In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to introduce the finale to the past two week’s newsletters: It’s all about you.
First a quick update:
“Shocking Celebrity Divorces”
I recently taped a TV show for VH1 analyzing and offering insights into the causes and lessons from certain celebrity couples and their divorces.
“Make the Holidays Fun”
Listen to my tips on how to handle the Holiday stress and family with the radio interview I gave to Sally Jessy Raphael – Easing Holiday Stress
Now, let’s talk about you: it’s all about you.
Three weeks ago, I issued the newsletter: It’s not your fault, explaining that the way other people respond to you has nothing to do with you. In other words, no matter what you do, people will make their own choices about how they will respond or react to you based on their own programming, personality and subconscious beliefs. Last week, I expanded on that theme by encouraging you not to take things personally, and to not get attached to people’s responses to you. I said that when we become attached to everything that people say about us – good or bad, then we lose our power because we become their puppet and they determine how we will act, behave and feel each day and possibly, each moment.
Now, I would like to introduce the paradox: it’s all about you.
I am currently in NY taping a show for VH1 offering expert insights into celebrity divorces. Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger are one such couple. They divorced in 2002 after nine years of marriage. Five years later, in 2007, Alec Baldwin was criticized for a recording of an angry voicemail message to his 11 year-old daughter, Ireland in which he called her “a rude thoughtless, little pig” and her mother, Kim Basinger “a pain in the a..”
Subsequently, Kim Basinger accused him of severe anger issues but Baldwin told Dianne Sawyer that he has “the same anger issues that everyone else has”, saying that he went through the best form of anger management around – he got divorced. In other words, Baldwin was saying that his marriage to Basinger was responsible for his outbursts of anger and that divorcing her was the solution; that obviously wasn’t the answer as evidenced by the phone message five years after the divorce.
The point here is, that in the same way that other people are responsible for their response and reaction to us, so too, are we responsible for our response and reaction to them.
People can only trigger what is already within us.
I like to use the analogy of the orange. Have you ever noticed that no matter how you handle the orange – cut it, squeeze it, squash it or jump on it, the same things always come out – orange juice & pulp? Why? That is all that is inside the orange – juice & pulp. The juice maybe sweet or maybe it might be sour – but it’s always orange juice. You can’t squeeze an orange and hope to get out of it lemon, pineapple or grapefruit juice.
So why are we surprised when someone squeezes, pushes or tests us and we respond with anger or some other emotion? Why do we then blame them for our response? They are simply triggering the release of what is already inside of us. Kim Basinger might be “a nutcase” as Baldwin’s brother claims or she might be trying to turn Ireland against Baldwin to punish him as he claims, but all she did was trigger the anger that existed within Alec Baldwin. Either way, he cannot make her responsible for his choices and she cannot make him responsible for her mental state of mind or her treatment of their daughter.
It is also true that some people bring out the best in us while others bring out the worst, and therefore it is wise to avoid the people who will trigger your worst, but remember, he or she can only trigger what is already there. And the more you choose to release and eradicate those negative emotions, the less “worst” that there is for someone to trigger in you.
I recall that one girlfriend of mine used to drive me absolutely nuts and sometimes we would argue for hours into the night, but as much as she might have been controlling and manipulative, my response to her had nothing to do with her. She simply triggered my insecurities and fear of rejection. In fact, it took a while before I noticed that the night before every major TV appearance of mine, she and I would have a serious argument. Eventually, I realized that she was arguing because I was taking attention away from her (just as her dad, a performer did when she was a child.) For my part, I was creating anxiety and trying to sabotage my success; I wouldn’t be able to sleep that night and I would be an emotional wreck prior to the show, and if were to screw up, I could say, “see, it was your fault.”
Thus, it became apparent that her response was her stuff (her issues and fears) and my response was my stuff (my insecurities and subconscious belief of not being worthy of success.) In other words, it wasn’t my fault or hers for the way each one of us responded and it was up to each one of us to heal our own stuff and face the truth as we look in the mirror: “it’s all about you.”
I humbly hope that this Holiday season you might remember these principles as you gather with your family and friends and thus have a Happy Holiday.
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.