In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the signs and secret to spotting a liar; how to know if he or she is lying to you.
First a quick update:
“How to connect with anyone”
Watch the two-part TV interview I gave to The Morning Show WSFL about the ways we communicate and the techniques and strategies to build instant rapport and connect with anyone.
“Valentine’s Day and personality test”
Wondering if your Valentine is the right one? Take the personality test and find out if you are perfectly matched, truly mismatched and which is the most suitable personality type for you.
Now, let’s talk about how to tell when someone is lying.
Diogenes was a social critic and philosopher who lived in ancient Greece and chose to give up possessions and instead to live in poverty. Diogenes was a cynic; possibly the father of cynicism. Diogenes was famous for lighting a lantern in broad daylight and walking through the streets of Athens waving his lantern and exclaiming that he was looking for an “honest man”.
Diogenes’ cynicism and his search for an “honest man” would be just as appropriate today, if not more, than it was centuries ago. Former Senator John Edwards is one such example. Senator Edwards lied about having an affair and then he lied a second time when he said he was not the father of the unborn child of his mistress Reille Hunter.
But was it obvious that John Edward’s denials were lies? What were the signs that screamed that he was lying? I will answer that in a moment. But first, here are some interesting statistics about lying:
- 42% of adults think it’s OK to lie sometimes
- Only 54% of lies are accurately detected
- 37% of adults think it’s OK to lie about your age
- 2/3 of adults think it is OK to lie sometime to avoid hurting someone’s feelings
- 98% of teenagers lie to their parents
- 40% of parents think it’s OK to lie to their children about the trouble they got into when they were younger
- In a conversation, the average person lies 3 times every ten minutes
- 44% of adults will exaggerate when they tell a story to sound cooler (i.e. be accepted)
- University students lie to their mothers 50% of the time
- We lie in one-third of our conversations with our romantic partners
- We tell the most serious lies to the people we care about the most
We have grown to become cynical when we speak of politicians and honesty. And yet from the statistics above, it is obvious that we all lie. Scientists claim that by the age of four we have all learned to lie. Why do we lie? To protect ourselves and others, to protect others’ feelings, and to get what we want and need – whether or not that is something tangible or intangible such as approval, love, acceptance, validation, and so forth.
As I have written the in past, I believe it is best to speak your truth with compassion and even avoid the white lies:
“Are you coming out with me Mary?”
“Oh, I can’t come out because I am busy John…”
But maybe, if you had no fear, you would have said “I am choosing not to go out with you John!”
So what are the signs of lying?
There are seven universal emotions that are easily recognizable on people’s faces regardless of their culture, age or background:
Whenever we experience an emotion, it is reflected in the expression on our face i.e. our brain sends a signal to the muscles in our face. Some of those expressions are very small – known as “micro-expressions” and last a fleeting moment. Many of us have tried, at one time or another, to hide the way we feel, and as such, we might try to change the expression by forcing a smile or grinning. However, we cannot hide our involuntary micro-expressions.
I have explained before that 55% of all of our communication of feelings and attitudes is done non-verbally (body language – facial expressions, etc.); 38% is the tonality of our voice and only 7% is the actual content – the words. Thus, our body language is the reliable source of what we really intend to say, and not our words. We can speak the words but actually intend a completely different meaning or simply be lying.
For example, when we feel sad or defeated – it is first reflected in our face and the stoop of our body and then in the way we speak. Powerful emotions are hard to hide or disguise. And incidentally, sadness is the most difficult expression to fake. Sometimes, we can try and change the way we feel by changing our posture and body language. However, something interesting happens when we lie, our body automatically expresses the real emotion or the truth: we try to consciously lie and override the truth but our subconscious mind overrides the lie and expresses the truth in our body language.
So for example, if someone tells a lie, they will unknowingly and involuntarily do something else with their body, cough, curl their mouth, wrinkle their nose, touch their nose, and so forth. These are signs that there is also involuntary guilt, shame, regret or some other suppressed emotion. It is as if the brain is rebelling against the lie and it is doing so via the body.
The key to determining if there is deception or truth is to look for congruency – when a person tells the truth or something they believe to be the truth, their body, voice and words match – all three are in sync.
Let’s look at some of the key signs that tell you that someone is lying; When a person is lying or engaging in deceit, regardless of their gender, they will:
- Nod their head in a manner opposite to what they are verbally saying (nodding yes but saying no)
- Use their fingers to block their mouth almost immediately after they have spoken their words
- Claim innocence but then gaze down (as if in shame or guilt)
- Touch or rub their nose or eyes or pull on their ear lobe
- Blink their eyes at an extremely fast rate
- Curl their mouth or wrinkle their nose
- Fidget with their feet or kick out with their feet
- Their pupils dilate due to increased tension, excitement or concentration
- Never answer the actual question; instead they deflect or ask another question
- Try to change the subject and relax or become happier when the subject is changed
- Respond with deliberate, carefully delivered answers
- Respond very quickly (if they have had a chance to rehearse their answer)
- Respond very slowly if they are caught by surprise
- Less hand gestures that are usually used to illustrate a speech or point (when you choose your words carefully, your hand movements go down or decrease)
- Shift their gaze and won’t look you in the eyes or if they are brazen liars they stare you in the eyes for far too long
- Fake a smile in an attempt to deceive (a real smile reveals the teeth and crinkles the corners of the eyes, almost showing ‘crow’s feet’)
- Put their hands in their pockets (a gesture that indicates the desire to hide something or escape)
It’s also important to note here that the above signs to do not apply to a person that really believes their own lie, because they will be acting subconsciously as if they are telling the truth and as such, their body language will reflect that they are telling the truth.
Scientists and other research psychologists will also tell you that there is not one single way to determine if a person is lying, but I disagree. With the exception of those people who believe their own lies, you can tell when someone is lying by listening to your own intuition, by following your gut. When something doesn’t feel right, it almost always is not.
Pamela Meyer is the author of the book “Liespotting” and is a Certified Fraud Examiner and Harvard MBA. Meyer claims that research reveals that:
- Extroverts lie more than introverts
- Men tell more “self-oriented” lies (lies to protect their own feelings)
- Women tell more “other-oriented” lies than men (lies to protect someone else’s feelings)
- Married people lie less frequently to their partners than unmarried people do
- When married people tell lies to their partners, the lies tend to be grand and significant lies
- People feel less guilty when lying to someone who they perceive as a wrongdoer
Finally, I said I would reveal the signs that John Edwards was lying from the beginning about his affair and the child to his mistress. Of course, if you refer to the signs of lying that I revealed above, then the answers are also obvious. If you watch the interview John Edwards gave to Nightline, he says. “I would welcome participating in a paternity test, be happy to participate in one…happy to take a paternity test…” Every time he uses those words, his head nods the opposite way, thus revealing he doesn’t want the test.
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.