In this Success Newsletter, I would like to talk about victims.
First, I invite you to view new TV appearances on my website including “Find love fast” in which I offer powerful advice and strategies.
Now, let’s talk about victims.
Children are helpless – emotionally, mentally and physically. Children are fully dependent on adults to feed, protect, nurture and nourish them. It is easy for a parent to knowingly or unknowingly hurt, condemn, criticize or abuse its child. In that case, children are truly victims because they are helpless and powerless. When we become adults though we can no longer play the victim role or use the excuse that we are helpless and powerless over our lives and what occurs in it.
Let me use an example.
Sally was in an abusive relationship. It was destroying her mentally, emotionally and physically. It was also destroying Sally’s true essence, her soul. Sally had been abused as a child. Most of the abuse came in the form of verbal and mental abuse. Accordingly, she believed that was all she deserved – to be abused, criticized and condemned. Every relationship she ever entered resulted in the same pattern of abuse.
Sally would allow herself to be abused again and again. I use the word “allow” for a reason – as I will explain shortly. Sally would cry to her friends, “I have so much love to give. I am such a loving person. Why can’t I find someone to love me and be nice to me?” In turn, Sally’s friends would express deep sympathy, pity and remorse for her. They would give her lots of time and attention. They would also take her out for lunch and sometimes buy her small gifts to try and make her feel better. The resultant attention Sally was getting is known as Secondary Gain. Of course, Sally didn’t like being abused but it also allowed her to receive what she thought was positive attention from her friends and family.
Sally didn’t realize that unconsciously she was setting up people and events so that she could fulfill her victim role in life.
It is true that when Sally was just a child, she was helpless. She couldn’t stop her parents from verbally and mentally abusing her. But Sally was no longer a child. She was not helpless. Sally could stop her partner from verbally and mentally abusing her. Sally had choice and choice is power. Sally could walk out of the relationship. And she did eventually, but what kept her there for so long? Sally didn’t know she was playing the victim and she didn’t sufficiently love and respect herself to walk out. Sally was also receiving attention and sympathy from her friends, and she wanted to stay angry at the world, choosing to be right rather than happy. Finally, Sally was acting out of fear. She was playing the victim role so that she would not take responsibility for herself or her life. I said earlier that “Sally would allow herself to be abused again and again.” When Sally was five she couldn’t stop the abuse. Sally was now 35. She could stop it. Sally had been allowing it to happen.
As Sally and I worked together to release the pain, suffering, hurt, guilt, blame and shame from the initial events, Sally felt free and alive again. I also helped Sally to realize that true love is not attention from people who feel sorry and pity you. True love begins when you love and care about yourself. No one can love you more than you love yourself. We teach others how to treat us by what we allow them to do and how we treat ourselves. The more you love yourself, the more you can love others and the more others will love you. When you feel great about who you are, when you have compassion for your mistakes and shortcomings, and when self-love inspires and drives your daily thoughts and actions, you become an irresistible magnet that attracts love and joy.
Sally eventually set herself free and she allowed herself to be loved! She stepped out of her comfort zone, regained her personal power and entered into a healthy fulfilling relationship where she was praised, appreciated and acknowledged for who she truly is. It can be difficult initially to see how playing the victim, struggler or survivor only worsens our life and attracts even more bad things and events into our life and so, in the next newsletter, I will talk more about why we play the victim, how to stop doing and reclaim your power so we can get what we want and be happy. And yes, we all need to continually work on loving ourselves. If you would like more assistance doing this, I humbly suggest you use my hypnosis CD –“Feel Good About Yourself!” and also listen and read my audio and Ebook, “How to Get Over it – breakups, betrayals and rejection.”I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.