In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the single most important ingredient for success – the real secret to success and happiness – the one factor that determines your level of success, how much you enjoy it and how long you hold onto it.
First a quick update:
“Are women politicians faithful or discreet?”
Read the article and interview I gave to the St. Petersburg Times about female fidelity in the political arena, click here.
“Reality Shows lead to divorce”
As TV reality shows continue to dominate the television landscape, the concern arises that the reality TV sends the message to young people that unless you are on TV you are not special. But is the allure to be on television driven only by the desire to be famous? And what are the consequences of having your life be completely exposed? For almost every married couple, the result is divorce. Why? How? Listen to the interview I give to Debbie Monterrey and Doug McElvein, hosts of Total Information AM show on KMOX NewRadio 1120. I also issue a word of caution about the effect that social media such as Facebook, MySpace and Twitter, can have on a person’s life, and mental & emotional health. To listen to the interview visit Reality Shows lead to divorce
Famous Bachata band, Xtreme, are on the verge of their biggest breakthrough, but they face a huge challenge – they are always late. Their manager Ben brought me in to help Xtreme from destroying their career and success. On their reality TV show, I reveal the truth about Xtreme – Dany D and Steve Styles. Can they handle the truth?
Now, let’s talk about the most critical component of success.
Recently, a highly successful yet unhappy man, Ray, approached me for my help and guidance. As we sat in his large office overlooking the waters of southern California, Ray proceeded to tell me his story. From very humble beginnings in the Bronx, Ray had come a long way as now part owner of a large magazine and media company. He had all the outer appearances of success and a good life: a successful business, a loving, beautiful wife, gorgeous children, a mansion on the water and the freedom to create his own schedule. So what could possibly be troubling this man?
As he sat there opposite of me, Ray was constantly edgy, almost anxious and unable to focus and relax. Ray told me that he has ADD, has had gambling and drug addictions in the past and simply isn’t satisfied with his life. In fact, he told me stories of past businesses that were ten and twenty times more successful than his present one. And yet each time, something would happen and Ray would get tossed out of the business even though he was a partner. Ray complained that he wasn’t as successful as he could be or as he once was.
As if I were stating the obvious, I asked him, “You see the pattern, right? You keep sabotaging every great venture and achievement you have. I am surprised you haven’t done that to this business yet.”
“You are right. There is a pattern.”
Without the blink of an eye, I felt it and I said, “You don’t believe you deserve your success, do you?” Yes, I could sense it.
He said, “Again you are right, and I don’t know why; I just don’t feel I deserve success – even when I have worked so hard for it.”
“That’s why you have all of these addictions, Ray. That’s why you can’t focus or relax. You don’t feel good enough or worthy of your success. And if you don’t act now to change your subconscious beliefs, you will continue to destroy everything you have including your family and marriage.”
I explained to Ray the power of what I call The Law of Deservedness – you get only what you subconsciously believe you deserve – and if you get more, you sabotage it or push it away. That was definitely true for Ray. And although, he was shocked, he was relieved that he had insight into his situation and challenges.
Of course, that same law or principle applies to all of us in every area – including relationships. Some women will sabotage relationships in which they are being treated well, others will keep being attracted to men who treat them poorly, others will put up walls around them to keep men away because they fear being hurt and don’t think they deserve a good partner.
So the question remains, how did we get to be this way? How did Ray conclude that he isn’t worthy of his success? Did he cheat, lie or steal? No.
All of our beliefs about ourselves, our self-worth and the world around us were formed in the first eight years of life. Our experiences and what we saw and heard as children determined our subconscious beliefs and thus our feelings and behavior.
For example, if you saw your parents struggle, then there is a good chance that you too, today, find yourself struggling in life. If your parents didn’t have much time for you, then maybe too, today you find yourself often feeling alone or as if no one cares; maybe you even find yourself battling to get attention. If your father wasn’t around (he worked late, traveled or simply wasn’t physically present) then there is a good chance that you find it hard to trust your partner, fearing he or she might betray or cheat on you.
So, when I refer to what I have termed as the Law of Deservedness, I am not referring to some airy fairy concept; I am simply saying that if you didn’t feel good enough as a child you won’t feel good enough as an adult no matter what you accumulate or what you achieve in life – unless of course, you change your subconscious beliefs around your self-worth. And we always tend to create our world and attract to us the people, circumstances and events that reflect our deepest beliefs. Have you ever met someone who always seems to attract people who treat him/her poorly or someone who always seems to have accidents? Have you noticed how you behave differently around certain people? With some, you speak timidly, others you speak harshly; some you fear; some you admire? That result is the combination of your subconscious beliefs and their subconscious beliefs – the way you feel around them and the way they inspire you to behave.
If you doubt yourself, your value and self-worth, then even if you achieve success, you most likely won’t enjoy it or hold onto it, just as exemplified by Ray’s story above. And in a radio interview with CNN, I revealed that most successful celebrities – singers, actors, and so forth, often don’t feel worthy of their success and fame and thus, they turn to drugs.
Now while it is a huge step forward to be able to identify why you feel this way and why your life is the way it is, the next step is to change what you feel and believe so that you can change your results. So, tomorrow, please check your email, as I will be offering you something special to transform the way you feel about yourself and your self-worth.
Also read my Success Newsletter: “Are you good enough?”.
If you would like to comment on this newsletter, click here. If you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page.
I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.