What You Really Need

What You Really Need

First a quick update:

“Emotional freedom guarantees success:”
Many people have been asking for help, saying that they long to break away from the daily grind and start living a life full of abundance. The real breakthrough comes from emotional freedom and I have just finished creating a complete turnkey solution that allows anyone to create a complete “life makeover.” If you are ready to “unlearn” all of the negative programming and change the way you feel, then this is for you. I am offering this to only 100 of my subscribers and now there are only 22 left, so hurry.

“Teens burn boy – psychopaths & violent behavior”
5 teens were charged in the burning of 15-year-old boy. Michael Brewer was burned on 80% of his body after assailants doused him with rubbing alcohol and lit him on fire. The youngest boy was just 13 years of age. Why did these teens commit this crime? Are they sociopathic? What causes violent behavior in teens? Should they be charged as adults? Read the transcript of the radio interview I gave to Russ Morley WFTL 850.

Now, let’s talk about what you really need.

In the 1980s, Australian rock band, INXS, had a big hit with a song “What you need”:

Don’t you get sad and lonely
You need a change from what you do all day
Ain’t no sense in all your crying
Just pick it up and throw it into shape, ooh yeah

That’s why
You need
Ooh that’s why,
This is what you need, I’ll give you what you need

Of course, INXS was referring to love, romantic love, fun and escape. And as I reveal in my book, “Soul Mates”, love is one of our primary needs: 

“In his book The Science of Love, Anthony Walsh defines love as “that which satisfies our need to receive and bestow affection and nurturing; to give and be given assurances of value, respect, acceptance and appreciation; and to feel secure in our unity with, and belonging to, a particular, family.”

He identifies three types of love – parental, social and romantic – and says that maternal love (or similar) is a prerequisite for survival.

Anthony cites studies involving children who suffered love deprivation and lack of physical contact. The results indicate that they were vulnerable to a host of diseases, that their intelligence was lower and that their rates of criminal behavior and mental illness were higher.

An impressive example of the power of love comes from the study of dwarfism as observed in the children of alcoholic and abusive parents. Anthony demonstrated with research that these children began to grow normally when placed in more loving environments.”

So, what are our other needs beyond love?

We need air to breathe, water, food and sleep; without them, we die. These are our minimum physical needs (excluding touch and affection), but our emotional needs are much more complex.

In last week’s Success Newsletter on conquering depression, I mentioned “Human Givens Psychotherapy”. Under Human Givens theory, it is suggested that we have emotional needs that must be met by the environment to prevent mental distress. And these include:

* Security – safe territory and an environment which allows for maturity and development

* Attention (to give and receive it)

* Sense of autonomy and control – having volition to make responsible choices

* Emotional connection with others

* Feeling part of a wider community

* Friendship and intimacy with someone who completely accepts al of us, warts and all

* Privacy – the opportunity to reflect and consolidate experience

* Sense of status within social groupings

* Sense of competence and achievement

* Meaning and purpose (a spiritual need  – service to others)

When these needs are not met, we find mental and emotional imbalance in our lives leading to depression, unhappiness, disease and illness set in.

If you look at the above list, which needs are not being met in your life, and what action can you take to meet those needs? If you are a parent, are you ensuring that your child has these needs met? Even children can be taught, from a young age, about meaning and purpose – to serve others, to give, share when appropriate and extend compassion and caring.

One of the greatest causes of unhappiness, confusion and mental illness in our society today is the result of people confuse needs for desires. This past week, two examples of this became obvious.

In Florida, five teens doused rubbing alcohol on another teen and set him on fire. In various media interviews, I posed the question of the parents’ roles in the lives of these children:

“Where are the parents here? In most cases like these, the father is often not involved in the children’s lives. He’s not around; he doesn’t know what they are doing; he doesn’t have a good healthy relationship with them; he’s not teaching them manhood or morality. And in turn, children who are not getting the appropriate love, time and attention from their parents often suffer from deep-seated anger, deep-seated rage that then gets expressed onto other people…the challenge we have is that fathers are not playing the role of fathers.  They’re not teaching their kids about right and wrong. They’re not teaching them how to get in touch with their own anger or how to get in touch with their maturation and evolution.  And then we have the dangerous problem in society that both parents are often too busy with their own lives and too busy getting caught up in the pursuit of materialism, wanting bigger cars, bigger houses, you know, more, more  more, trying to hold down two or three jobs. Thus, they’re not even connecting with their children, so they have no relationship with their kids and are not giving their children what they really need. That’s why you see so much violence and so much anger in kids at such a young age throughout the entire country.”

At the same time, a study involving 500 Latino American children by Dr. Luis Zayas, a psychologist at Washington University, reveals that Latino teens have a high rate of depression and attempted suicides. In one example, Dr. Zayas cites the case of a Francisca Abreu a Dominican girl whose mother Isabel migrated to the US leaving Francisca behind. Francisca was 3 at the time, and she was devastated.

“I used to tell her, you always say you’re going to come but you never do. You always say you’re going to call but you never do,” Francisca says. “I used to be very depressed because I thought she wasn’t going to come.”

