The art of flirting

The art of flirting

The art of flirting

The following is a transcript of Sue McGarvie, host of Ottawa’s EZ Rock 99.7 “Love & Lipstick” interviewing Celebrity Life Coach and Human Behavior & Relationship Expert, Patrick Wanis Ph.D. about the art of flirting – from the male perspective

Sue McGarvie: Hey, this is Sue on Love and Lipstick, and we are joined right now by Dr. Patrick Wanis Ph.D. who is joining us from California. He is a human behavior and relationship expert and he’s talking to us about flirting tonight. Patrick, how are you?

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.: I’m doing great. Thank you, Sue.

Sue McGarvie: All right. You have this interesting insight as to – from a male perspective what women need to do in order to catch your eye?

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.: Yeah, often what we hear about flirting is always from the girls’ perspective, “Oh, this is what you should do.” But coming from a male perspective, then, I’m standing on the other side and saying, “Here’s what I really want. Here’s what I really need. Here’s what I would like.”

Sue McGarvie: Okay. Well, I’ve just watched The Ugly Truth. They’re saying that all men are sort of Neanderthals. They’re all really looking for sort of what we look like in that hourglass figure and it really isn’t about engaging. But if you’re looking at how to meet somebody initially, how do you want to be approached?

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.: Yes. You said something really interesting, Sue. You talked about the Neanderthal, and I think there are two layers to every man. There’s the Neanderthal and then there’s hopefully the evolved brain, but there is actually three parts to our brain. So yes, the thing that gets our attention is the physicality or something that’s really in our face. So men are not about being subtle. They really want you or I should say we really want you to get our attention.

Now, you can get our attention by the physicality in terms of what you’re wearing or how you look and what body shape you have, but you can also get our attention by really doing something that’s going to – I don’t want to use the word “startle” but something that’s a little out of the usual, that’s going to be a little bit different. Now, what I mean by that is it’s very, very old but we talked about winking.

Now, I’m not saying that a girl should wink at a guy but making eye contact is what really gets a guy going. Now, if a girl makes eye contact with a guy and then sort of looks down, gets him intrigued and that’s much stronger and more impactful than say trying to get someone to go up to the guy and say, “Oh, my friend is interested in you.” That doesn’t work. It’s better if a girl is actually making a direct contact with the guy.

Sue McGarvie: Okay. So this works in not just in bars but in bookstores, in coffee shops, I would say, in the wine tasting classes that we take around here. They are really big. Do you suggest those for all of that?

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.: All of the places are applicable with the exception, of course, of the church which you can do after the church, but not while you’re in service, while in church, synagogue, et cetera. But my point is what you want to do is let the man know that there’s some interest on your part in him, then you sort of turn away so that he comes chasing after you.

Now, when I say turn away, that’s a symbolic phrase. It means you don’t initially have to physically turn away. You are simply doing something that says, “Okay, I’ve let you know I’m interested. Now, I want you to come after me” because the man does want to do that. I don’t want to appear to be completely stereotypical or gender prejudice, but it is true that guys do like to hunt. If the guy is only interested in getting something out of you physically and sexually, then yeah he doesn’t care who’s hunting. But for a relationship, it’s a completely different story.

So for the relationship, if you want something more like a couple of dates or a relationship, then you do want the man to come hunting after you. You do want him to chase and he likes that because here’s another thing about flirting: men like a challenge. So it’s similar to that old phrase from the old movies of “throwing down the gauntlet.”

So you’ve started the interaction. You’ve flirted, you’ve winked, or you’ve done something that says – and again, I don’t want to say that specifically wink but you’ve done something that says, “I’m interested in you” or “Wow! I like you” or “Hey, wouldn’t you like to be with me?” They’re the messages you’re sending and once you’ve done that, then you have to sort of go a little bit the opposite of what you’ve just done and let him come after you.

Sue McGarvie: Right. What about the slutty clothes? What about the really provocative clothes? Do you think that that’s something that will cause the attention or do you think it backfires?

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.: Well, it definitely gets you the attention. It all depends on what kind of attention do you want. When we talk about flirting we have to remember too what is flirting. Flirting is different to simply trying to pick someone up. Flirting can be completely harmless and it doesn’t have to necessarily lead to anything else. The concept of flirting is very light, soft, gentle, harmless innuendoes. It’s familiarity, like we know each other, we’ve connected, and it’s also very humorous. I don’t mean, like a comedian but it has a sense of comedy to it, a sense of lightness, a sense of humor.

So if I made a joke and I say, “Oh, sure, I’ve known you for so long. Do you remember that time when we were in the Caribbean and you got so mad at me and pushed me off the boat and then I almost drowned?” and then I smile. Now, right there I’m creating some sort of story and you’re like, “Well, I just met this guy.” But I’m creating the flirting as if we’ve known each other forever; if I’m making some sort of joke like, “Do you remember the first time we met like five years ago?” And you’re thinking, “When did I meet you?” And then I create some sort of story.

Well, then I’m flirting with you. I may not be saying anything sexual, but I might be just saying flirting like, “Remember that time when I first proposed and you turned me down and then I proposed another three times and here I am still waiting?” And you’re hopefully laughing because you’ve just met me.

Sue McGarvie: Agreed.

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.: So flirting isn’t always about leading directly to sex. If you want to go flirting to hyperdrive, then yeah, wear a really short skirt; wear something provocative; wear something revealing; wear something that really accentuates your shape. But remember that message to the guy is more about instant sex than it is about the chase. Part of the fun of flirting is the chase.

Sue McGarvie: Okay. So Patrick, if people are interested in finding out more about what you think about, tell me your website.

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.: PatrickWanis.com.

Sue McGarvie: Okay. Spell it for me. W-A-N-I-S, right?

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.: Correct.

Sue McGarvie: All right. Dr. Patrick Wanis Ph.D. is a human behavior expert, and thank you so much for taking the time to talk to us about a male perspective on flirting. We always like that.

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.: You’re welcome. My pleasure, Sue.

Sue McGarvie: All right. Take care, Patrick.

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