Expressing Real Love To The People You Love

Expressing Real Love To The People You Love

Lets talk about real love.

Last week, I was brought in to spend three days help save a marriage and family and tape it for the Montel TV show. I sat down with the family to assess the situation and understand the dynamics of a blended family suffering from violence and arguments between the step children and the step mother. I quickly read the body language of Cassie (one of the daughters.) I told her that I could read and feel her resentment towards her father sitting right next to her. I encouraged Cassie to open up and she told me that she hates her father because he is not around, doesn’t give her attention, doesn’t listen to her or hang out with her.

I prompted dad to go for a walk with me so we could talk and he told me that he loves and cares for his daughters and family, and he even said, “My daughters know that I am there for them no matter what.” Unfortunately, they didn’t know that and they didn’t feel it. In fact, Chelsea the younger daughter said to me, “My dad is trash.”  How is it possible that there can be such a vast difference in perspectives? How is it possible that dad says he loves and cares for his daughters but they say he doesn’t?

The key to real love is not in words but rather in actions. Any one of us can say, “You know I love you and care about you” but that doesn’t guarantee that the other person will feel it, nor does it mean that you do love him or her. Saying those words to the person you love or simply saying them to yourself does not mean that you love them. Love is not a word it is an emotion that needs expression. Too often, we mislead ourselves into thinking that our definition and expression of love is all that counts. That is false. For the other person to know and feel our love, we must show and express it in a way that they need and understand. Thus, for Chelsea and Cassie they need a father’s love expressed beyond the provisions of food, water and shelter. They need, touch, affection, attention, listening, playing, laughing and just hanging out.  Do you know if the people in your life feel your love, caring and concern? Have you asked them?

The greatest mistake that men make is that they believe that love is defined by simply providing material things – schooling, housing, money and gifts. The greatest complaint and pain that most of my clients relate to me is that when they were growing up mom or dad was not around and thus they felt abandoned, rejected and worthless.   I teach that two qualities are needed in a man: a strong back and open heart. That translates into the ability to give and give to the people you love, to listen openly with love and acceptance, and to be dependable, to have the strength to handle whatever comes your way. For Cassie and Chelsea’s dad, a strong back translates into the ability to set aside his own issues, pain and insecurities and offer support, encouragement and understanding. It means expressing empathy, compassion and insight into their unique situation and needs, particuallrly as they are aged 14 and 16 and were abused as children (not by dad.)

I titled this Success Newsletter as “real love” because there is a major distinction between romantic love and unconditional love. Romantic love is “What can you do for me?” Unconditional love is “How much can I love you?” I promote that we always strive to express unconditional love, knowing that our limitation is that we are human and therefore imperfect.  Dad finally indentified that what Cassie needs is for her father to hang out with her and do stuff with her. For Cassie, that is part of what real love is!

For more information and insights into love and happiness, read my book, “How to find happiness”. Remember to check out my Blog on my website to read my past Success Newsletters, post your comments and take a few exciting quizzes. If you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist

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