Four years later, Isabel returned to the Dominican Republic to get Francisca and her brothers to bring them back with her to the United States. But Francisca says life with her mother in the Bronx wasn’t what she thought it would be. Her mother worked three jobs, and Francisca barely saw her.

The point here is that while a parent’s intentions might be sincere, even making personal sacrifices to create a better life for the child – many parents forget about what the child really needs – love, attention, connection, guidance, affection, bonding, etc.

And those needs apply to all of us, regardless of age. Many female clients of mine complain that their husband has abandoned them emotionally by placing all of their energy and attention on work and meeting the bills. It’s easy to lose sight of what our partners and children really need and in the process, we also lose sight of what we really need.

If you would like to comment on this newsletter, visit my blog.  If you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist

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9 replies
  1. Avatar
    Jennifer Rodriguez says:

    Dear Patrick,
    I haven’t contacted you in a while because I was doing okay and getting on with bettering myself even if it was in a slow, torturous manner but something has happened recently that has made me question myself and everything around me.
    It’s the Sweat Lodge tragedy that happened in Sedona, Arizona where James Arthur Ray took a group of people seeking spiritual enlightment. Three people died, 19 were injured.
    James Arthur Ray, as you probably know, is one of the most highly regarded teachers of the Law of Attraction. And you, yourself, are also a big proponent of the Law of Attraction.
    He was also one of the first people to inspire me to “change” for the better the things in my life I’m not satisfied with (as were you).
    Recently, I read a blog post from another highly respected, self-help guru, Dave Lakhani. Maybe you’ve heard of him too. He’s highly regarded in the world of sales and persuasion and is extremely in demand.
    He’s also someone who was raised in a cult that his mother joined and broke away from it under threat of death. Dirt-poor and on his own as a teenager, he turned his life around and today is a millionaire.
    This is the type of person you would expect to a big proponent of the Law of Attraction. But Dave Lakhani shocked me by writing in his blog post that he is an outspoken critic of the Law of Attraction.
    He criticized James Arthur Ray and accused him of “cult tactics” plus accused the Law of Attraction as being nothing more than a “cult” belief.
    This devastated me. Because I both respect James Arthur Ray and Dave Lakhani and I was shocked to read that Dave Lakhani doesn’t believe in the Law of Attraction so if he, someone highly successful and very well-grounded in scientific principles, doesn’t believe it then why should I?
    For that matter am I being gullible by believing that I can change my life by simply “changing my thoughts”?
    Even changing my thoughts coupled by actions might not be enough. What I mean is that, what if I were someone inspired to be an opera singer? Just imagine that I loved opera, had a passion for opera but wasn’t born with the voice to be an opera singer. Would it be enough to just truly believe with all my heart that I was meant to be an opera singer? Even if I coupled that with action, I took voice lessons upon voice lessons to improve my voice – would that ever make me an opera singer? Shouldn’t I just accept that I’m not cut out to be an opera singer?
    I don’t know if “believing” is enough anymore to turn my life around. For years, I’ve been trying to motivate myself to start a business. I’ve had tons of “false starts” and now I’m wondering if they weren’t really so “false”. Maybe it’s not for me. Maybe I should just accept that those things are not possible for someone like me. After all, I don’t come from an entrepreneurial family, nor a rich one. We’ve never been more than just workers. Maybe I’m believing something out of my league.
    I don’t know anymore. The tragedy, Dave Lakhani’s criticism of James Arthur Ray and the whole Law of Attraction movement in general have really devastated my faith in myself and my desire to “change” my life for the better. Maybe there is no “better”.
    Patrick, I’d like to ask you that you take a look at Dave Lakhani’s blog post, it also contains links to the news posts about the tragedy. Both you and Dave Lakhani have something in common. You are both believers in the science of psychology. Dave Lakhani bases everything he does in the science of psychology and in scientific evidence. I’m sure you can relate to that.
    And I’d like to ask you to please respond to this. Whether it be through an e-mail to me or a blog post on your blog. I think there are others out there suffering the same crisis of faith as I am and I’m sure many others who have read Dave Lakhani’s post. What do you have to say about this as someone who also considers himself a professional rooted in psychology and scientific evidence?
    Here is the link to Dave Lakhani’s blog post which will also take you to news reports about the Sweat Lodge tragedy:
    Finally, many of you may have heard of the sweat lodge deaths of three
    people at James Arthur Ray’s “Spiritual Warrior” (James was one of the
    teachers featured in the run away movie, “The Secret”)event in Sedona,
    Arizona. I wrote a very detailed blog post about how people are
    persuaded to do things (in this case fast in the desert without
    food or water for 36 hours then enter a high temperature sweat lodge
    for two hours). The post is long and include analysis of cult mind
    control, obedience, thinking errors and more:

    I look forward to some kind of response from you, whether it be through e-mail or blog post. I understand how busy you are but I really do hope you will take time out of your busy schedule to look into this.
    Thank you as always for encouraging us all to believe in ourselves!
    Jennifer Rodriguez

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