What Makes A Woman Beautiful or Ugly?

What Makes A Woman Beautiful or Ugly?

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss a controversial topic: What makes a woman beautiful or ugly?

First a quick update:

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“Empowering your team”
Following a short break to create new products, I am back in the foray of public speaking and offering some new programs for corporations including a new custom program for stress and the challenges of today. For details, bookings, and to watch sample video, click here.

Now, let’s talk about what makes a woman beautiful or ugly.

Statistics reveal that in 2007, in the US, plastic surgery for women rose by 8 % while in 2008, due to the economy, it dropped by nine percent and worldwide women had almost 3 million injections of Botox.

In an interview I gave to XM radio about Miley Cyrus’ controversial photo shoot with racy photos at age just 15, I revealed that as a society we have an obsession with young girls which in turn perpetuates the diseased message that we should only value youth, beauty and glamour. (To listen to the radio interview, visit here).

America’s obsession with youth in general is led and spread by Hollywood’s vanity-disorder: Kim Cattral, Janice Dickinson, Vanessa Williams, Lisa Rinna, Lori Loughlin, Jenny McCarthy and Sharon Osbourne are just a few celebrities who openly admit using Botox. The message via these women, movies, advertising, media and Hollywood is that a woman’s beauty is skin-deep; her only value and self-worth is her external beauty.

Thus, we have become obsessed with physical perfection and we have come to conclude that all we are and all we have to offer is our physical body -our looks, shape and sex appeal. While this is a challenge that faces both males and females, women are suffering the most. Women have fallen prey to society’s expectations of what they are “supposed” to look like. The result is emotional distress, depression, low self-esteem and obsession.

Ultimately, too many women now believe that the only thing that makes them beautiful is their outer body and we have lost sight of a woman’s real beauty – her inner beauty. The term for “Narcissism” comes from Greek mythology where Narcissus, the most handsome and beautiful man in existence who was extremely vain, wanted nothing to do with falling in love with anyone and rebuffed all attempts at romance. Eventually a goddess cursed him for the way he used and hurt women by making him fall in love with his reflection on the water. Thus, he could never be satisfied for he would always be obsessed with something beautiful but intangible, empty and two-dimensional.

But what is beauty and what is ugliness?

In Texas, there is an interesting response when someone says something that is offensive, rude or inappropriate: “That’s ugly.” In other words, what we say and what we do and how we behave can determine and define whether or not we are beautiful or ugly.

So what is inner beauty and is it limited to just women?

Inner beauty can be summed up as everything appealing that is intangible: temperament, character, personality, humor, wit, intelligence, morality, values, qualities of compassion, kindness, love, sensitivity, vulnerability, patience, warmth, affection, forgiveness, acceptance, confidence, determination, discipline, nurturing, femininity, spirituality, integrity, etc.

Obviously then, inner beauty also applies to men with qualities such as assertiveness, confidence, energy, incisiveness, determination, strength of mind and body, stamina, nobility, self sacrifice, leadership and/or whatever qualities you choose to value.

Of course, women will respond with, “But men judge us on our physical appearance.”

Yes, but not as much as women judge themselves. It is also true based on research of the male and female brains, that men are primarily stimulated visually while women are primarily stimulated auditorily. However, a woman’s physical appearance will get a man’s initial attention but it takes much more to get his love, commitment and dedication. In my book, “What a Woman Wants”, I also smash the myth that men only seek physical beauty when I reveal that there are primarily four things that a man wants in a relationship with a woman: The number one thing they want is for their woman to look good, to take care of herself which, is a sign of good health and self-respect. Second, men want their woman to pay attention and do things with him.

I always promote and teach the seeking of balance in every area of one’s life. And if we understand that life is lived in four realms: physical (tangible), mental, emotional and spiritual, then it serves us best and leads to happiness and fulfillment to strive to create beauty in all four areas.

The lesson here is to love your body, respect it and treat it well while not falling into the trap that your only worth is measured by what kind of body you have, the size of your chest, or how few wrinkles you have. If you believe that all you are is your body, then you will attract people who judge your worth on your body, and love you only for your body which will always leave you feeling empty, frustrated, distrusting and never satisfied.

Maybe the best way to sum anyone’s beauty is to ask yourself,
“How do I feel when I am with or around this person?” If the answer is that you feel special, significant and beautiful, then you can know that you are with someone that is truly beautiful regardless of their age, gender or looks! Remember, a child never notices the wrinkles or size of his grandma or grandpa…

If you would like to comment on this newsletter, click here. If you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist

Facebook Comments
8 replies
  1. Avatar
    Jennifer says:

    I believe most marriages fail because it is based on physical attraction. Once the couple find out that they are worlds apart as far as companionship the lust flame burns out.

