Sexual Abuse Is About Power & Control, Not Sex

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to like to reveal the facts about sexual abuse: sexual abuse is about power and control, not sex.

First a quick update: 

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Now, let’s talk about sexual abuse: sexual abuse is about power and control, not sex.

Sexual abuse or sexual assault is any type of sexual conduct or contact to which the victim does not consent. If it were done with consent, it would be sex not sexual abuse or assault.

Victims of sexual abuse often subconsciously blame themselves believing that they did something wrong or there is something wrong with them to warrant the abuse. Worse, if they experienced sexual arousal during the abuse which is a natural physiological response, the guilt and shame are heightened.

Because the act of sexual assault or sexual abuse is sexual, it is easy to conclude that therefore it is about sex. It is not!

The act is sexual, but the motivation is power, dominance, anger, or revenge.

When an elderly woman of 80 years of age or a young child (boy or girl) of age 2 or 3 is sexually abused, it should be obvious that this act is not about sex, sexual attraction, sexual passion, lust nor gratification.

Again, sexual abuse is about power and control, not sex.

Another example is the husband who believes he has a right to sex with his wife and then rapes her. His motivation is to have power and control over his wife. He wants to dominate her, perhaps he even wants to humiliate, intimidate or crush her.

The strongest evidence to support the fact that rape, sexual abuse or sexual assault are about power is to consider who the abusers/perpetrators are.

Sexual Abusers Are Often People In Positions Of Authority & Power

While it is true that perpetrators can be almost anyone, they are almost always someone that the victim knows. In fact, the perpetrators of sexual abuse or assault are often people in positions of authority, power or influence over others, such as: 

• Doctors and their patients
• Police officers and the public – often people they arrest or threaten to arrest
• Mental health providers and their patients
• Teachers or school employees and children
• Workplace superiors (bosses, CEOs) and their employees or subordinates
• Coaches or trainers and the athletes they train
• Caretakers/babysitters and children
• Foster parents and foster children
• Probation, parole, or correctional officers and those under their authority
• Priests or religious leaders and those under their care or authority
• Stepdads and their stepchildren

Further, sexual abuse is not about the perpetrator’s inability to control his sexual desire. This is a dangerous myth. In fact, three out of five rapists are also in consenting sexual relationships. Again, consider the victims who are either elderly or very young.

Sexual abuse always involves methods of:

1 Coercion (threats, harassment, intimidation)
2 Manipulation (psychological manipulation or the use of alcohol or drugs) or
3 Outright force (physical dominance or drugging of the victim.) In one town in Bolivia more than 130 women were drugged and raped while asleep in their home by nine men over a period of five years. https://www.vice.com/en/article/4w7gqj/the-ghost-rapes-of-bolivia-000300-v20n8

The abuser engages each of these above methods with the motivation to dominate and exert power and control over the victims who always have less power.

In one study of sexual assaults of 133 offenders and 92 victims, the researchers identified four classifications:

“(1) power-assertive rape, in which the rapist regards his act as an expression of his virility, mastery and dominance; (2) power-reassurance rape, in which the rapist is trying to resolve doubts about his sexual adequacy and masculinity; (3) anger-retaliation rape, committed as an expression of hostility and rage toward women; and (4) anger-excitation rape, in which the rapist finds pleasure in the suffering of his victim.” (American Journal of Psychiatry Volume: 134 Issue: 11, November 1977 Pages: 1239-1243 – authors: A N Groth; A W Burgess; L L Holmstrom) https://www.ojp.gov/ncjrs/virtual-library/abstracts/rape-power-anger-and-sexuality

“Perpetrators often get away with assault because of societal reinforcement. In a culture that disdains vulnerability and views violence as an appealing expression of power, sexual assault remains on the table as a way for perpetrators to use power over others.” 

https://www.greatmiattorneys.com/personal-injury/understanding-sexual-assault

“There were no rapes in which sex was the dominant issue; sexuality was always in the service of other, nonsexual needs.” Study: Rape: power, anger, and sexuality – 1977, authors, A N Groth, W Burgess, L L Holmstrom

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/910975/

Famous Examples of Sexual Abuse of Authority

1 Harvey Weinstein, American film producer and mogul. More than 80 women accused him of sexual abuse over a period spanning more than three decades. Weinstein was arrested and charged with rape in May 2018. He was found guilty of two of five felonies in February 2020, and was sentenced to 23 years in prison.

2 Catholic dioceses have paid more than $3.8 billion to settle claims of sexual assault by clergy since the 1980s. 

3 In May 2018, Michigan State University reached a $500 million settlement with 332 victims of Larry Nassar in his roles as a USA Gymnastics national team doctor and osteopathic physician at Michigan State. 

4. Penn State University paid $100 million in settlements for sexual assaults committed by Jerry Sandusky, which occurred in part because of the privileges and access Sandusky received as an assistant football coach. 

Understanding and accepting that sexual abuse is about power and control, not sex is part of the healing process for victims of the trauma of sexual abuse, and it helps to change society’s perspective and condoning of all forms of sexual abuse.

“Rape culture can be perpetuated by jokes, TV programs, music, advertising, and imagery that depict sexual aggression as normal. The use of euphemistic phrases by the media, such as ‘inappropriate behavior’ and ‘sexual misconduct’ to describe sexual assault, glosses over the lifelong effects of rape and downplays its severity.”

Rape Culture: Los Gatos High School, Spring Issue, 2017

If you or a friend need help to resolve pain and trauma from sexual abuse, do as others have done and resolve it rapidly and be set free of the pain by experiencing my SRTT process  – without reliving the pain or being triggered: book a one-on-one session with me.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist