What Do You Want?

What Do You Want?

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss why it is critical to know what you want and, reveal to you the most important question that will determine whether or not “it” is what you really want and whether or not it is in your best interests to pursue it.

First a quick update:

“Getting over it”
If you have experienced a breakup, betrayal or rejection, it’s natural to react and respond in ways that are actually damaging to the healing and grieving process. It is also easy to stay stuck in your pain and stay stuck in the past, wondering if you will ever be able to get over it, get on with your life and love again. To help you, I have created a special 3-CD package. Make the joyous shift today and begin a new life! Click here.

Now, let’s talk about what you want.

In the 1997 motion picture, “As Good As It Gets”, Jack Nicholson plays Melvin a cranky, bigoted, obsessive-compulsive writer, whose life is changed with a series of events, starting when he is entrusted to look after the dog of his gay neighbor Simon (Greg Kinnear) who has been brutally beaten.

In one scene in the movie, Melvin (Jack Nicholson) has fallen in love with Carol (Helen Hunt) who now doesn’t want anything to do with Melvin because of his rude and selfish behavior. Simon is trying to get Melvin to admit he is in love with Carol, but Melvin is typically resistant.

 “Look, you, I’m very intelligent. If you’re going to give me advice or conversation or consolation or hope, you got to be better than you’re doing. If you can’t be at least momentarily interesting, then shut the hell up. I’m drowning and you’re describing the water.”

Frustrated, Simon comes back with, “Picking on me won’t help.”

 “Well, if that’s true, then I’m really in trouble.”

 “But you know where you’re lucky?”

 “Absolutely not.”

 “You know who you want. I’ll take your seat any day. So do something…don’t sleep on it…go over there. I don’t think anybody should ever sleep on anything; it’s not always good to let things calm down.”

Knowing what or who you want might seem as the most obvious first step to getting what you want. And yet, as I will elaborate, very few people realize that you can’t hit a target if you don’t have one. In other words, many people don’t know what they want and often spend their time and energy focusing on what they do not want, even trying to control other people and things that have nothing to do with their goals and desires.

Jilly had been in an abusive marriage for years and even her prior relationships had been the same. She told me she wanted to find someone who would not abuse her. When I asked her to be clear about what she wanted and to define a healthy relationship, she was stumped for an answer; Jilly had no idea what constitutes a healthy relationship. How then could she expect to find such a relationship if she can’t even define or recognize it?

Jilly and I worked together to help her get clear about what she wants in a relationship, how she wants to be treated, how she wants to feel, what she can give to the relationship and what she would expect her partner to give to the relationship. This is part of the process of defining your target – what you want.

Another client of mine asked me to help her get her power back following a painful breakup of a relationship and the loss of a job. To help her get what she wants, in this case “power”, we had to define it clearly. I helped her to see that “getting my power back” means that “Today, I alone will decide how I feel, regardless of what is happening around me.” I teach that most people lose their power when they allow someone else or something else to determine how they will feel about themselves and life.

Too often, we speak in terms of not wanting something about our present situation and we forget to clearly and loudly speak about what we actually want to create. Yes, we have to be able to say, “I don’t want my old car; it’s time for a new car” but we also have to be able to say exactly what type of car we now want, our target. Responding with, “I will recognize it when I see it” is faulty and misleading because now we are operating out of whim. Would you trust the captain of a ship or a surgeon to operate out of a whim or a fantasy? Of course, not; they need a target.

You are the captain of your life, you are the surgeon. You can map the course of your life but only when you know where you want to go and with whom. Accordingly don’t only speak in terms of what you do not want, speak about what you do want, remembering that you get more of what you focus on. And when deciding upon what you want, visualize and emotionalize the result. In other words, imagine yourself being, doing or having your desire and then feel it as if it is happening right now; The Subconscious Mind responds to pictures, symbols and emotions.

Thus, be specific as possible about what you want and how you want to feel. You might also write your answers as a method of sparking inspiration and imagination.

The next step is to answer the question, “Why do you want it?”

I believe it is more important to know why you want something than it is to even know what you want or how you are going to get it. For example, Mary, another success coach came to me for advice; she wanted to become rich. Before we spoke about specifics, I asked her why she wanted it; what it would give her and what emotional benefits would there be. Ultimately, the answer was that Mary believed that the money would give her more attention and respect. And why was this important? She never received it as a child and now she subconsciously felt that she wasn’t good enough; that she didn’t deserve to be noticed. Obviously, no attainment of external things would ever satisfy that emptiness or pain. The process I followed was to help her heal the past pain so that she could pursue her dreams out of passion and not pain. Mary’s motivations for hitting her target were joy and not suffering or a lack of feeling worthy.

Get more information, insights and help to get what you want with my audio book: “Get What You Want!”.