  2. Avatar
    Rebecca says:

    My husband and I are both well educated. He is an attractive man with a high status, high paying job. Women always ask him why he is married to me because I am not “attractive enough”. Now, he is extremely dissatisfied with me (maybe he always has been but never voiced it). He had “a relationship” with an “outwardly” beautiful lady. His colleagues actually coerce him that she is the type he should be with considering what he “has to offer”. I am considering moving out. We have a 13 year old son. My husband says that he loves me, but other woman get his attention because they are attractive.

    • Avatar
      Patrick Wanis says:

      Dear Rebecca,

      this is very strange – you are saying that your husband openly tells you that he doesn’t think you are “attractive enough”?
      How does he say this – verbally and/or by giving other women attention over you?

      Two simple points:
      He has not evolved, regardless of his education, he is still stuck in ego and vanity. A “high status, high paying job” leads him to think that he is superior – this is his ego and delusions of grandeur. Men in power often cheat unless they are evolved and have self-discipline and awareness.

      Second, is there some sort of other problem in your marriage where he is angry or resentful towards you and he is trying to hurt you by saying these things?
      Is there something else he wants from you that he feels you are withholding?

      Finally, do you feel ugly and unattractive? If so, why? Have you stopped giving yourself and your body love, attention and care? (Men like their partner to look good. ) Or is there something else happening which has lowered your self-esteem?

      All the best,

  3. Avatar
    Leah says:

    I found this article while I was looking up some statistics and was curious as to its contents. As I read it, I found that I agreed with the sentiments. I was raised in a family where true beauty was based on the heart and soul. Naturally, I have tried to keep that philosophy strong as I start a family. When I first started dating my husband, I was immediately attracted to him but not for his looks. While I found him very good looking, I liked the way he made me laugh and felt like I mattered. To me that was the most important thing. As a young woman, I know how hard it is to look past the outside features. Everything in our society keeps women wishing they were different in someway and men looking for nothing more than just a physical attraction. It isn’t right of anyone to look just for outer beauty, and women should not blame just the men. Women spend a lot of money on surgeries, medicines and make-up to make them self look better. If we really wanted men to like us for us, we would not try so hard to change ourselves. Now, I’m not saying that we should let our obesity problems keep growing. We should all take care of our bodies. Not to look good, but to keep yourself healthy. Women need to respect themselves and men need to respect women for their ideas and not their looks.

  4. Avatar
    PJ Mohn says:

    ‘Ultimately, too many women now believe that the only thing that makes them beautiful is their outer body and we have lost sight of a woman’s real beauty – her inner beauty. Patrick, The problem is NOT that WOMEN believe this, it is that MEN believe it. And the men i Have found that value a woman for her inner beauty already have wives, but they are still sniffing around! I agree with the other commentor, I am better off single.

    • Avatar
      Patrick says:

      Dear PJ,

      yes, I agree that too many men also believe that a woman’s beauty is external but as I said in my newsletter, I think that society as a whole has adopted this belief intiated by men and perpetuated by both men and women. Remember, it is the women who agree to wear the fashion designed by men for the pleasure of men, and it is women who buy, dance and sing along to the hip-hop songs that promote them as whores and objects of desire and pleasure for men. It is also women who have the plastic surgey and botox. I am saying that we all need to respond and change our beliefs and values, and, women need to stop being told what to wear and how to look.

      Having said all of that, please don’t allow bitterness to overtake you as that will harm your enjoyment of life.
      All the best,

  5. Avatar
    Cher says:

    During the span of my life, I was very intrigued with self identity, human nature, and of course love. As I grew, I learned more and more the value of love and life. I also learned the interworkings of a mans mind. Guess what? I am better off single! I have been more happy than I have ever been. So, ladies don’t fool yourself into thinking you need a man. You won’t find love anyway. You won’t find happiness. You won’t be accepted for who you are. You will only find a real life soap opera. The best realtionship is your own fanasy of one. The value of love and life only comes from yourself and how well you live. How well you love and how much. Meaning love yourself and the world God gave you.

    You know I had to say it Patrick. I am not a fool. I see it for what it really is and I refuse to play the game. Love shouldn’t be a game anyway but that is exactly what it is. What a waste.

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