Take My Breakup Quiz

Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? How would you like to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my Free Breakup Quiz and get your own personalized report.

10 Ways To Overcome Loneliness, Fear and Panic
It is natural to feel and experience stress and fear during this time. Here are 10 ways to alleviate the stress, overcome loneliness, and neutralize anxiety and panic. Watch the video­­

Ghosting Hurt Michelle

Michelle told me that she and the guy she met on the dating app went out for dinner, they spoke for 2 hours, and she felt they got along so well. “We had a great connection”, she tells me. But the following day and onwards, he fails to respond to any of her communications, and she discovers he blocked her. He ghosted her. Michelle was devastated.

Read on and I reveal the reasons this guy actually ghosted Michelle. First, though, here are 6 reasons why ghosting hurts you so much.

1. Ghosting Hurts You So Much Because It Causes Confusion & Self-Blame – Why?

It is natural that we seek explanations for everything that happens in life; we do that so we can give ourselves a sense of certainty and so that we can trick ourselves into thinking that life is predictable – or even fair. Ghosting, though, hurts because you become confused about the reasons that he/she ghosted you. You just cannot understand ‘why’; and that next creates rumination, anxiety and confusion.

Most people try to answer the question, “Why did he/she ghost me?” with the answer, ‘I am to blame; it must be my fault; I did something wrong; there is something wrong with me…’

Voila! Self-loathing takes over!

2. Ghosting Hurts You So Much Because It Triggers Old Rejection & Betrayal

If you are human, then you have experienced some form of rejection. When someone ghosts you, you feel rejected – unwanted. In turn, the feeling of being rejected can trigger old experiences of being rejected. And if you were cheated on, lied to or betrayed, then when you are ghosted, it can trigger old, painful feelings of betrayal.

3. Ghosting Hurts You So Much Because Rejection Feels Like Physical Pain

Have you ever felt broken-hearted? Did it feel like physical pain? Did it feel like there was an actual pain in your heart? Social rejection feels like physical pain because the brain processes rejection the same way it processes physical pain. Remember, our brains are hardwired for connection (and thus, survival by being in a group or tribe), so the purpose of feeling pain when you feel rejected is to push you towards others, not away.

4. Ghosting Hurts You So Much Because You Do Care About What Others Think About You

New age and trendy influencers teach you to ignore the thoughts and opinions of others, i.e., ‘never take anything personally.’ While that sounds as if it will be empowering, it doesn’t work because we need to connect and belong with others. We are hardwired for connection. If you really don’t care about what anyone else thinks of you, then why even have relationships; why seek to love and be loved? I teach that it is best to seek balance; not everything is black and white: we need approval, recognition, and validation from others. Simply beware if all of your self-value comes from outside of you. So yes, ghosting hurts because your identity is not formed in isolation, and you do care about what others say and think of you!

5. Ghosting Hurts You So Much Because You Tell Yourself It Is So Easy For Them To Do It

This is another form of self-blame and cynicism. He ghosts you and you respond with, ‘He doesn’t care about me or my feelings. I am nothing; I am worthless, and that is why it is so easy for him to ghost me…’

I expand on this point in my response to Michelle below.

6. Ghosting Hurts You Because You Begin To Focus On All The Things Wrong In Your Life – Now Or In The Past

Final reason why ghosting hurts you so much: If you are a person who sees things in black or white, generalizes or catastrophizes, then when someone ghosts you, you will focus on everything that is or has gone wrong in your life. Thus, the pain multiplies – you feel doomed, become more cynical and you isolate yourself or find ways to create huge walls to keep people away from you. In turn, the loneliness hurts even deeper as you feel more helpless and hopeless.

My Response To Michelle Who Was Ghosted

“Michelle, you are blaming yourself and therefore feeling worse about yourself. You are choosing to take responsibility for his actions. You never truly know what the other person is thinking and experiencing. You may have said something that hurt or triggered his pain or fear. And because he lacks the confidence to speak openly to you or because he fears conflict and confrontation, he vanishes, he ghosts you. If he possessed the confidence within himself, then he would tell you openly why he no longer chooses to pursue a potential relationship with you. He thought about himself over you. Do you really want to be with such a person?”

Read more about the psychology of ghosting and the motivations of the Ghoster.

As Michelle told me more of the story and their conversation; it made sense – but did not justify his actions: She had chosen him on the dating app. They went for dinner; he is highly successful and wealthy, and she told him she was broke, without a job or career, and almost homeless. Most likely, he feared she chose him for his money. But even then, we don’t know all of his motivations. Again, if he had the confidence and courage, he could have told her his reasons for not wanting to get closer to her. He was selfish in choosing to ghost her.

If you would like to help to overcome ghosting, betrayal, infidelity, depression, anxiety, stress or to be set free from trauma or some other painful event, do it now gently, easily, and quickly with my SRTT process. Book an SRTT session and be set free from the past.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.

The post 6 Reasons Why Ghosting Hurts You So Much appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

First a quick update: 

The Breakup Quiz

Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? How would you like to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my Free Breakup Quiz and get your own personalized report.

