Forgiving The Unforgivable

Forgiving The Unforgivable

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to talk about the controversial topic of ‘forgiving the unforgivable.’

First a quick update:

“Soul mates – fact or a dangerous myth?”
Listen to the interview I gave to Joanie Winberg about the various myths and concepts of soul mates: “Single Again! Now What?” Internet Radio Show”. Click here to listen to the interview: Radio-Interviews

Now, let’s talk about forgiving the unforgivable.

Here is an excerpt from my 3 CD live audio set – “Secrets to losing weight, being thin and loving your body”:

“I said earlier that most of us are afraid of rejection and most of us are walking around with negative emotions, so how do we release these? How do we overcome the fear of rejection? How do we let go of our judgments -the judgements we made about ourselves and about people around us?

The answer and process are forgiveness.

Now, I’m sure that most of you when you signed up for this long work shop and program that you didn’t think for a moment that we’d be talking about forgiveness. But we’re going to spend a lot of time talking about forgiveness because forgiveness is what’s going to help set you free and you know if you walk out of here today and never exercise again or you don’t change your diet, if you can simply get to the place of forgiving yourself and other people around you you’ll be much happier and you’ll feel good about yourself regardless of what happens to your body shape or whether you get on that treadmill every single day.

You see what happens to us is that, as children, we have certain expectations.  We have expectations about our parents -about how they should be, what they should do and how they should treat us and, how they should treat each other.  When they don’t live up to those expectations, we make conclusions. We either conclude that they’re bad or that we’re bad or maybe both. We conclude that there’s something wrong with them and something wrong with ourselves. We then continue to carry those judgements around with us for the rest of our lives.  Those judgments turn into resentment, bitterness, guilt, shame, blame, disgust, self-punishment, self-loathing, fear, rejection, isolation, loneliness, etc.  So one of the keys to being set free is to learn to forgive

Now I’m going to say something a little different to what most other people say because I believe forgiveness actually begins with you, not with anyone else.

That means – some people say, “Oh, forgive your family first then forgive yourself.”  I say no.  Forgive yourself first then forgive your family.  You see, if you can’t show kindness, lovingness, acceptance, sympathy, empathy and compassion for yourself, how can you expect to show it to other people?

So every relationship begins with you.  The way that you treat yourself is the way that you will treat others.

And you’ll say, “Oh that’s not true Patrick.  I’m always kind to other people.”  Are you really or are you doing it for a reason, is there an ulterior motive?  (Are you being a martyr, or doing it to get their approval or something similar?) Because, if there is an ulterior motive, then you’re not really being kind to them (it’s not coming from love.)  You see if you can’t forgive yourself for a mistake you made, you cannot forgive anyone else.

I know that we’ve all heard the expression and teaching, “Love thy neighbor as you love yourself.” What does that mean?

Love the other person the way you love yourself.

That means, before you can be kind to the person next door you have to be kind to yourself.  Before you can forgive them you have to forgive yourself. And that’s why I say “every relationship begins with you.” You can only show to them the qualities and love you show to yourself.

So now, what I’d like you to do is do an exercise of just writing down the people in your life including yourself that you’ve not yet forgiven.. I’m not saying that by writing this down now that you have to forgive them now; we just want to identify them. What I’d like you to do most of all is write down the person that you believe you could never ever forgive — an ex-husband, an ex-wife, your present husband, your present wife, whoever it is; it might even be you – because that person is the person that needs the forgiveness the most.  And you’ll say, “Well why do I need to forgive them?”

The interesting thing about forgiveness is that forgiveness is not for the other person, it’s for you.

I’ll say that again.

Forgiveness is not for the other person, it’s for you.

So we have to ask ourselves, why do we not want to forgive?  Why do not want to forgive the other person who hurt us or maybe did something horrible to us, who betrayed us, cheated on us, lied to us, rejected us, treated us poorly or abandoned us?  Whatever it is that he or she did; why do we not want to forgive him or her?

The reasons are many and you will be shocked by the answers and what they reveal.”

If you would like to continue this process and learn more about forgiveness and how to forgive, listen to my 3 CD live audio set “Secrets to losing weight, being thin and loving your body.”

Add your comments and questions to my blog and read my past Success Newsletters, if you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com

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7 replies
  1. Avatar
    Peggy says:

    You are right on the money Patrick! this man is 43, established in his career, never been married, has two grown children by a relationship in his early 20’s, says he usually dates married women because he’s been hurt. Says he likes me, but will never marry me. He says he doesn’t think he could ever be faithful. I’m not looking for marriage, but I’m not wanting to rescue anybody either. Thank you so much!

    Peggy

  2. Avatar
    Patrick says:

    Dear Peggy,

    a man’s approach to sex depends on many factors. With regards to “hook-ups” and “booty calls” the answer to his motivation depends first on age and values. Young men (early 20s) may be pursuing career and thus not want any commitment or relationship; they may also be giving into peer pressure to be cool and a stud i.e. to be socially accepted. As a man matures, his values change – respect for women, meaningful relationships, fatherhood, giving as well as taking. When young age and career do not play into the equation, then yes, the desire to hook up and have no attachment almost aways is driven by the fear of commitment which is, the fear of rejection: ‘if I don’t allow myself to become vulnerable to you (mentally, emotionally) then you can’t reject me.’

    I hope this answers your question. Oh, and please don’t try to change or rescue them; it won’t work.
    All the best,

    Patrick

  3. Avatar
    Peggy says:

    I’m sorry this does not involve the blog, but I had a question…I would like to know what you think about men that only prefer “hook-ups” and no attachments, or also booty calls? Is it intimacy issues/freedom issues?

    Thank you

  4. Avatar
    Lu Cluff says:

    Good evening Patrick…..another collectible article….. on foregiveness . One’s quality of Life truly begins Within.
    Thanks again. Lu From Canada.

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