If you would like to comment on this newsletter, click here. If you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist

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12 replies
  1. Avatar
    Morgan says:

    Thank you, Patrick, once again, for such a thoughtful and helpful e-mail. I have spoken openly with my husband about my feelings of confusion regarding our marriage with respect to my newfound sense of clarity regarding what I want to pursue in life (career/self-fulfillment wise) and although I thought it would make things worse – by making him feel even more insecure – it has actually had the opposite effect. Sensing something was wrong but not knowing what actually made him feel worse than just knowing what was wrong. Having his support is also helpful and contributes towards feeling closer to him and helps me to think that maybe it is possible to have a marriage and family (which is part of the big picture of what I want) and pursue my dreams.

    My issue w/ respect to being in a marriage while trying to figure out what I want was not a matter of making the time. It was more a matter of principle in the sense that I feel guilty carrying on in a marriage if my head and heart don’t know that they want to be in it… Of course, being honest about that and letting my husband decide for himself whether he wants to carry on in that context has relieved me of the burden of having to decide for him and without the guilt, I am able to look at things with a clearer head and peace of mind.

    Lastly, I just might do as you suggest and follow the contact page link.

    Thanks again for all, Morgan

  2. Avatar
    Morgan says:

    Patrick – thank you kindly for your thorough response.

    (1) No – no children.

    (2) I am working on myself and am trying to get clarity on my desires and my goals (for the first time in my life) – but am finding this exceedingly difficult in the context of a marriage. How can I focus on myself and be worthy (or in any way capable) of being in a marriage (nonetheless contributing to it)?

    (3) I agree that I have issues from my childhood/adolescence to resolve, but do not know how to begin resolving them. The few professionals that I have consulted seem to be fairly anti-Freudian and prefer to deal with “present issues” and help me identify “solutions” to those, rather than to “dig into the past.”

    (4) Would love to have a session or several with you, but am afraid that this would be a financially unaffordable undertaking…

    (5) Do you do referrals? Do you have a network of like-minded therapists that I could access?

    Thanks again. I deeply appreciate your help, Morgan

    • Avatar
      Patrick Wanis says:

      Dear Morgan,

      the fact that you do not have children simply means you have more time to work on yourself because you have less responsibilites – thus my question.

      Although, I am suggesting that you put your focus on yourself and determine what are your real goals and desires, I am not suggesting that you shirk or ignore your responsibilites to the marriage. There will still be day to day responsibilites to fulfill even if your emotional connection to your husband is weaning. Placing emphasis on yourself and your clarity does not necessarily involve 24 hours of commitment. It involves scheduling time for you – to do introspection, read books, listen to programs, and, to visit the professionals that can help you to clear your past and disempowering beliefs. You can also contribute to the marriage and relationship by being honest with your husband and communicating to him what you are experiencing. In doing so, be careful not to blame him nor to tell him that it is over or other such doomsday talk. Instead, simply communicate to him that you recognize that there are certain things in you that you need to sort out and, if appropriate, you request his support.

      Of course, the answer is to clear your past and change your beliefs. Any skilled therapist knows that there are 2 levels to healing – heal the past and offer solutions and strategies to deal with the present while healing the past. Most of today’s mental health professionals deal primarily with the symptoms i.e. dealing only with the present issues and problems without getting to the root cause of the problems. Yes, i believe in dealing with the present and the past e.g. maybe certain strategies will improve one’s communication but won’t heal one’s inability to speak up for him or herself without going deeper – to the root cause.

      With regards to working with you or suggesting an alternative, may I suggest you contact me via my contact page: https://patrickwanis.com/blog/Contact.asp and someone will contact you to discuss how we can help you.

      Again, I honor your commitment and dedication to healing yourself and assure you that the rewards will greatly outnumber your present challenges.
      All the best,

  3. Avatar
    Morgan says:

    Dear Patrick,

    As a 31 yr. old married woman, I have only recently discovered my sense of purpose and it has given me direction in a way that I could only have dreamed of during my 20s when I simply “went with the flow” and found purpose and meaning in my twisted and painful (though rare) relationships with men. I suffered from enormous anxiety and continual self-doubt. I endured (and no doubt also caused) unacceptable amounts of drama and pain in my relationships. I have tried to control my husband’s behavior (his drinking, his late nights, etc.) because I have felt that he/his behavior has been the cause of my misery and instability. But now that the puzzle pieces of my talent/passion/goal have come together in my mind and consciousness, I find myself unwilling to “compromise” in my relationship any longer. But interestingly, my husband is responding positively to my newfound inner peace and my newly clarified boundaries and is making a big effort to change. However, I am now in a state of confusion about my feelings towards him, the relationship, and our/my future b/c (1) he can’t change overnight and yet I am unwilling to put up with the negative behavior any longer and (2) I simply don’t know how I feel (re. love, desire, etc.) anymore. I feel the desire to spend energy on nothing but developing my talent maybe especially given my feelings of confusion towards my husband and am trying to avoid the guilt and subsequent lashing out that those feelings inspire in me. W/ respect to your suggestion to visualize; I do this constantly; in fact, it’s almost an addiction – it’s a form of fantasizing about the future; I can use this imaging technique to make myself excited about anything (my marriage, my career, the idea of other relationships, other lives, etc.) – even things that are not realistic; and worse, are in conflict. I suppose the key is to make a decision about what I want and then use my imagination to help make it happen. Still, without the imagination (which is tied to feelings and emotions), how can I reach a decision about what I want (regarding my personal life)? Thanks a million for your wisdom and care. – Morgan