10 Ways To Overcome Loneliness, Fear and Panic

It is natural to feel and experience stress and fear during this time. Here are 10 ways to alleviate the stress, overcome loneliness, and neutralize anxiety and panic. Watch the video­­

The 4-Part Formula To Happiness – It’s not what you think!

What is the one thing that makes you the most miserable?

What is the one thing that makes you the happiest?

Well, here is a study that might state the obvious, but if it does, then why aren’t we all listening and doing what makes us the happiest?

There are 4 things needed to make you happy. Yes, this is the 4-part formula to happiness.

“We find paid work is ranked lower than any of the other 39 activities individuals can report engaging in, with the exception of being sick in bed. Precisely how unhappy one is while working varies significantly with where you work; whether you are combining work with other activities; whether you are alone or with others; and the time of day or night you are working.”

– Susana Mourato and George MacKerron

Killers of The Formula To Happiness

British economists Susana Mourato and George MacKerron conducted research by pinging tens of thousands of people on their smartphones and collecting more than 3 million observations with simple questions such as: Who are you with? What are you doing? How happy are you?

What did they find?

Out of 40 activities, the top one that makes us the most miserable is being sick in bed, and second, is paid work. (Studying is less damaging to happiness than paid work!)

Yes, working at a job you don’t like and/or with people you don’t like makes you miserable.

Out of 27 leisure activities surveyed, social media is the very last in how much happiness it brings. In fact, when researchers paid participants to get off social media and actually socialize with people in person, they found people were happier and reported higher levels of wellbeing!

Boosters of The Formula To Happiness

What makes us all the happiest?

Sex!

Sex, exercise and gardening. But no, that’s not the 4-part formula to happiness!

“On average, study participants are significantly and substantially happier outdoors in all green or natural habitat types than they are in urban environments… We find that individuals are happier in more scenic locations, even when we account for a range of factors such as the activity the individual was engaged in at the time, weather conditions and the income of local inhabitants.”

The 4-part formula to happiness:
Sex, Sunshine, Water and Love.

Love
What the researchers found that a big boost to happiness comes from being with your romantic partner or friends. What about, though, if you are with colleagues, children or acquaintances? No, that doesn’t give you the big boost of happiness.

Weather – Sunshine
People complain when you complain that you are in a bad mood because of the weather. But on days when it is sunny and over 75 degrees, you get another huge boost of happiness!

Water and nature
What are the least happiest cities in the US – according to the survey? New York City, Boston, Los Angeles and San Francisco. What are the happiest places? All of Hawaii!

People reported that they are consistently happier when they are out in nature, wide open spaces and particularly when they are near a body of water and surrounded or immersed in scenic beauty.

Sex
Yes, sex – intimacy and lovemaking – turns out to give a huge boost in happiness!

Putting together the 4-part formula to happiness

Find your love or romantic partner, take her to an island, beach or a boat on the water; choose a sunny day when it is over 75 degrees, and spend the day making love! You’ll be so happy you did!

Notice the theme: connection to someone you love, connection to nature, and the expression of your body and sexuality.

If you are curious about the 40 activities listed in the survey, here they are. Remember, other questions were asked that resulted in the above listed findings.

Activities

Please tick all that apply

Just now, what were you doing?

[ ] Working, studying

[ ] In a meeting, seminar, class

[ ] Travelling, commuting

[ ] Cooking, preparing food

[ ] Housework, chores, DIY

[ ] Admin, finances, organising

[ ] Shopping, errands

[ ] Waiting, queueing

[ ] Childcare, playing with children

[ ] Pet care, playing with pets

[ ] Care or help for adults

[ ] Sleeping, resting, relaxing

[ ] Sick in bed

[ ] Meditating, religious activities

[ ] Washing, dressing, grooming

[ ] Intimacy, making love

[ ] Talking, chatting, socialising

[ ] Eating, snacking

[ ] Drinking tea/coffee

[ ] Drinking alcohol

[ ] Smoking

[ ] Texting, email, social media

[ ] Browsing the Internet

[ ] Watching TV, film

[ ] Listening to music

[ ] Listening to speech/podcast

[ ] Reading

[ ] Theatre, dance, concert

[ ] Exhibition, museum, library

[ ] Match, sporting event

[ ] Walking, hiking

[ ] Sports, running, exercise

[ ] Gardening, allotment

[ ] Birdwatching, nature watching

[ ] Hunting, fishing

[ ] Computer games, iPhone games

[ ] Other games, puzzles

[ ] Gambling, betting

[ ] Hobbies, arts, crafts

[ ] Singing, performing

[ ] Something else

If you suffer from unhappiness, low self-esteem or feeling unworthy or if you have experienced abuse or trauma, you can resolve it rapidly and easily, and be set free of the pain with my SRTT process. Book a one-on-one session with me.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.

The post The 4-Part Formula To Happiness appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

First a quick update: 

The Breakup Quiz

Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? How would you like to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my Free Breakup Quiz and get your own personalized report.

