In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal 25 traits of an abuser.
First a quick update:
“Who made you who you are today?”
What career did you choose and why did you choose that particular career? Many people are not aware of the subconscious motivations for their career choice and that things that happened at an early age impacted that decision. https://patrickwanis.com/blog/who-made-you-who-you-are-today/
“Dealing With Bullying”
He is undefeated in MMA competition, holding a record of eight wins and zero losses – and yet he was bullied as a kid. Daniel Puder now leads My Life My Power World, an anti-bullying and youth development program. Watch the video.
Now, let’s talk about the profile of an abuser – 25 traits of an abuser.
Contrary to the media’s portrayal, there is no physical or social profile of a person who is an abuser – be it physical/domestic abuse, emotional, verbal or psychological abuse. In other words, blue collar and white collar people, upper class, middle or poor people can all be abusers.
There is, however, a very clear behavioral profile of an abuser.
This profile of 25 traits of an abuser applies to both men and women, for both can be abusers.
The abuser might be charming and romantic, showering praise, adoration, and attention; he/she expresses intense emotions and feelings for the victim and quickly pushes to get engaged or live together.
Beware – do not equate jealously with love. The abuser will display extreme examples of jealousy and control over who the victim talks to or hangs out with.
Controls decision making over finances, victim’s “safety” and victim’s freedom of movement and socializing.
4. Breaking Objects, Punching Walls
This is another form of control, punishment and manipulation intended to create fear in the victim.
Isolates the victim from friends and family, accuses friends and family of trying to destroy the relationship.
6. Stereotypical Roles
The abuser will push and demand that stereotypical roles are enforced i.e. the woman must be submissive, is inferior and must serve the man.
7. Explosive Temper
Flies into rages with little or no provocation.
8. Alcohol & Drug Abuse
The abuse of drugs and alcohol further drives the abusive behavior and sometimes becomes the excuse: “I was drunk…I won’t drink anymore.”
The abuser has poor self-image and despite violent outbursts and anger is extremely insecure.
10. Split Personality “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”
Sweet, kind & thoughtful one moment, angry, moody and violent the next moment.
11. Push & Pull
Drives victim away, offers to do anything to get victim back – and repeats the abusive behavior.
12. Demands Servitude & Worship
The abuser demands that the victim take care of all of his/her needs – emotional, psychological, physical and domestic chores.
The abuser plays victim and blames everyone else for his/her problems and reactions. “You make me hit you.”
The abuser blames others for his/her feelings: “You’re hurting me by not doing what I want.”
15. Violent Conflict Resolution
The abuser believes that the only way to resolve conflict is through violence, force and control. He often clearly states, “Women want to be dominated and controlled.”
16. Uses Force
When there is an argument, force will be used, even if it is not serious physical violence.
Beyond overreaction, the abuser takes everything personally and is easily insulted.
18. Animal & Child Cruelty
The way a person treats children and pets directly reflects the extreme level of his/her abusive behavior in general and the inability to express compassion or empathy – sociopath/psychopath. Beware of cruelty to pets or harsh punishments when children cannot perform to his/her expectations. For example, one mother was yelling at her daughter to stand up and reach a shirt with a broken arm; another man beat his 4-year old son for wetting the bed.
19. Forceful & Submissive Sex
The abuser demands sex regardless of the victim’s wishes or desires – even if the victim is ill. The sex is primarily submissive and may involve acts that restrain or make the victim helpless.
20. Verbal abuse
Judging, criticizing, condemning, humiliating or degrading the victim with cruel words.
21. Verbal Threats & Threats of Violence
“I’ll slap your face…I’ll kill you…I’ll break your neck…I’ll kill the children…etc.”
22. Manipulation & control via criticism
The abuser constantly destroys the victim’s self-esteem and self-image with criticism – “You are fat, ugly, stupid…no one else would want you. You should be thankful that I am with you…”
23. History of Battering
Has hit people in past relationships and, blames them for the violence.
24. Denial of Severity
The abuser either denies that the physical violence occurred or states that it was not that serious or severe, and that the victim is overreacting.
25. Violent Love
The abuser justifies hitting and abusing the victim by saying “It’s because I love you and because I care and am so passionate that I act this way.” Violence is never an act of love.
Summary & Conclusion
An abuser might not fit the full profile stated above – he/she might not possess all 25 traits of an abuser listed above. However, possessing or demonstrating the majority of those traits or even just one trait (hitting) is enough to warrant getting help and exiting the relationship.
It is also critical to note that you, the victim, did not cause or create the abuse. Of course, the abuser will do all he/she can to convince you that you are to blame. However, the abuser will beat, hit or abuse any partner eventually and, he/she was abusive before you came along and after you leave.
Finally, the longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the greater the damage and harm that will be done to you, and, if you have children and you stay in an abusive relationship, you are teaching them that violence and abuse are acceptable in relationships and they will repeat the pattern – either as an abuser or as a victim.
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.