Is Your Partner Cheating? The Top Ten Red Flags

Is Your Partner Cheating? The Top Ten Red Flags

– The Top Ten Red Flags

 By Patrick Wanis – Human Behavior & Relationship Expert and Celebrity Life Coach

It can be the most devastating revelation: Your partner is cheating on you. Worse: You find out that it has been going on for many months or even years and you never saw it coming -or did you?Often there are many telltale signs of cheating. For some people, the signs can be confusing. Is his or her unusual behavior just a phase representing rough emotional times or is it because he or she is cheating?

And what is the Number 1 sign that your partner is cheating on you?First, be aware men do not cheat more than women do. When men cheat they are often doing it with another woman and the woman almost always knows he is married or in a relationship, so therefore she is part of the lie and deception.
Second, studies reveal that men will often hide their cheating behavior while women will be first to lie about their cheating behavior. Third, TV shows such as “Desperate Housewives” are indirectly promoting women cheating. And if you are still doubtful about the percentage of women that cheat, you can watch the TV interview I gave on FOX News Channel about women cheating at

Is your partner cheating on you?

The Red Flags

Below is a list of twenty-six red flags or signs that scream “Look out! Your partner may be cheating on you!” Can you guess which ones are the top ten?

Rate next to each red flag a number and then compare your answers further below e.g. if you believe that the number one sign of cheating is “Sets up a new e-mail account but doesn’t tell you about it” then put the number 1 next to it.

HE or SHE: 
A.  Suddenly seems happier and brighter
B.  Is more possessive toward computer & password, wallet, cell phone or briefcase
C.  Sets up a new e-mail account but doesn’t tell you about it
D. Takes a real sudden interest in everything designer and new
E. Has a sudden preoccupation with his or her appearance, his/her breath and carries toothpaste, toothbrush, mouthwash at all times
F.  Starts keeping an overnight bag in their car, office or friend’s house, saying it’s for a workout or a game of tennis
G. Is very “touchy”, easily angered and picks fights with you (often this is guilt being expressed)
H. Claims the boss is out -has to work, and starts working late and on holidays & weekends
I.  Expresses opinions on subjects that previously never interested him/her
J.  Encourages you to visit parents or friends alone
K.  Suddenly wants the car clean and free of “clutter” belonging to you or the kids
L.  Starts using new words and phrases
M  Suggests that you open up separate checking accounts
N.  Doesn’t wear wedding ring anymore
O.  Makes more phone calls late at night and insists on answering the phone whenever it rings
P.  Completely changes feelings on God, abortion, religion and spirituality
Q.  Demonstrates childish behavior and music interests, knows all the new pop singers and has their CD’s, and uses more kid slang than the kids
R.  Accuses you of getting into his or her “stuff” when he/she loses something
S.  Changes his/her attitude about people who cheat: suggests not to judge others and defends others who have cheated
T.  Becomes great friends with people going through divorce
U.  Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer
V.  Acts guilty when you do something nice for him or her and blames you for anything wrong in the relationship
W. Becomes defensive when you question his or her fidelity and responds by accusing you of cheating but has no evidence
X. Kisses you differently than before and/or is more open and confident in bed
Y. Acts differently such that your friends begin asking you what’s wrong
Z.  Finally: You sense that he/she is cheating –your gut feeling

Finally, be aware that what drives someone to cheat is not simply opportunity but rather the attempt to fill a need for the cheater. If your partner suffers from low self-esteem, there is a greater chance that he or she will cheat because she is either trying to sabotage a good relationship because she doesn’t subconsciously believe she deserves to be treated well or she is still seeking validation and reassurance from others because she simply doesn’t believe she is worthy and good enough.

