In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to present the third in my series of lifestyle success principles for New Year’s resolutions and goals: The biggest mistake men make.
First a quick update:
“Getting rid of emotional baggage”
Read the article for MSN and Match.com where I answer five key questions about how to get over it, to get over an ex.
I receive many emails with specific questions and time prevents me from answering all of them. I kindly request that you post your questions on my blog so that when I do answer them it can also assist other readers seeking answers to the same question.
Now, let’s talk about more success strategies for the New Year.
In the first of this series, I explained that the extremes are dangerous and it is balance in life (equilibrium) that leads to inner peace; balance in all areas of our lives: mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. In my second letter of this series, I revealed the significance and power of validating yourself. When you recognize your own talents, gifts, abilities, hard work, contributions, self-worth, etc, then you no longer desperately keep seeking it from others. And in keeping with the theme of balance, I also suggested that we all be aware of our own actions to ensure we are validating other people in our lives.
Now, I would like to explain the connection between balance and the biggest mistake men make.
I have various male clients who have built highly successful careers and have become excellent providers for their family. However, they have turned to me because their marriage is falling apart or drying up.
Stephen has been married twelve years with three children. He has built up a successful company and his wife and children seemingly have all they need – a house, good education and sufficient funds to provide for their needs, recreation and hobbies. In fact, the house is fully paid for and he feels confident with strong savings at a time when others are suffering in a tough economy.
So what could the problem be?
Stephen’s complaint is that sex and the physical connection between him and his wife is almost dead or non-existent. He says he still is attracted to her physically but she is never in the mood. Stephen says there is little love or romance; his wife has no interest in spending that much time with him or expressing intimacy. Stephen summed it up as, “I feel like we are just roommates.”
Interestingly, Stephen’s case is not isolated. Various clients of mine have related to me similar stories. Obviously, it makes good sense to ask about the wife’s outlook and experiences to help determine why she has lost physical interest or why the love and passion is gone. Maybe she doesn’t feel good about herself, has a poor body image or was abused as a child, is depressed or overwhelmed by life, and so forth.
However, with further exploration, I was able to ascertain that Stephen fully devoted the first ten years to his career and had little time for his wife and children. He worked long hours, coming home late at night and often seven days a week. At the very least, he was lucky to have a Sunday available to spend with his family.
In other words, for Stephen and most men, he felt his role was to provide for the family and allow his wife to be the mother and housewife. There is nothing wrong with that if both partners agree. No, the real problem was that Stephen thought his expression of love for his wife and children would come in the form of providing for them financially. In doing so, Stephen forgot what his wife and kids really needed and unknowingly, his wife was no longer the priority.
In my audio book, “Get the man you want”, I reveal the top ten myths men have about women:
The first is:
All a woman needs to be happy is financial security
False: She needs emotional security first above all else. She can make her own money.
The second myth is:
Once we are married all I need to do is provide for her financially.
False: You must provide her with love, encouragement, emotional and moral support, emotional growth
Thus the greatest mistake men make is that they believe that all they have to offer a woman is their ability to provide, and that their greatest expression of love is security and stability. Thus, the priority shifts from the love, passion and romance in the relationship to simply financial security.
Again, the point here ties back to the theme of balance. Every healthy relationship involves the four realms: mental, emotional, physical and spiritual connections. Although a woman may speak of the significance of security, she may not be consciously aware until years later, the effect of neglecting the other aspects of a relationship. When a man neglects his wife or partner physically, mentally and emotionally, the result is that the love dies. The woman learns to live without him, without his emotional support, without the romantic connection. Often, she turns to her children for the emotional connection, for bonding & companionship and sometimes even for hugs, embraces and affection. Eventually, she shuts downs and her subconscious resentment for feeling neglected turns to apathy and indifference towards the husband or partner.
Accordingly, whether we men like it or not, to maintain a healthy happy relationship, the woman must still be the priority. Yes, be the great father and provider but remember that she chose a partner not just a provider and she wants to feel special, the only one, treasured and prized, experiencing passion, romance and love.
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.