Reliving The Pain Doesn’t Heal The Trauma Or Issue

LMFT Clifton Brantley refers clients to Patrick Wanis for SRTT therapy when they have experienced trauma and explains the success without reliving the pain
Watch the video­­

6 Ways To Attune To Your Partner

What is the most important quality in a relationship?

Trust.

Trust and betrayal are the most important issues in personal and business relationships. Trust adds stability to your relationship and deepens the bond and emotional connection; betrayal destroys your relationship and connection.

Trust is built when you attune to your partner. I will explain below what it means to attune to your partner and how to do that in 6 steps.

What is trust? How can you define trust?

Trust is summed up as the answer to the question: “Are You There for Me”?

Trust is the feeling of safety – ‘I can feel safe knowing that Mary cares for me, my welfare and best interests.’

“Can I trust you to choose me over your friends?”
“Can I trust you to choose my interests over those of your parents?”  
“Can I trust you to care more about this relationship than about yourself?”  
“Can I trust you to be home when you say you will be home?”  
“Can I trust you to be motivated to earn money and create wealth for our family?”
Source: The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. ©Gottman, John M. (2011)

Trust has two key dimensions:
1 What
2 How & Why?

The ‘what’ of trust refers to the contents: truth, honesty, and transparency.

The ‘How & Why’ of trust refers to your partner’s intentions, motives, and actions toward you:

“Just where do I fit into my partner’s motivational scheme?”
“Do I come first in some important sense, compared to other people or my partner’s goal, or do other things take priority over me?”

Dan Yoshimoto created a model as the basis for building trust and the emotional connection: Attunement. When you attune to your partner you build trust. He refers to it as the acronym ATTUNE:

Awareness of your partner’s emotion
Turning toward the emotion of your partner
Tolerance of the two different viewpoints
Understand your partner
Non-defensive responses to your partner
Empathetic response

1. Attune: Awareness

Ask questions, without being impatient or annoyed; avoid “What is it now?” or “With you it’s always something, isn’t it?”

Beware of being dismissive or disapproving about the negative emotion. Remember, everyone has been negatively impacted by things that happened in childhood; be aware of your partner’s sensitivities – avoid triggering pain and instead seek to soothe.

2. Attune: Turning Toward

Communicate with your partner your needs in a positive goal-oriented manner. Instead of telling them what they did wrong (criticizing, blaming), tell them what they can do that is positive: “Here’s what I feel, and here’s what I need from you.”

3. Attune: Tolerance

Tolerance does not imply agreement, compliance, or adopting your partner’s perspective as your own. Tolerance suggests that you are open to listening and learning about your partner’s perspective.

Instead of arguing about the facts, you become tolerant of your partner’s perceptions and their emotions; you accept your partner’s emotions, and they accept yours. Again, tolerance does not imply you accept all behaviors; you accept the way your partner perceives what happened, and you create the opportunity for each of you to process those emotions.

When you attune to your partner, you create harmony and deepen the love and mutual trust!

4. Attune: Understanding

When you choose to understand your partner, you listen to your partner without interrupting and without an agenda to change, give advice, correct or guide your partner. You patiently listen and seek to know your partner, their emotions and their perspectives. And yes, of course, you will share yours after you have heard theirs.

Further, you avoid the natural reaction to take responsibility for their emotions, and you avoid trying to stop them from feeling pain or crying: “Please help me understand what the tears are all about.”

Remember, your partner may not yet fully understand him/herself. Again, be patient and be willing to revisit the experience until you can both fully understand yourselves and your responses, as well as process fully the emotions.

5. Attune: Non-Defensive Listening

How do you usually respond to your partner when the emotions are intense or negative? Most likely you become defensive, or you feel a flood of your own emotions. This is natural, and it is overcome by developing the skill of reducing your defensiveness. Remember, being defensive can be driven by the feeling of guilt or self-blame, not knowing how to respond to high emotions, or seeking to be right.

Focus on your desire to love and protect your partner. Again, listen and seek to understand their perspective and their experience. Beware of taking everything personally. What is happening for your partner? Why do they see it this way? Listen patiently and breathe so that your defensiveness does not control you! Maximize agreement and seek common ground.

6. Attune: Empathy

You have probably noticed the overarching theme thus far in the strategy of Attune: understanding your partner. The next step is to offer empathy and compassion. Empathy consists of being able to understand what the person is feeling & experiencing, and to actually feel it as well. Compassion is feeling someone else’s pain and choosing to take action to relieve it.

Here comes the challenge, earlier I encouraged you to listen without trying to solve the problem and to listen without trying to stop the person from what they are feeling. (See the paragraph on Understanding.) Now, I am encouraging you to also express compassion, which is about releasing the pain.

That sounds like a contradiction.

What matters here is that you know when to allow your partner to feel, express and process the emotion, and when it is more beneficial to help them release the pain – particularly if you are the one that contributed to that pain.

Act to validate your partner: “It makes sense to me that you would have these feelings, and needs, because….” Validation is about communicating to your partner that they and their expression is worthy and therefore valid or valuable. 