Patrick Wanis’ books “Get the man you WANT!”, and “How to Get Over It –Breakups, Betrayals and Rejection” ©WOW Media are available at Post a comment on Patrick’s Blog or subscribe to his free weekly Success Newsletter at

Answers: Top Ten Signs Your Partner is Cheating: 4.3. X  2.1. Z

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16 replies
  1. Avatar
    raati says:

    Dear Patric,
    thanks so much for listening to my delaima, and your advice, i try to tell him that if he wants me then my sis has to go, but he tells me and argue with me and kids that she know the affairs of the office…and always says there is nothing between them…patrick i hate my sister for this what she did to me.since i always loved her as my young sister…i honestly dont want her in the office and told her to leave the i selfish…i am sure she will find job somewhere else..but i think my husband is selfish…or he may be thinking her bills or what ever..i already told him that i am going to leave him if i ever find any thing behind my back or hiding from me like they did in past…my sister is a big lair and drama queen, i caught her so many times lying to me and my husband to get his sympathy..and lie to me when she was with him but my husband didnt, should i give him one more chance….he said she will be gone when he will find some one..can i trust him what you think…i feel he is sorry what he me and our kids…is man are emotionless…then women…i still feel pain and i have no feeling for any love,but i do care for him. he is a diabetic and a heart patients… its seems some where deep down in me my feelings are dead and i hate all love story,love songs to me they are all garbage, although we had a love marriage and we are together for 40years..but since 5 years he has been cheating on me…and he said he is sorry…please patrick how i can be a strong???? some times i feel very hurt and confuse and want to just disappear from his life….just go away…..from this hurt and embarrassment what he and my sis did to me and our loving family….i dont want to destroyed this family….i know its going to take time to heal my wound… but knowing that she is still in the office working for him and still has a contect with each other…is this except able….

    • Avatar
      Patrick Wanis says:

      Dear Raati,

      Your sister might choose not to leave on her own but if your husband is serious about finding a replacement then let him explain what he is doing to find one.
      You are choosing to feel guilty about being put first; so your issue is that you don’t believe that you are significant and this is why people are treating you this way. it is not selfish to be first when you are the wife, mother and a victim of betrayal. Of course, you will not feel love towards him when he has lied and betrayed you. Please get some help to let go of the painful emotions and to get the strength to put yourself first and feel okay about that.
      All the best,

  2. Avatar
    raati says:

    my husband has cheated on me with my sister. i did had a suspicious about them, but they always denied and tell me that i was a suspicius person and i dont like them together..but one day i found her naked photo on his computer and finely they accepted husband ask me to forgive him it was mistake and there is nothing going between them..its history…but my sister never said sorry and what she did was wrong. unfortunately she works in his office, that i always didnt like it because she was trying to take my place…i found out from one function that she was using my a wife of my husband..after this my husband said that she is no longer will be in the office..but after two months i found out she is back after her leave and still there..i had a big fight with my husband..and his excuse is she has a five years of experience in that work and he can not let her go,..our kids and family took the objection on his decisions…and my sister has no shame at all..not one talks with her including her own 18year son hates it..but she is still in the office. we all told her to go..i m going crazy over this..i love him, how should i cope with this and bring his trust back..i dont trust my sis, she is big lair in the past..what should i do…is working in same office is husband is always travels and hardly in the office..

    • Avatar
      Patrick Wanis says:

      Dear Raati,

      Cheating and betrayal can be some of the deepest pains we have to face. The first thing I would like to say is that you both need to seek counseling.
      You have three choices:
      1. get out of the relationship
      2. You both come clean (open up) about what you feel in this relationship
      3. You both work towards rebuilding the trust

      Remember, you always have time to go back to option 1., so try out the others first.

      Another key point here is that the only way that trust can be rebuilt into a relationship – and stronger than before is for both partners to want it. Next, you Raati have to state what it is you want i.e. tell him how he can help you to trust him (make it measurable and tangible) – do you want him to call you, text you or prove to you where he is and what he is doing?
      The last element is about forgiveness which sets you free and possibly leads to the rebuilding of the relationship (remember, you can forgive him and still end the relationship.) Accordingly, if he really wants to heal the relationship and transform it for the better, then the following must occur:
      He must accept responsibility for his actions and he must make himself accountable. In other words, he must take the step to seek your forgiveness. He must prove to you that he regrets his ways and is willing to do what is necessary for you to give him another chance. I am thus referring to you must decide if you want your sister out of that office and if so, then you tell him and if he truly regrets his actions and decides to pay the consequences of his actions and chooses to prove to you that he loves you and the relationship is a priority, then he will let go of your sister from the office. If that is what you want in order to give him another chance, then say it and stick to it. Remember, part of the reason he does what he does is because you let him – you are not to blame for his affair but you are responsible for allowing the marriage to continue with your sister still working in your husband’s office after they both betrayed you!
      All the best and I hope this helps.