    • Avatar
      Patrick Wanis says:

      Dear Morgan,

      Thanks for being so open about a situation that is complex and multi-layered. The first question is do you have children and if so, what ages are they? I ask that because children may affect your decision.

      I always teach that the most important principle in any relationship is to always first work on yourself i.e. work on changing yourself not the other person. At that point, the other person will respond or react: they may walk away, they may decide to change, they may try to control you and want the old you back.

      Now that you understand that your insecurity, instability, anxiety and misery has nothing to do with your husband, then you can work on healing the primary cause of those challenges – which, of course, will most likely be traced back to your childhood.

      As I point out in many of my books “Get the man you want”, “soul mates” etc, we choose our partner because he/she reflects our hidden beliefs about ourself, the world and relationships. At some level, you will subconscioulsy be repeating with your partner the dynamic that you experienced with your parents and the feelings you often experienced as a child.

      I honor you for finding your passion. Now, i suggest to do the work necessary to heal the past, then you will be clear about what you want to do next and what relationship or not you want with your husband.

      Yes, visualization is powerful but beware that you do not use it to create esapist fantasies or emotions that will only serve to further confuse you. You cannot use visualization to determine what you want in life – it requires a deeper process. Again, start with clearing the past and then you will feel and be clearer to determine what you want and what your purpose is. May i humbly suggest that you refer to a couple of audio products of mine: “Get the man you want”, Find love fast” and “Secrets to losing weight, being thin and loving your body.” I suggest the latter 3 CD set because there are many processes in the program and it works on clearing a lot of negative emotions and on forgiveness. When you are ready, you might also consider a private session with me.
      Either way, i wish you the very best.

  4. Avatar
    Renzo says:

    Dear Patrick,

    Hope you are doing well. I bought your “Be Happy, Rich & Wealthy” hypnosis CD back in late January, and to date I have been listening to it pretty much every evening. I have seen some changes in me, which I am very grateful for. I enjoy very much the CD, your website and all your newsletters. Thanks for ALL the useful info!

    A little bit about me. I am an independent futures trader and I am still in my early stages of my business (2 yrs). I am very eager to take my biz to the next level, making much more money than what I am making now. And I really love what I do, very passionate about it.

    I know exactly what I want in all aspects of my life. I visualize my dreams in the mornings, I have written down everything I want/desire & I think and focus on them every single day. I have been doing this procedure for the last 3-4 years now.

    However, I am not meeting my goals, that is the amount of money I want to make. Growing up, my father was pretty negative towards money, and I understand that part of my setback has to do with that. And, I have been working on myself to change the negativity towards money. But, still not making that money I want to make.

    What advice can you give me on this matter, so I can start making the money I desire? Greatly appreciate your response.

    • Avatar
      Patrick says:

      Dear Renzo,

      It sounds like you are following all of the appropriate steps and I applaud and honor you for your commitment, discipline and dedication.

      The process I teach to manifesting your goals – creating what you desire – is:
      1. Define what you want (be specific and determine why you want this goal)
      2. Visualize and emotionalize your goal
      3. Take action
      4. Believe that you deserve to be, do and have your goal
      5. Give back – make a difference

      The most common block to realizing one’s goals and dreams is the subconscious belief regarding deservedness. Why do you deserve to have what you say you desire?

      You have given a strong clue to your block when you say “Growing up, my father was pretty negative towards money.” The question then is what do you feel around money? What would happen if you were to make money and, more money than your father; would you be betraying your dad? What is money?

      Your subconscious beliefs and emotions around money will determine your results!

      My hypnosis CDs have changed many people’s lives and transformed their enjoyment of life and their results. In some cases, a specific block may require a one-on-one session (in person or over the phone) to clearly identify and quickly release that block that you have around money, thus freeing you up to realize your goals and celebrate the harvest of your desires! Accordingly, consider if you are ready to remove what you call your “setback” and if so, consider a private session.
      At the very least, I encourage you to answer and ponder on those questions above regarding money.
      Again, I wish you the very best and thank you for being open with your experiences and compliments.

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