In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to address the need to be right and explain how it kills our happiness and destroys our relationships.
First a quick update:
“Gunman kills 3 people in a gym – Why?”
Listen to the radio interview when I speak about the possible reasons and motivations behind the man that fatally shot 3 people and then himself. I will be revealing the profile of mass killers and discussing the impact of rejection, being bullied and feelings of hopelessness. Listen to the interview here on 850 WFTL.
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Now, let’s talk about the need to be right.
The dictionary defines “right” as: the state or quality or an instance of being correct; correct in judgment, opinion, or action.
Recently, I was dining with a client and some of his friends in New York City. One of his close friends, Lisa, works as a consultant in the fashion industry. As we were discussing fashion trends, Lisa began to say that New York women dress much better than Miami women.
I began to wonder to myself, “Is that really true?”
My mind said, “No, she is wrong. I know that Miami women dress better.”
As we discussed and debated the finer points of fashion sense, it was obvious to me that Lisa was taking this personally; after all, Lisa is from New York City. She became heated and agitated. Her tone of voice was changing and her face was scrunching – her young face was quickly filling with deep lines on her forehead. Wow. Lisa was almost becoming angry.
And, of course, the more stubborn she became the more I wanted to point out to her and prove to her that she is wrong!
I paused for a moment and reminded myself that I have a choice; a choice in this very moment.
With a gentle smile and voice, I turned to Lisa and nodded my head, “You know what Lisa? You are right.”
Of course, she began to repeat her points of argument and each time, I gently said “You are right.”
Very soon, Lisa was smiling and calm.
Lisa had been vindicated.
So why did I choose to tell Lisa she was right?
I had a choice: continue to argue, make both of us agitated, maybe win the argument and be right but with a result of a tense and hostile night and relationship. I chose instead to be happy! How important is it to be right?
I called this newsletter, “Why do you always need to be right?”
Is being right truly a need?
The only real needs we have are: food, water, shelter and love. The rest are desires, wants and cravings.
And most of them come from our ego which translates into destructive behaviors that we engage in, in order to validate ourselves internally by something external:
- Telling people how they offend us by their behavior and that they should do such and such – namely change and conform to our way of being and living
- Seeking to win at all costs – even our happiness and relationships – so that we make the other person a loser and us a winner
- Trying to be better and superior to others and thus, judging others based on their appearance, achievements and possessions
- Craving and wanting more – never enjoying or being grateful for what we have – and never feeling satisfied regardless of what we have
- Attaching all of our self-worth and value to what we have achieved and then feeling empty when we find we still feel the need to achieve more
- Attaching ourselves to other people’s opinions of us and always fearful of our reputation and image, leaving us fragile, anxious, easily shattered and hopeless since we cannot please everyone
- Fighting to be right – the intention of making others wrong, fearful of questioning our own beliefs in case we might be wrong.
All of the above behaviors have one thing in common – trying to look for something outside of us to make us feel better inside. And when we do that we engage our ego and we separate ourselves from others, we become disconnected.
I could have possibly won the argument with Lisa but we would have created a rift and resented each other, for every time we engage in the need to be right, it is easy to become angry, hostile, bitter, cold and resentful. Inevitably our result is we push people away and we feel alone.
It’s our ego that creates the destructive need to feel “better than” or more “right” than others.
When faced with the craving to be right, ask yourself, “Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? Do I want to be right or do I want to be loved? How truly important is this?”
It wasn’t critical nor that important that I be right about who dresses better – women in New York or women in Miami. After all, the truth is it’s just an opinion and opinions are always changing and fluid. Thus, I didn’t need to be right with Lisa.
One of the most important and critical mathematical equations of life is:
“Being right does not always equal happiness.”
Try replacing the need (craving) to be right with the desire to be kind and seek to create your sense of self-worth and value from within and not from without. Work on clearly defining who you are, what is important to you and from where your value comes.
Using hypnosis CDs can also help to shift your feelings and beliefs about yourself, worth and value. Consider my CD – “Feel good about yourself and become more confident”. It works on a subconscious level, uses imagery and symbolism to shift your thinking and perception and, it helps to release negative emotions.
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.