  3. Avatar
    Patrick says:

    Dear Debra,
    it can be so painful to find out that the person you love has betrayed you. Now, please re-read what you wrote and notice that he is blaming you for his actions and you are responding by saying that you think and feel that there is something wrong with you, that you are not good enough. Notice that you said you are competing with her and that you are now trying even harder. This is not healthy for you nor your relationship. Further, if you continue to act this way, he will lose respect for you. Let him explain whyhe felt you were not interested and why he chose to cheat on you rather than speak with you. Second, but most important of all, ask yourself why you feel you are not good enough and when did you first have those feelings. The key is to explore your relationship with your dad when you were a child -how you felt around him. Also, please consider my “get the man you want” audio book on CD – it will open your eyes and help to rebuild your self-esteem.

  4. Avatar
    Debra says:


    My boyfriend and I have been together since June of 1999. Recently an arguementive phone call (instigated by him) led to him telling me that he was seeing someone else. I obviously felt hopeless and lost because I love him to death. He said that he thought that I didn’t care anymore about the relationship so he strayed. He swears up and down that he has not had intercourse with her but only made out a few times in her car. I am 28, he is 30 and she is 30. Even though I’m only less than 2 years behind her and feel like I’m trying to compete with her. She also is leaving with a boyfriend of her own. My world has totally fallen apart because I do love him so much. He still tells me that he loves me and that he wants to work this out between us. It has only been a few days and I’m still on edge. I’m even trying harder!!! What is your opinion? Why would he feel the need to tell me this? What should I do? Is a cheating relationship fixable? Please help me I feel so lost!!!

  5. Avatar
    Patrick says:

    You are welcome Brooke, and please accept my humble advice that the best action is always to first work on yourself…the rest will fall into place…

  6. Avatar
    brooke says:


    Thanks for taking the time to write back. I have tried to ask him about his cheating, he just says “he didn’t love them”, ” and that he only got married for the money”. He doesn’t like to talk about his feelings at all. I really do try! He just makes jokes and changes the subject. Because of what I did, I think I exspect him to cheat on me. Like it’s my punishment, or the fact that I worry constantly is my punishment. I havent figured that part out yet. We are still together because I do love him very much, and he says he loves me. I want my child to know what a family is, but I can’t help to wonder if she would be better off with us not together. We do argue, and I know that is not healthy for her to hear and see. Thats why I want to figure things out before she is old enough to know what is going on. Thanks again for your advice.

  7. Avatar
    Patrick says:


    be aware that the foundation of the relationship has been laid down. In other words, if his relationship with you began by him cheating on his wife, then of course, you will feel suspicious and unless he has dealt with the root cause of why he has chosen to cheat on “every other woman he has ever been with”, then there is little chance that he will change. Now ask yourself why you chose to be a with a man who has cheated on every woman? Are you trying to change or rescue him? Are you trying to prove yourself to yourself by ‘making” him loyal? Do you fear real intimacy and so you choose to be with a man who cannot truly commit to you? Do you feel you deserve to be cheated on? I always suggest that each individual work on his or her issues and motivations. You cannot change him – only yourself. I suggest that you watch some of my TV clips on my website
    and have you listened to my audio book, “get the man you want!”? It’s not abut dumping him, it’s about loving yourself and believing that you deserve the best…

    Finally, sit down and see if he might open up to you to admit to you the real reasons he has always cheated but be aware he may not consciously know why he has cheated on women…consider also the possibility of a phone consultation (for him or you…) I wish you the best and remind you “believe in yourself…you deserve the best!”

  8. Avatar
    brooke says:

    Not many of these signs fit my fiance, but, he has cheated on his ex-wife and every other women he has ever been with. He actually left his ex-wife for me. I can’t help but to think he is doing the same thing to me. He is always lying about the stupidest things, so that makes me think he is lying about other things. Everyday he leaves for work I just can’t help but to think the worst. Could I just be feeling guilty because of what I did or could he still be at his same old tricks? The only difference between me and all the rest is that we decided to have a child together. He tells me he would never cheat on the mother of his child, he wouldn’t take the risk of losing me and her. What do I do?

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