In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the 7 primary factors of attraction.
First a quick update:
“Why are police losing control, becoming violent and killing?”
In California, 11 Sheriffs beat, kicked and punched a man while he lay on the ground not moving. The Sheriffs were both white and black and the man was white, so it was clearly not a racial issue. Why did they act this way? Read my article “5 Reasons police lose control and kill” Read more.
“Coaches, counselors and therapists”
Learn my unique therapeutic tool which helps clients to make radically fast behavioral and emotional changes without reliving trauma and without months or years of talk or emotional or psychological dependence upon the therapist.
Follow me on Twitter– You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert.
“What is Twisted Love”
How do you define love? Does your definition match your relationship? If not, then you have a subconscious definition known as “Twisted Love.” Watch my video.
Now, let’s talk about the 7 factors of attraction in romantic relationships.
Psychology refers to the Attraction Theory which presents Personal Appearance, Proximity, Similarity, and Complementarity as the 4 main factors behind interpersonal attraction.
However, I would like to expand and offer a more in-depth and detailed explanation of the 7 main factors of attraction
1. Chemistry – the physical attraction
The Attraction Theory presents Personal Appearance as the physical attraction. However, personal appearance refers to ideals of beauty i.e. “my physical type is…and I find this person to be beautiful.” However, we all know that the chemical attraction between two people is not directly linked or correlated to personal appearance as much as it is to the seeming inexplicable magnetic attraction between these two people. The magnetic or chemical attraction is explicable – it is hardwired – our brain seeks out the partner that will best complement our own genes to reproduce the healthiest offspring. Read more here.
2. Proximity – bonding
The Attraction Theory presents Proximity as the concept that we become attracted to people who are physically close to us. In other words, the more often we see them, the more we will be attracted. That is not accurate; we see many people on a daily basis and that doesn’t guarantee attraction – we might still loathe or detest those same people.
However, by doing things with the people who are physically close to us, we can bond with them and become more attracted to them. (Read about the Rickety bridge study and the way we can instantly bond with people when experiencing intensely emotional events.)
3. Similarity – like attracts like
The Attraction Theory presents Similarity as the concept that ‘like attracts like’ – we are drawn to and become attracted to people who are similar to us. We want to spend more time with people who have similar interests and hobbies; people who are in our age range (generally 5 year older or younger); people who share the same values and principles.
4. Complementarity – personalities that create harmony
The Attraction Theory presents Complementarity as the concept that two people who come together will complement each other. In other words, a talker needs a listener, an entertainer needs an audience. Thus, what we are really talking about here is complementary personalities. How does this theory relate to the common expression “Opposites attract”? Opposite but complementary personalities attract. However, the values and principles must match for the attraction to last.
5. Attachment Styles
In my article, “Attraction and your attachment style” I revealed that “we subconsciously become attracted to people who will reflect and reinforce our beliefs and expectations about caring, trust, abandonment, dependence, support, intimacy, vulnerability.” In other words, we become attracted to people who reflect and repeat the type of relationship we had with our primary attachment figure; we repeat the way we were treated in our first few year as a child by the person with whom we bonded the most – mom, dad or some other adult caretaker. That bond can be based on an unhealthy relationship as well i.e. mom/dad were not physically available, were emotionally shutdown, were critical or were abusive.
6. Subconscious modeling – IMAGO – Twisted Love
In the same way that we create attachment styles (the way we interact in relationships) we are also subconsciously attracted to people who reflect our beliefs about ourselves, relationship dynamics and roles. For example, if you are male and you saw your father abusing your mother, you will most likely become an abuser yourself (unless you make the conscious effort to be the opposite.) If you are female and you saw your father abusing your mother, you will most likely believe that women deserve to be abused or that this is the way men and women relate to each other (unless you make the conscious effort to be, think and behave the opposite to your mom and dad.) Thus, most women who become psychologically trapped in abusive relationships (and keep entering abusive relationships or who return multiple times to the abuser) were abused themselves as children. I refer to the latter as “Twisted Love” – we form definitions of love based on what we experienced as children. Thus, an abused child subconsciously defines love as being abused and when she grows up enters abusive relationships. Read more here.
Imago Relationship Therapy (created by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt) is based on these premises – that we find and are attracted to people who are similar to our primary caretakers, and, that the reason for this is that we are subconsciously trying to heal that initial relationship.
7. Similar core values
What is truly important to you in life? What do you value the most? Do you have a list of your top ten values? You will always be attracted to people who share the same values as you; people fall in love with each other sometimes because they share the same religious or spiritual values.
I have found that in almost every case, the primary reason that a relationship or marriage fails is because of clashing values – ‘he prized his freedom and she prized commitment…he prized money and she prized spirituality…he prized compassion and she prized perfection…’
Those values may have evolved in different directions or the earlier values that attracted them to each other are no longer primary or core values.
What stage are you at in your life?
For example, if you have grown up children, you will most likely not be attracted to someone who has very young children or someone who wants children. While it can be argued that this relates to ‘values’ it also relates to mental and physical energy. Our life stage can also determine much of what feel is our level of life force, and this, in turn, can determine to whom we are attracted – people who are at similar life stages.
Many people including clients ask me about the link between soul mates and attraction. The reason that I don’t include that here in this article is because the concept of “Soul mates” is not scientifically verifiable. That is not to say that they do not exist and I have written about soul mates and also concede that there have been a few isolated cases that defy any explanation other than the existence of a soul mate i.e. someone whom we knew in a former life.
Some psychologists also mention “Rewards” as a factor of attraction: money, social status, power, lifestyle, etc. However, these “Rewards” fall under the category of “values.” If money is one of my top 10 values, then I will be attracted to and seek out someone who can satisfy that value i.e. someone who has money or the potential to make money. If social status is one of my top 10 values, then I will be attracted to and seek out someone who is important, has high standing in society or is well respected, i.e. someone whom I can boast about to others for his/her education, title, rank, wealth or accomplishments “my boyfriend is a doctor/ lawyer/ professor/ athlete/ CEO/ successful businessman/ celebrity/ famous person…etc.”
It is clearly evident that there are many factors and forces that drive and determine to whom we are attracted – most of them subconscious or unconscious. However, the better you can understand yourself, your values and the factors of attraction, the greater chance you have of experiencing a fulfilling and rewarding relationship.
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.