Attune To Your Partner To Build Trust: Summary

If you struggle to remember all of the above suggested strategies, then simply remember this summary of Attune or emotional Attunement with your partner: see, understand and validate your partner! Listen patiently, accept and validate your partner’s emotions, don’t take it personally and offer compassion by seeking to understand your partner and what drives them. We all want to be seen, heard, understood and validated!

If you have experienced betrayal or if you are trying to build trusts, or if you suffer from low self-esteem or feeling unworthy or if you have experienced abuse or trauma, you can resolve it rapidly and easily, and be set free of the pain with my SRTT process. Book a one-on-one session with me.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.

The post Attune To Your Partner To Build Trust appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to like to reveal steps towards recovering and mourning a breakup or loss of a relationship.

How To Recover From Mourning A Breakup Or Loss Of A Relationship

First a quick update:  

The Breakup Test

Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? How would you like to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.

How Do You Solve Problems? By Adding More?

Do you think of adding or removing when trying to solve a problem? A new study reveals the default mode to problem solving is to add even when it is not the right solution. Why is more always more? Read the article with my quotes and insights.

Are You Feeling Guilty Or Ashamed?

Do you feel guilty or ashamed for something you have done or for your past relationship or Ex? Do you know the difference between guilt and shame? Watch the video and learn how to overcome guilt and shame.

Now, let’s talk about steps towards recovering and mourning a breakup or loss of a relationship.

Have you noticed that most of what we learn to do is to acquire things, and yet we struggle so deeply to let go of things and relationships? We struggle with the loss of a relationship because we are not taught to deal with change, with endings and loss. Therefore, we are not prepared or skilled in responding to the breakup or ending of a relationship.

To recover from the mourning of a breakup, you must take a certain set of actions and change your attitude and mindset. You will, inevitably experience anger, frustration, hopelessness, and many other negative emotions.

One of the key emotions that people experience when there is a breakup or loss of a relationship (or any  loss for that matter) is guilt, and sometimes guilt is appropriate because it represents our conscience and alignment with our values. Whenever we look back upon any relationship, we will find somewhere, somehow that we did something wrong; we were lacking. “If only I had…why didn’t I…?”

On the other hand, sometimes we will avoid feeling the pain of guilt or, we will run from guilt towards blame. In other words, we will focus on blaming the other person for the relationship outcome or breakup primarily as a way of avoiding feeling and facing our own guilt.

It is also natural to experience anger along with the sense of isolation or loneliness. There is always sadness when there is loss or change. And whenever there is a breakup or loss of a relationship, there is also a huge chunk of identity that is ripped out. That shattered identity is often experienced as emptiness. Thus, you think to yourself, “Who am I without this person?” This is a natural question. And the deeper the bond and stronger and more entwined together your lives were, the greater the gaping hole of emptiness will be.

It’s critical to be really weary of thinking that you have fully recovered and that you are over the loss, and everything is just fine.

“I’ve always thought that some of the things people suffer most from are the things they tell themselves that are not true.” – Elvin Semrad

What truth do you need to face and accept?

Remember, what makes the grieving and mourning so much worse is the way that you react to the loss. It’s critical to accept the pain, the disappointment, the frustration, and the heartache that is being caused by the end of this relationship. It is your choice to take full responsibility for what you feel. That begins with identifying, labeling, and accepting all of the emotions that you are experiencing. I teach, “You are allowed to feel whatever you feel.” You cannot heal without accepting and validating what you feel. The next critical step is your choice about what you will do with that feeling: will you face it, exaggerate it or release it (via understanding, compassion and acceptance?)

Notice, too, the way that you are running away from feeling and experiencing those emotions, from confronting the pain of the loss.

How do most people escape the pain of a breakup or loss?

Food, alcohol, drugs, workaholism, shopping, obsessive behaviors such as surfing the internet endlessly, bingeing on TV movies or shows or sex.

Think now about a former loss. How did you deal with it? How did you in the past deal with loss and grief? What is your default mode of response to loss and grief? And how did that help you or not? Be willing to be completely honest and open with yourself to admit the way your current behaviors, responses and reactions are making it worse for you the move through the grieving process.

You are probably still stuck in this empty space where there has been no closure. It’s not always possible to get the closure in the way you want or expect. Perhaps the relationship has ended and the other person is dead or won’t communicate with you or perhaps he/she doesn’t really know how to explain their motivations or doesn’t have any interest in doing so.

Closure must come from within you.

It’s up to you to seek understanding, acceptance and compassion for yourself as well as for the other person. What are you refusing to accept about yourself or the role you played in this relationship? And even if you did play a key role that destroyed the relationship, then the responsibility and onus is still upon you to move to acceptance and forgiveness of yourself.

“When people are having trouble loving currently, it’s because they have an old love that they’ve never given up” – Elvin Semrad

You have the choice to acknowledge, bear and keep in perspective the painful emotions and effects of the breakup or loss. It is up to you to stop, look, listen, and stop running from yourself and life. It is up to you to harness open-mindedness, willingness, and courage. Don’t expect to do this on your own. You will need help, and the more you are willing to open, be vulnerable and allow others to help, support, comfort and accept you, the easier your recovery will be from the breakup or loss of the relationship.

Beware, too, of the dangerous myths regarding loss and grieving.

All relationships are unique, as you are, too, and therefore the recovery  process is unique for each person. If you would like help professional help to heal the mourning and breakup, or to overcome guilt or shame, book a one-on-one session with me.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.

The post Mourning A Breakup Or Loss Of A Relationship appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.

The post Two Signs That Your Relationship Is Over appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the 5 signs that it is time to end your relationship.

5 The Signs That Reveal You Should End The Relationship or Marriage

First a quick update:  

The Breakup Test

Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? How would you like to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.

Heal Your Issues With SRTT

All of us have issues. Not all of us can let them go. Imagine a process that helps you to heal your unresolved issues! A process that gets to the root cause of the issue and relieves you without reliving the pain or trauma. This process is my unique SRTT – Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique. Watch the video. https://youtu.be/L6zN49UpADw

Now, let’s talk about the 5 signs that it is time to end your relationship.

Do you have doubts about your relationship – where it is right now and where it is going; do you really have a future together?

While there are specific parameters which highlight or predict that your relationship will succeed or fail, it can all be summed up quite simply: The way you speak about each other.

The way you speak about each other reveals the deeper emotions and beliefs you have about each other. And it also indicates if it is time to end your relationship.

Shocking as it is, women initiate divorce more than men. Women initiate sixty-nine percent of all divorces, and college educated women initiate ninety percent of divorces. However, in non-marital relationships men and women equally initiate the breakup. It is possible that the difference is that non-marital relationships are built on different expectations and agreements than traditional marriages. Accordingly, perhaps women are happier in non-marital relationships.  Source: https://www.asanet.org/press-center/press-releases/women-more-likely-men-initiate-divorces-not-non-marital-breakups

The Way We Were

When you speak about your relationship to yourself or to others, and when you are thinking about the history of your relationship together, are you cherishing or trashing your partner? In other words, do you focus on the good times over the bad? Do you accentuate the successes over the failures? Do you focus on your partner’s positive traits over their negative or annoying traits?

Kim T. Buehlman, John M. Gottman, and Lynn Fainsilber Katz of the University of Washington conducted research and oral interviews with married couples to predict the dissolution or divorce of a marriage: “How a Couple Views Their Past Predicts Their Future: Predicting Divorce from an Oral History Interview.” Source: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/232601072_How_a_Couple_Views_Their_Past_Predicts_Their_Future_Predicting_Divorce_from_an_Oral_History_Interview

Known as the Buehlman Scoring, they presented a five-dimension assessment to predict the death of a relationship; it can also be used to tell you if it is time to end the relationship.

Alarm – Danger Ahead

I believe that this alone is the  strongest indicator that your relationship is extremely unhealthy: The way your body responds.

As you verbally or mentally describe your partner and relationship, do you notice your heart rate is up, your chest is tight, your breath is shallow, you are tense, nervous, agitated or you feel highly stressed?

If yes, your body is responding to the unhappiness within the relationship. This is called Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA) which is your body’s general alarm mechanism. It is also known as ‘flooding’ because you feel overwhelmed or flooded with wide-ranging stimuli that is also harmful to your health. This alone reveals that it is time to end your relationship

This physiological reactivity (akin to fight-or-flight response) will, in turn, also further negatively impact your behavior and the way you interact with your partner. DPA prevents you from thinking clearly. It creates disorganized behavior and hypervigilance whereby you see things as even worse than they perhaps are. In turn, you react to arguments and other occurrences as ‘threats’ thereby worsening the initial flooding or physiological reactivity.

Here are the five signs that reveal whether or not your relationship will survive; they are also effective indicators that it is time to end your relationship. They were designed as open-ended questions to describe and reveal the way you tell the story of your relationship. Below I have created these questions as a way to help you to identify the health of your relationship.

1. Fondness and Admiration

As you speak about your partner, do you express “warmth, affection, and respect for each other” or do you highlight the negative? Do you give compliments and express pride in your partner? Do you adore your wife/girlfriend? (Did you know that women want to be adored over being loved?)

2. Me-ness vs. We-ness

Do you speak more about ‘we’ or ‘me’? Do you function well as a unit, as a couple? Do you communicate with your spouse about your problems, or do your viewpoints clash so strongly that you cannot communicate? Do you feel lonely or isolated, lacking in support from your partner or from others?

3. Knowing your partner

How well do you know your partner? Do you understand your partner sufficiently to relate what makes them tick, what is important to them, their values, and what affects them positively and negatively, or have you lost the connection? Are you emotionally intimate? Do you trust and are you vulnerable with each other?

4. Glorifying Your Struggles

Do you speak of the struggles you overcame in a positive manner? Do you refer to the way that you grew and learned from them, became more strongly committed with deeper mutual trust, and shared meaning and purpose? Do you describe the way you were/are as chaotic but yet, still feel hopeful and close? Do you struggle to solve problems together? Do you feel out of control?

