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Stopping the Victim Game

Stopping the Victim Game
Stopping the Victim Game
Stopping the Victim Game!

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to answer the overwhelming response and requests for more insights into my last newsletter about victims.

First, I invite you to view new radio interviews, photos and TV appearances on my website just posted.

One of the key points of my last newsletter is that to be successful and happy, you must take responsibility for who you are, your actions and your choices. Let me use an example. For the first time in her life, Anna was in a wonderful relationship whereby she said had never before been treated so well by a man. Her boyfriend loved, encouraged and supported her physically, mentally and emotionally, expressing patience, kindness, compassion and devotion. But the better her boyfriend treated her, the worse Anna treated him. She would take out her emotions on him, act cruelly and blame him for her behavior. “It’s your fault that I treat you like crap, because you let me,” Anna told him. “But I have pointed out to you so many times how you are hurting me and treating me badly, so why is it my fault?” her boyfriend responded. Unfortunately, Anna was playing the victim, refusing to admit that her choices to treat her boyfriend badly had nothing to do with him and everything to do with her. It is true that we do influence each other in relationships but that does not excuse nor justify our behavior or responses. Playing the victim and blaming someone else for how we act is a way of avoiding responsibility for who we are. It is also a way of saying that we are helpless and have no control over our lives, our behavior or the choices we make. This is false. We do have control over our choices. Personal power is found in the ability to choose in each moment.

So how do we stop playing the victim and reclaim our power so we can get what we want and be happy?

Step 1: Become aware of your actions.

Step 2: Stop blaming others for your actions & choices and begin to take responsibility for your actions and choices: “I acted this way and I am now going to act differently from this moment onwards.”

Step 3: Explore why you have been acting this way so that you can clear the obstacles and make new healthy and empowering choices.

In Anna’s case the subconscious reasons she acted this way included her belief that she didn’t deserve to be treated well; her fear of rejection (so she rejected her boyfriend first); her belief that she isn’t special and therefore her love isn’t special, and; her desire to keep playing the victim by creating arguments, sabotaging the relationship and thus remaining angry at men. In other words, Anna wanted to stay where she was -angry and not accept that she has the power to choose and act differently. Anna was not willing to change or explore why she was acting this way and why she didn’t believe she deserved the best. She was more interested in blaming someone else for who she was choosing to be rather than take control of her own actions. Anna couldn’t love and respect her boyfriend because she didn’t love and respect herself.

Now, if to be happy and successful you must take responsibility for who you are, your actions and your choices, then what about Anna’s boyfriend?  Yes, he had to take responsibility for accepting the poor treatment by his girlfriend for as long as he did. In other words, when it became obvious that Anna was not willing to change or accept responsibility for her life, and that she was not willing to love and respect herself or him, then it was up to him to sufficiently love and respect himself, stop playing the victim to her actions and choose to walk away from a destructive relationship.

But what about unconditional love?

Should Anna’s boyfriend love Anna regardless of how she treats him? Unconditional love involves expressing compassion, understanding and forgiveness but it does not justify one person abusing the other. Loving a person does not mean staying with them while they choose to continue to be abusive and unwilling to change. You must first love and respect yourself even if that means exiting the relationship.

As I always say, “Every relationship begins with you, and you will never let another person love you more than you love yourself!” In my audio book, “Get the man you want!”,  I share specific exercises to help build self-esteem and increase self-love and respect.  In my next newsletter, I will talk about why playing the tune of “survivor and struggler” also prevents our success and happiness.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist

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