Take the test – 5 languages of love

5 languages of love explained Chapman

The 5 languages of love explained

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the 5 languages of love, and help you and your partner to determine your language of love.

 

 

First a quick update:

 

****  “Cheating – time to confront the other woman?” – You learn that your partner is cheating; do you also confront the other guilty party — the “Other Woman” or man? Emotional Mojo TV show hosts Michelle Yarn, Jada Jackson, Tara Gidus and I discuss cheating and the benefits and dangers of confronting the “Other Woman/Man.” Jada Jackson argues it empowers the other woman while I argue that by confronting the other woman she might stop pursuing your husband. Watch the TV interview here: https://youtu.be/xYcc5mtuBaw

 

 

Now, let’s talk about the 5 languages of love, and help you and your partner to determine your language of love.

 

Have you ever stopped and wondered what it takes for you to feel loved, truly loved?

 

Of course, the simple response from most people is “unconditional acceptance.”

 

But in a relationship, acceptance is not enough to feel loved on a daily basis.

 

Love is an expression and therefore it has a language – a form of communicating and expressing.

 

Each one of us feels love and feels loved in different ways. Some people want to hear the words “I love you” while others want to feel love with physical touch. Accordingly, a couple may truly love each other but they might not feel each other’s love if it is not expressed in their own individual language.

 

When I teach seminars on communication, influence and persuasion, I reveal that the number one key to effective communication and influencing or persuading others is: understanding the other person – and that requires speaking their language.

In a relationship, to get your needs met, your partner must also understand and speak your language.

 

Ask yourself:

 

  1. How do I express love to others?
  2. What do I complain about the most?
  3. What do I request most often?

 

Gary Chapman is a relationship counselor and director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants, Inc. In his book, “The 5 Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate”, Chapman identifies what he believes to be the 5 complete ways that we express love and that we feel love and loved.

 

These “love languages” can be applied to all relationships and they can strengthen bonds with children.

 

Below are the 5 languages of love as defined by Gary Chapman along with my own tips:

 

 

  1. Words of Affirmation

“Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, ‘I love you,’ are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. You thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build you up.”

 

Tip: If this is your partner’s love language, be aware that words are very powerful to him/her. Speak kind words, be wary of criticism. Give compliments daily but sincerely.

 

 

 

  1. Quality Time

“In Quality Time, nothing says ‘I love you’ like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether itʼs spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time.”

 

Tip: If this is your partner’s love language, give him/her undivided attention do things together and take trips with each other.

 

 

 

  1. Gifts

“Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are heartfelt symbols to you of someone else’s love and affection for you.”

 

 

Tip: If this is your partner’s love language, give him/her small, meaningful and thoughtful gifts; notice what he/she really enjoys such as a hobby or passion, and then find small such themed gifts for him/her; birthdays and anniversaries are also important days.

 

 

 

 

  1. Acts of Service

“Can helping with homework really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an ‘Acts of Service’ person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: ‘Let me do that for you.’ Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. When others serve you out of love (and not obligation), you feel truly valued and loved.”

 

 

Tip: If this is your partner’s love language, ask him/her how you can help; offer to assist or complete chores and tasks. Remember: do it with joy!

 

 

 

 

  1. Physical Touch

“A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Appropriate and timely touches communicate warmth, safety, and love to you.”

 

Tip: If this is your partner’s love language, look for opportunities to connect and touch physically – hold hands, be affectionate, caress, stroke and offer massages. Reassure them with a hug.

 

 

When you begin to understand yourself, as well as your partner, you will realize that everyone uses all five languages but there is a primary and secondary language of love for each of us. And unfortunately, not every couple shares the same language of love, and therefore, it takes a conscious choice to express loe to one’s partner in their language – the way that makes them feel valued, special and loved.

 

Do you know your partner’s language of love? Do you know your children’s language of love? Do you know your own language of love? Remember, you might thrive on receiving tangible gifts but maybe your partner thrives simply on praise and compliments.

 

If you are not already clear about what your language of love is, you can take the assessment here: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/  Also, please note that while Chapman’s book, does offer good insights regarding the identification of the 5 languages of love, there are some major errors perceived by some readers to be sexist and outdated such as believing that only men enjoy sex and defining physical touch as sex; affection does not have to lead to or be included as sex.

 

Finally, Chapman makes a valid point when he warns that speaking in your spouse’s love language probably won’t be natural for you.”We’re not talking comfort. We’re talking love. Love is something we do for someone else. So often couples love one another but they aren’t connecting. They are sincere, but sincerity isn’t enough.”

 

If you or your partner has a challenge receiving or expressing or love, consider a private session to help set you emotionally free: https://www.patrick-wanis.com/phone-consultations/

 

You can post your comment on this newsletter below.

 

If this newsletter was forwarded to you and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

 

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

 

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com

 

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
A native of Australia, Patrick Wanis, PhD engrosses audiences with passion, conviction and sincerity with his blend of the strong masculine (Dr. Phil); the warm, compassionate feminine (Oprah); and the clinical scientific mind (Dr. Drew.) Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago and syndicated TV show The Daily Buzz, Wanis is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert, SRTT therapist and author with worldwide credits. When Michael Jackson died, CNN.com turned to Wanis for his expert insights and analysis of Jackson’s life, and CNN published on its homepage Wanis’ article “Forgiveness for Casey Anthony?” and FOXNews.com published Wanis’ article “What Americans can learn from Aussies.” Wanis also teaches patients at Milestones Ranch Malibu Residential Treatment Center and he is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.
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  1. Happy says:

    Dear Patrick,

    Hello! I am an avid reader of your blog – I’ve had it bookmarked for years, and I have often shared your entries with my husband and my son (the two people I love most!).

    This post really resonated with me. I adore my husband and am very happily married. However, my #1 love language, Physical Touch, is his least important one (his #5)! My #2 is a tie between Quality Time and Words of Affirmation – these are his #1 and #2, respectively.

    Please give me tips on how to handle this gap. Thanks to my parents, especially my wonderful dad who taught me about love and communication, I believe I am “multilingual” when it comes to the Love Languages – it is no problem for me to give the types of love most desired by my husband and son and dearest friends. My husband, on the other hand…I know he loves me, he really does, but sometimes I just feel so starved for physical touch and affection, and I hate to be the one asking nearly all the time.

    Can you help me to handle the days when I can feel the resentment building? Other than this, I am truly fortunate and blessed.

    Thank you and God bless you for your wonderful work!

    Happy but Needs LOTS of Hugs & Kisses

    • Patrick Wanis says:

      Dear Happy,
      thank you for writing to me and thank you for being so open.
      It is superb that you are clearly aware of your love languages.
      As you know we cannot change anyone else, but, you can ask for what you want from your husband. Have you done that? I refer to asking him to consciously touch you more often.
      You also asked “Can you help me to handle the days when I can feel the resentment building?”
      The answer is simple – speak with your husband to find out why physical touch is not one of his languages i.e. how was he raised – was his mother and father affectionate to him and to each other or not?
      The understanding might help you to release the resentment. Also, do you initiate touch with him? Has anyone spoken with him to understand the power of touching a woman without it leading to sex?
      Are you affectionate to your son?
      I hope this helps for a starter.
      All the best,
      Patrick

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