5. Disappointment vs. Satisfaction

Are you satisfied with the way your relationship is evolving or are you disappointed that it is not what you expected? Do you express negativity about the relationship? Do you feel cynical about your future? Are you belligerent (often a male response) or contemptuous and angry towards your partner (often a female response)? Are you defensive, stubborn, or withdraw (often a male response)? When describing your relationship, do you feel depressed, hopeless, or defeated?

Review your answers, and notice where you are in these 5 areas. When there is contempt, anger, belligerence, a negative view of your partner and the relationship (past and present), an inability to communicate and solve problems and differences, then you are most likely at the point of no return. It is time to end your relationship.

If you would like help professional help to deal with changes within your relationship or to heal the past and resolve your issues, book a one-on-one session with me.

 

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.

The post The 5 Signs That Reveal It is Time To End Your Relationship appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.

The post Dealing With The Divorce Of Your Friends – Do You Take Sides? appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the 10 factors that change people and relationships, and 3 ways to prepare and deal with the change.

10 Things That Change You & Your Relationships – 3 Ways To Deal With The Change

First a quick update:  

The Breakup Test

Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? How would you like to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.

Would You Date Yourself?

Rapid Dating Tips 101 is a series of short videos with gold dating nuggets. In this episode, I challenge you to check your motivations for dating and your readiness for dating. Are you dateworthy? Would You Date Yourself? Watch the video.

Now, let’s talk about the 10 factors that change people and relationships, and 3 ways to prepare and deal with the change.

Have you heard this or said it yourself: “We broke up because we changed…We wanted different things in life”?

People do change; people evolve or even devolve; people’s values change.

And it is the change that either strengthens the relationship or tears it apart.

The lack of change can create the same result: “We broke up because he wouldn’t change”

Yes, that also occurs; women often expect the man to change, to evolve.

Perhaps the man is the same person he was from the beginning, and now his partner or spouse has changed, and she doesn’t want him to be the same as he was years ago; she expects him to evolve. Or perhaps, he has changed, and she doesn’t like the change, and now she demands that he change or be another way.

The point is that when you enter into a relationship, you must expect, be prepared and know how to handle the change, otherwise the relationship will fall apart.

10 Factors that create change

The person you begin the relationship with today is not going to be the same person in 5 or 10 years.

Life demands change. It demands flexibility and the capacity to ably respond to the challenges. As life happens, your values, beliefs and goals are tested; and they change or evolve. As life happens, your partner’s values, beliefs and goals are also tested.

Are you the same person you were 5 years ago? Are you the same person you were prior to the Covid-19 Pandemic?

You cannot predict the changes that will come; you can, though, be aware of these 10 factors that greatly impact relationships, sometimes ending relationships.

1. Aging

As you age, you will be physically weaker or have less energy and drive, therefore you might no longer be interested in or able to do some of the things you used to do or loved doing. Physiological and hormonal changes will also impact mood and behavior.

2. Children

When you have children, your available free time will diminish; your time for each other will lessen; you will be tired or tied up. Raising children will also trigger  your own unresolved issues.

The financial challenge of raising children will also impact the relationship, and it will affect your priorities and freedom. Depending on the age of your children, there will be fewer opportunities to be as romantic as you were prior to having children. You will also both be challenged to agree on the way to raise your children.

3. Work & Career

Your work might require you to move town, city, state or even country. Your work might require you to work night shifts, late nights or early mornings. You might lose your job or you might lose on an investment and the loss will cause a chain reaction according to its severity. Today, many couples are working from home in ‘forced togetherness.’

4. Illness

An illness in your immediate family or the need to take care of elderly parents will also change you – at least in terms of time, responsibilities, and priorities.

“The person you begin the relationship with today is not going to be the same person in 5 or 10 years.“

5. Death and Loss

A death in the family can rip the marriage apart or make it stronger. The death of a child particularly due to an accident or a crime can bring about guilt, blame or even survivor’s guilt.

6. Accidents

An accident can impact finances, health and mobility.

7. Religion

When you enter a relationship, you are both hopefully clear about your religious beliefs – they are part of your values. However, your partner might change his or her beliefs – either moving towards or away from religion. In some instances, a partner changes religion and this, too, tests the relationship.

8. Politics

2020 saw extraordinary upheavals across the world, and many people changed their political alliances, ideologies, and beliefs.

9. Psychological Issues

Relationships trigger unresolved issues – insecurities, self-doubt, anxieties, feelings of lack of worthiness or unlovability, fears of abandonment or rejection, anger and so forth. These issues will change you and impact the relationship. The same applies to your partner.

10. Sexual Orientation & Gender Identification

You or your partner might awaken to declare that you have different sexual orientation or that you never identified with your gender. Albeit surprising, married couples have stayed together even after one of them chose to undergo surgery for gender reassignment.

3 Ways To Deal With and Minimize The Impact of Change

You cannot predict the change that will occur to you or your partner over the coming years; you cannot prevent the change. You can simply try to minimize the impact of change three ways:

1. Identify The Truth:

Discuss everything before you commit or marry; have the tough, uncomfortable conversations about the sensitive topics. Remove the sensitivity or fear of topics by facing them and opening talking about them and the way you feel. Establish common and shared values. Be honest and fully open. If you have doubts, speak about them now!

