Why Don’t You Talk To Your Partner First?

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the significance of being open in your relationship and talking first with your partner rather than bad-mouthing them to your friends.

First a quick update:  

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Now, let’s talk about the significance of being open in your relationship and talking first with your spouse rather than bad-mouthing them to your friends .

Marie and Jason are in a long-distance relationship. “He drove off mad, and he didn’t call me on his drive home of 3 hours, and he hasn’t called me for days. Oh, and I know he was talking to someone for hours because I saw on his WhatsApp profile that he was online.”

‘Marie, why are you telling me this? Hang up from me and call him. Have this conversation with him. Ask him why he hasn’t called you in many days; and ask yourself the same question – why haven’t you called him in many days? You need to communicate with your boyfriend; you need to speak with each other about the things that are bothering or worrying you so that you can resolve it.’

The reason Marie does not open up and speak with her boyfriend is because she does not trust him. Trust does not simply refer to loyalty and fidelity; it also refers to knowing that you can depend upon the other person to honor and protect your vulnerabilities and fears and to accept and support you as well as to be fully forthcoming with you about whatever is happening in the relationship.

There can be no secrets. There can be no withholding. There can be no deceit.

A rapid way to destroy and undermine your relationship as well as your respect for your partner is to vent or complain about him/her to others instead of having that conversation with your partner. In other words, you trust your friends more than you trust your spouse or partner. That is another way that emotional cheating begins: you cry on your friend’s shoulder, you become vulnerable to him/her, and next you are becoming emotionally closer to him/her than your partner or spouse.

Further, most of your friends’ advice will be to tell you what they think you want to hear. For example, they might put your spouse or partner down or tell you that you deserve better, thinking that they are supporting you or being loyal to you. Rarely, will they challenge you to question yourself: Are you expressing your insecurities – jealousy, fear of abandonment, rejection or betrayal? Are you fulfilling your responsibilities? Are you being trusting with him/her?

When you choose to speak openly with your partner about everything that worries or concerns you, you both become more open with each other, and you become less suspicious and more trusting. Remember, secrets divide you!

You want your partner to be open, to be transparent, intimate, and vulnerable with you, don’t you?

Well, are you doing the same with him or her

You will hear women often say, “He just doesn’t communicate.”

What they are actually saying is, ‘He doesn’t tell me much about what is going on with him; he doesn’t share a lot about himself; he isn’t vulnerable or emotionally intimate.’

I define communication as sharing – the sharing of one’s emotions, thoughts, feelings, ideas and so forth. Effective communication also involves listening and responding. Thus, effective communication also entails the sharing and exchange of information.

Are you sharing what you feel? Are you being transparent and sharing your fears or concerns? Are you sharing your fears or pain with your partner? Are you sharing what truly bothers you?

Intimacy is ‘into-me-you-see.’ Intimacy is the action of being open and transparent – hiding nothing and revealing all of yourself.

 

Remember, you cannot be emotionally intimate or vulnerable with your partner when you withhold information or your feelings. You cannot bond and connect deeply when you hide things or keep secrets from your partner.

You want to build and develop greater trust in your relationship, don’t you?

What are you doing to build trust?

If you are waiting for your partner or friend to earn your trust, ask yourself, ‘What does that even mean?’

Are you saying that when and only when your partner is vulnerable with you will you then choose to trust him? What happens then, if he is thinking the same thing, waiting for you to first be vulnerable?

Vulnerability is the choice to open and expose yourself without any guarantees, without the guarantee that it will be fully reciprocated.

Are you saying that you can only trust your spouse/partner when he/she proves himself to you? In what way?

Conversely, are you trustworthy? Are you reliable, dependable, honest, and forthcoming? Do you keep your word and promises?

Finally, the more you choose to accept full responsibility for all of your actions and all of your thoughts and feelings, the easier it will be for you to be open, vulnerable and transparent in your relationship and the easier it will be for your partner to reciprocate because he/she will also feel safer with you.

If you would like help to heal the past and be free and express the real you, book a one-on-one session with me.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist