In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the pain of hiding yourself in relationships by being fake and inauthentic because you fear rejection.
First a quick update:
The Breakup Test
Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? How would you like to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.
20 Signs You Are Being Gaslighted!
Psychological Abuse by Narcissists & Sociopaths comes in many forms. One is known as gaslighting: Psychological abuse – manipulating someone to doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. Watch the video. https://youtu.be/6X5JncWXMo0
“I was attached to my husband for years (I think it was probably my need to have the attachment I didn’t have as a child) and during that time I felt like he literally treated me like his child. I grew tired of being so dependent and when I started being authentic to myself, our relationship began to fall apart. It hurts to see that he doesn’t like the real me.”
He never fell in love with the real you because you never showed him the real you; he fell in love with the mask you put on, the fake image you created for yourself. You were afraid to be yourself; you played the role of a child – submissive, helpless and dependent; and he played the role of parent/authority/control figure. Why would you be surprised that he didn’t agree with ending the role-playing? You chose attachment over authenticity. Had you begun with authenticity, you might have had a different outcome; you might have even married a different man – someone who likes and loves you for who you are, not who you think they wanted you to be. You might have experienced love instead of toxicity.
What about you?
In relationships, do you choose attachment over authenticity?
In other words, do you choose to be fake or false so that you can not lose the other person? Do you become what they want you to be and hide your real self out of fear of rejection? Do you even know who you really are? Are you connected to your emotions? Do you even know what you feel?
One of my principal teachings about relationships is the critical need for you to know who you are: What are your needs, wants, desires, values, personality, character, dreams, passion, and purpose?
When you choose to be fake or false, you will eventually be rejected and not for the person you really are, but for the person you pretended to be.
When you choose to be inauthentic you can never truly know who you are because you focus your time and energy being who you think they want you to be rather than who you actually are and what you want and need; you live from a place of fear and you repress your thoughts, emotions and being.
It is exhausting and unsatisfying playing someone you are not. It is exhausting trying to be someone else or to live up to other people’s expectations. And the pain of being inauthentic leads to emotional and mental pain, as well as physical illness.
Yes, when you are vulnerable and thus authentic – true to yourself, your values, thoughts, emotions and your full expression without the fear of conformity – you take the risk of being rejected. But do you want to be loved for you or for the image you portray?
You want a relationship where you feel fully embraced. How can you do that when you already reject your true self?
You want to belong, to love and be loved. How can you do that when you are fake?
You want to be accepted. How can you feel accepted when the person they are accepting is not the real you?
You want your needs met. How can you do that when you refuse or are afraid to state your needs?
You want to be heard, understood, and validated. How can you do that when you don’t share or reveal yourself?
You want to be seen, to be fully seen. How can you do that when you won’t show yourself?
You want to be wholly loved. How can you do that when you are diluting yourself?
I understand the fear of being authentic; it is the fear that says, ‘If I reveal my whole self, if I express all of my feelings and thoughts, they will reject me or cast me aside, cast me outside; I will be alone, lonely and disconnected.’
That subconscious belief begins in childhood; it begins with the experience of being rejected by parents or other caretakers or even being bullied or having experienced trauma. Subsequently, a twisted definition of love is created: ‘I can only be loved if I do or be a certain way; I cannot be loved for being me.’
Eventually, after years of being a manufactured person, you forget or lose all sense of who you really are, what you truly feel and what you truly desire and need to feel alive and to fully express yourself. You don’t even know what your true identity is because you have only ever known the counterfeit, manufactured identity.
The pathway to freedom, to being vulnerable, intimate and authentic, to building deep connection, belonging and loving and being loved is actually possible. You can reprogram yourself by removing all of the masks and discovering or uncovering your real identity, revealing the person you are at your core, and experiencing this unique yet peaceful feeling of being ‘home.’ This is the work I do with my clients, this is how I help to set them free from the past, to help them become the best version of themselves, and to reveal it to the world, to celebrate their authentic self, in its fullest expression.
If you would like help to heal the past and be free and express the real you, book a one-on-one session with me.
You can add to the conversation below.
I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.