In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to expand on and address the overwhelming mixed responses to last week’s newsletter about forgiveness.
First a quick update:
“40 Most Shocking Celebrity Divorces”
On VH1 features me as I analyze and reveal motivations, causes of the divorces as well as insights about what can be learned from the celebrity divorces and their issues.
“Soul mates – fact or a dangerous myth?”
Listen to the interview I will be giving to Joanie Winberg about the various myths and concepts of soul mates: “Single Again! Now What?” Internet Radio Show. You can also visit Radio-Interviews to listen to it.
Now, I would like to expand on the controversial point that forgiveness is for you i.e. you need to forgive for your benefit more than for the benefit of the person being forgiven.
Can you recall a relationship that began with great joy and happiness? Can you recall those wonderful feelings of joy, laughter, fun and ecstasy? How great did you feel when you were expressing love to the other person? What did that feel like?
And now after someone hurts you, what does it feel like when you feel the resentment, blame, bitterness, anger, frustration, vindictiveness and the desire for revenge, all of which are poisons and toxins in your body? They hurt you more than they hurt the other person. You feel bad don’t you?
And even worse, these negative toxic emotions transform into physical illness – headaches, neck pain, ulcers, stomach problems, insomnia, irritability, fatigue, etc.
The key to peace of mind is to understand that you can forgive someone without condoning the action and without ever even having to give them another chance. You can choose to cut them off.
But is that real forgiveness?
Yes it is and here’s why.
Forgiveness is about understanding why it happened and accepting the other person – not their action; separating the action from the person. It’s about learning from the incident and deciding which way to move forward but letting go of the pain and judgment against yourself and the other person.
So let’s say for example that you’re in a relationship and your partner cheats on you. Maybe you recognize as did my client, John, that he was never there, he was always working. But he also recognizes that he didn’t make her a cheater. It was her programming or belief system to act that way.
So John accepts how he contributed to the situation and injects understanding and compassion for her situation, abusive past or childhood pain. He also accepts that we are all human beings; we all make mistakes.
John can now choose to forgive and bless her; wanting and wishing the best for her. But does John believe that his wife can or will change? Does he believe that she is truly remorseful about her actions? Can he trust her again?
If John feels that his wife cannot do these things; cannot change, won’t change, doesn’t want to change, isn’t willing to do what’s necessary to change, he can make the choice to say, “I forgive you. I love you. I bless you but you’re not healthy for me. I’m going down a different path. I’m not making the journey with you anymore. Our journey together is over.” That doesn’t mean John hasn’t forgiven her; it simply means that he loves and respects himself sufficiently to do what’s best for him now.
Last week, I received an email from a reader stating that she can say the words, I forgive you but she can’t “feel it” in her heart.” So, how can she let go of the pain and forgive?
Our greatest block to forgiveness is that we subconsciously believe that person did it against us, to hurt us, or because there is something wrong with us or we mistakenly think we will change the other person by not forgiving them. We get stuck in the past.
This is what every client tells me. I recall when a girlfriend cheated on me, I kept saying to myself “If she loved me, she would not have done this. If she cared about me, she would not have done this. How could she do this after all we had done together and all that I had done for her; I was her best friend?”
Consciously and intellectually, I recognized that she didn’t love herself, had low self-esteem and was probably sabotaging a good relationship because she didn’t believe she deserved it. She also admitted to me that being with me naturally challenged her to face her stuff and she didn’t want to do that.
But for me the chains were broken when I subconsciously accepted that her actions, reactions and choices really had nothing do to with me. She wasn’t cheating on me to hurt me, even if she was trying to push me away. She was doing it because of who she is, because of her pain, her beliefs. And even if she didn’t love me or care about me, it was because she can’t love, she doesn’t know how to love, and won’t allow anyone to love her because she doesn’t feel worthy of love.
And yes, even if someone accidentally stabs you, the result is that you are still injured, you will still bleed. But the healing process is also about understanding that it’s not happening anymore; it’s over, it’s in the past and it is safe to trust and love again. You see, many of us hold deep resentments because we feel we have been forever damaged by what the other person has done but that is only true if we allow it to be.
Can you imagine what would happen if based on every single injury we experienced, we just shut down and never tried anything a second time?
If you would like to learn more or need assistance with the process of forgiveness, consider my live 3 CD set: “Secrets to losing weight, being thin and loving your body” .
Also read my newsletter from May 14, 2008, “Why we don’t forgive” on my blog. And add your comments and questions to my blog and read my past Success Newsletters, if you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page.
I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.