In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to like to reveal the real danger of women dying for approval while actually rejecting themselves.
First a quick update:
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Are you a woman (or girl) dying for approval?
How far do you go to ensure that others will like or approve of you, just so that you might be able to, perhaps, like yourself, just a little?
Of course, you have heard of the shocking stories of both men and women dying while taking selfies. However, this article is not about the physical dangers of seeking approval via social media; it is about the psychological dangers of trying to fill the inner emptiness and self-loathing by seeking the approval of others while rejecting yourself in the process.
If you can think back 10-15 years, you might remember a time when you would be walking through a park, a nature reserve, the beach or some other public place, and you would see people reading a book, particularly women, who read more books than men.
That is an extremely rare sight now.
What I constantly and consistently see on the beach (and most public places) is women of all ages taking photos and videos of themselves. They are of various ages, and many of them have their tripod set up to take that perfect photo or video. They might be alone, or they might be with another woman, and they spend literally hours taking photos of themselves. They are not even in touch or connected to their surroundings.
What is their goal?
They are seeking approval and validation.
They are trying to convince other people of how special, young, beautiful, sexy, or worthy they are.
Their goal is to get as many likes and followers as possible, and in the process, create an image that they hope people will like and approve – all done to avoid rejection.
Recently, I saw a photo on social media of two girls who appeared to be about 15 years of age. It turns out they were both mothers in their 40s with pubescent daughters. They used the airbrush filters and other camera EFX to make themselves appear as young as possible, like little girls actually.
“Americanism: Using money you haven’t earned to buy things you don’t need to impress people you don’t like.”
– Robert Quillen, syndicated humorist, in his column, June 1928
What is the message that these women send out?
They want to be accepted; they want to be special.
They want to be attractive; they want to stand out; they want to be noticed; they want to be admired and liked; they want to belong; they want to feel valuable.
They are dying for approval and validation.
They don’t approve and validate themselves.
These women fear rejection.
They want to run away from their real self, and they want to fool you into believing that they are better than they inside think they are.
The irony is that they are already engaging in the very thing that they are running from and fear the most – rejection.
But these women have already rejected themselves.
They don’t believe they have anything to offer other than their external beauty and external primal sex appeal. And they don’t even believe in that, for they know it is ephemeral.
They feel empty inside; they don’t like who they are, or the way they naturally look; they have got to look younger, sexier; they have got to compete with other women.
They don’t believe they have any real value – no purpose or meaning – nothing to contribute other than fleeting captures of fake and contrived beauty.
Inside, these women are dying for approval while rejecting themselves, and making themselves prisoners of their own self-loathing.
I came across a tweet by a feminist who said she doesn’t want to be better than a man, she just wants to be free – free of the patriarchy.
I, too, believe that freedom is the pathway to autonomy and empowerment, but, a different form of freedom.
What is this freedom for women to which I refer?
Freedom from seeking external approval and validation; freedom from rejecting yourself.
When you believe that you are not good enough; when you judge yourself as being bad or ugly while trying to paint over that ugliness; when you become obsessed with trying to meet society’s expectations; when you compare yourself to others; when you are begging people to like you; when you are seeking external approval and validation, then you are not free.
When you are constantly dying for approval from others, you are a prisoner controlled by everyone else.
You are the woman who has already rejected herself, unaware or ashamed of her real self, rejecting her real self.
How can anyone else like or love you when you do not like or love yourself? You won’t let them like or love the real you because you don’t show the real you. You refuse to be vulnerable and authentic!
And all they will see is this fake image you created. And if you sell yourself as a Photoshopped image or video, then you will experience the very thing you fear the most: you will be rejected when they look for someone who has more or ‘better’ of the very things you promote, or they will reject you because they found nothing inside.
Finally, I understand that these truths are harsh and perhaps challenging to face. Remember this, though: you are not a victim. Yes, you have been programmed by society and even by other women; yes, you have been programmed by the experiences of childhood – perhaps by trauma, the lack of love, approval, or validation. Perhaps you were not seen, heard, understood, or validated. While all of these are true, if you believe that women are powerful, then take back that power by healing and resolving those subconscious issues and programming which lead to subconscious rejection.
Look deep inside and you will find your beauty!
”The ultimate hidden truth of the world is that it is something we make. And could just as easily make differently”
– David Graeber, “Utopia of Rules”
If you would like help professional help to heal the past, overcome guilt, shame or to resolve your issues, book a one-on-one session with me.
You can add to the conversation below.
I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.