2. Communicate During Your Relationship:

Don’t ignore the gut feelings, the red flags, the fears, the hunches or your own uncomfortable thoughts or feelings about yourself or what is happening in the relationship. Talk to each other. Be willing to debate and argue the important things. Express emotional intimacy.

3. Master conflict:

Practice and develop your skills in conflict resolution. There will be conflict; you need the conflict to learn about each other, and you need to be able to deal well with it. You need to accept that there will not be consensus, but your focus will be to allow the other person to be fully heard, understood, and validated. That means you will not always agree but you will not attack each other. Instead, you will debate and argue the topic passionately and ensure you listen and seek to understand your partner. 

If you would like help professional help to deal with changes within your relationship or to heal the past and resolve your issues, book a one-on-one session with me.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.

The post People Change: 10 Things That Change You & Your Relationships appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the 6 wrong reasons to marry or enter into a relationship.

Did You Get Together For The Wrong Reasons? The 6 Wrong Reasons To Marry

First a quick update:  

The Breakup Test

Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? How would you like to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.

How To Overcome Anxiety

Every one of us is facing great challenges during this crisis. Anxiety is one of them! Here are simple but effective strategies to overcome anxiety now. Watch my video to learn how to neutralize anxiety by dealing with the thoughts and your physiology

Now, let’s talk about the 6 wrong reasons to marry or enter into a relationship.

Did you get together with your partner or ex for the wrong reasons?

Did you know that the top cause of breakups is arguments?

Arguments that are the result of partnering for the wrong reasons – the wrong motivations – the wrong values.

Here are the top 6 wrong reasons people get married – along with their antidote.

1. Pressure – friends, family, peers, society or religion demand that you be married or in a relationship

You are not actually thinking about love, compatibility, shared values, shared goals and dreams or emotional intimacy. You are only thinking about the commitment – to build a life together but the commitment is not authentic because you are doing it to please other people, to get approval or to avoid criticism and rebuke.

Antidote: Whose life is it? Yours or theirs? Remind yourself that you are pleasing them now, but they will be even less agreeable and approving when you breakup or divorce. And you will struggle before they give their blessing to end the marriage i.e. you will suffer for years in order to please them!

2. Loneliness – feeling alone, isolated, disconnected or left out

Again, you are not actually thinking about love, compatibility, shared values, shared goals and dreams or emotional intimacy. You simply don’t want to be alone anymore, and you want the loneliness to end. You are seeking a friend and companion but settling for an incompatible roommate or coparent whom you will be tied to for the rest of your life, and who cannot ever truly fill the inner emptiness.

Antidote: Resolve the inner issues that create the feelings of loneliness. Place more energy and focus on love and finding the suitable partner. Don’t make your partner or spouse responsible for your happiness.

Compatibility refers to temperament, character, love languages, timing, stages of life, skills in conflict resolution, and values.

3. Insecurity/Personal Unhappiness – unresolved issues

You don’t feel good about yourself; you don’t feel worthy or good enough. You hope and expect that once you are in a relationship or married, that all of the unhappiness and self-loathing (emotional pain or subconscious reasons you think you are not lovable or good enough) will dissolve or disappear. Instead, you become even more miserable because your partner cannot heal you and actually triggers your issues and pain. Now you have more problems than before because you also have to deal with the misery from the unsatisfying relationship.

Antidote: Heal your unresolved issues. It is much easier to do it now on your own than when you have additional responsibilities and dependents. If you are in the relationship, still make your priority your healing and emotional freedom.

4. Financial security – an easy life, someone to take care of you

Perhaps you don’t want to work or have a career and are simply looking for someone to take care of you financially or, you want someone who will give you financial security by paying for everything or at least for enough so you don’t have to worry about being autonomous and independent. Olga married a man for financial security only. She got a mansion and luxurious cars and things. Four years later they live on opposite sides of the mansion arguing, and truly miserable as they try to raise two children.

Antidote: Focus on creating financial security or at least ensure that the financial security is another reason that you choose to be together (along with love, passion, emotional intimacy, shared values and objectives, mutual admiration and care, etc.)

5. Lack of fulfillment/Image

You feel that you and your life will be incomplete without a partner, and without a partner right now! Worse, you believe that you have to prove something and therefore your partner needs to fit criteria that will enhance your image such as social status, looks, age, power, influence or the list of the ‘perfect match.’ Perhaps you feel that you are a failure without a partner or you need someone to fulfill your needs to have a family and so you chose your partner based on one criteria alone – the wrong one.

Antidote: Love and compatibility do not relate nor are the direct result of ‘image’ or social status. Choose someone whom you truly want to be with; someone who shares your values and dreams, engages in emotional intimacy, is mutually supportive and will commit to building a life together and maintaining and growing the love for each other.

