to the family, giving back to the woman, to the queen.

This is Patrick Wanis, Human Behavior and Relationship Expert, PhD. Thanks very much, Christelyn. Have a good day. Take care.

End of Audio

Click here for Part 1 of 5 Parts of the transcript of Patrick Wanis PhD answering questions and sharing insights with Christelyn D. Karazin of on the topic of what it really means to be feminine. Click here for Part 1 “The difference between feminine and masculine energy”:

You can listen to the entire audio here:

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