6. Infatuation/Youthful love

Infatuation is the chemical attraction with a twist – you think about the passion and excitement and how you feel around him/her but you don’t actually care about the person; you care more about owning, controlling or possessing them because you feel good and turned on with them. Perhaps you are ‘hopelessly in love’ and you think love is all you need. You have fooled yourself into thinking, ‘We love each other, so when we get married that will solve and end all of our current arguments; let’s just get married and everything will be alright.’

Antidote: Love isn’t enough for a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Again, you need more than the passion, you need compatibility, shared values, shared goals and dreams, emotional intimacy, mutual admiration and care. Do you truly want your partner to become the best version of him or herself?

As you review once more the list of the wrong reasons to marry or have a relationship, you will notice that the first key is healing your unresolved issues and the second key is knowledge about what is needed for a healthy, fulfilling relationship. If you would like help to heal the past, book a one-on-one session with me.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.

The post Did You Get Together For The Wrong Reasons? Beware of The Top 6 Wrong Reasons To Marry appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal,

One thing that will help you to find closure following a relationship breakup or divorce.

First a quick update:  

The Breakup Test

Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? How would you like to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.

Are You Feeling Guilty Or Ashamed?

Do you feel guilty or ashamed for something you have done or for your past relationship or Ex? Do you know the difference between guilt and shame? Watch the video and learn how to overcome guilt and shame.

Now, let’s talk about one thing that will help you to find closure following a relationship breakup or divorce.

More than 4,000 people have taken my free online Breakup Test (it is still running if you haven’t yet taken it – free breakup test)

The second question in my Breakup Test explores the way that people breakup; did you break up in-person, via text, email, social media or ghosting, and, what was the emotional impact (amicable, highly emotional or argumentative.) More than 45% or men and 50% of women stated that regardless of the way they broke up, there was still no closure.

In this article, I am going to reveal to you one thing that I have noticed that holds people back from getting closure – and it is not the answer to “Why?”

First, what is closure?

Finding closure in a relationship simply means bringing the relationship to an end – and on all levels – mental, physical and emotional. It is about closing the door and feeling at ease; not turning back each time to try to reopen the door and looking or hoping either to find something that is not there or for something that no longer exists or perhaps never existed.

This leads to the one thing that I believe aids you in achieving closure: neutralizing expectations.

Perhaps you have already gotten the answer to your plaguing question, “Why?”

Why did he cheat?

Why did she not love me?

Why was I not good enough?

Why was I not the priority?

Why did we argue so much?

Why did I choose this person?

Why did I stay in the relationship for so long?

Why do I keep making the same mistakes?

The answer to “why?” is powerful and beneficial if you can get it, and of course, if it is accurate, insightful, and if you choose to learn from it. Remember, too though, that it is not always possible to receive the answer to that question because your ex might not even know ‘why.’

Demanding to know ‘why’, is also an expectation.

What truly paralyzes you following a breakup is any continuing expectation that you have of your ex and perhaps of yourself.

The relationship or marriage is over, and yet still here you are expecting that person to change, expecting that person to apologize or to accept responsibility for their actions and for the outcome of the relationship.

Pause now and ask yourself, “What do I expect of him? What do I want from him?” (Wanting something is also a form of expectation – you expect him/her to fulfill something for you.)

Again, what are you expecting?

Are you expecting him to change?

Are you expecting an apology?

Are you expecting an explanation?

Are you expecting compensation?

Are you expecting forgiveness?

Are you expecting him to still love you?

Are you expecting things to go back to normal?

Are you expecting her to come running back to you?

Are you expecting that he/she will suddenly change their mind and get back together?

Are you expecting that he will suffer without you so that you will feel better about yourself?

Now consider, what impact and effect do any of your expectations have on you?

In what way are they helping you or are they just creating pain, anguish, rumination, depression, isolation, sadness, obsession, rumination and so forth?

Are these expectations helping you to move forward and grow and find love again or are they paralyzing or strangling you?

Most of the expectations we have of other people are driven by perfectionism (the need or belief that people must be perfect) or by the desire to change/control other people.

Sometimes when we cannot control our own emotions, we seek to control other people’s behaviors. Other times, we try to control other people hoping that it will fill the inner emptiness or convince us that we are good enough and lovable.

Also, women are often driven by a desire to nurture, and therefore they fall in love with the potential of a man, foolishly thinking they can change him. You cannot!

Achieving closure requires that you become aware of your expectations, determine whether or not they are helping or hindering you, and then choose to neutralize or release those expectations.

If your expectation is of yourself and it involves learning and growing such as “Why did I choose this person…why did I lack self-care and self-respect…why did I stay  so long in an unhappy/abusive relationship?” then seek help to find those answers, to uncover their subconscious motivations & origins, and to release the painful experiences and to create new beliefs that support you not sabotage you!  You can get that help by booking a one-on-one session with me.

If you still want to read more about closure:
https://www.patrickwanis.com/6-steps-finding-closure/ (2012) and https://www.patrickwanis.com/find-closure-breakup-6-steps/ (2017)

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D. Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.

The post Closure – Closing The Door On Your Ex appeared first on Patrick Wanis.