In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to like to reveal 12 tips for dating after divorce.
First a quick update:
The Breakup Quiz
Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? How would you like to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my Free Breakup Quiz and get your own personalized report.
The 6 Love Languages. Yes 6! What is Yours?
Love is an expression and therefore it has a language – a form of communicating and expressing. Each one of us feels love and feels loved in different ways. Watch the video and discover that in a relationship, to get your needs met, your partner must also understand and speak your love language.
Now, let’s talk about 12 tips for dating after divorce.
Divorce is the second most stressful major life change; the first is the death of a spouse. Divorce correlates with a host of physical, mental and emotional ailments and illnesses.
Beyond the actual divorce, the next challenge is dating after divorce including shifting from husband or wife to boyfriend or girlfriend role.
Here are 12 tips for dating after divorce.
1. Know Yourself & Your Temperament – DISC
Now is the time to get clear about who you are: Identify your values, personality, temperament, love languages, stage in life, responsibilities, and what you want in life!
You will hear a lot of absurd theories or suggestions about how soon after divorce you should be dating such as ‘you need one year alone for every five years you were married.’ Most of these are false and not based on any science or research. Further, your friends might tell you to ‘move on and date now.’ You need to know yourself and move at your own pace based on your temperament and the circumstances of your divorce! If you are a person who is an introvert, a thinker, moves slowly, cautiously and methodically, then simply take it slowly. If you are an extrovert who needs to be around lots of people, thrives on socializing, adrenaline, and moves quickly, then act accordingly. This is part of knowing yourself and your DISC behavioral Profile. See also Number 7 below about a support system.
2. Grieve And Process The Divorce – Your Date Is Not Going To Heal You
It is important to grieve the divorce. Even if divorce is what you wanted, it is still a loss – of identity, routine, security, dreams, goals, family, and more. Focus on grieving the loss and beware of the danger of fooling yourself into thinking ‘my date is going to heal me.’ Seek professional help to achieve a state of peace, acceptance and forgiveness.
3. Flip It – Divorce Is An End And A Beginning
You can help your grieving and generate hope by flipping your perspective and mindset: Divorce is the end of something, but it is also the beginning of something new. Your old life has ended and there will be many changes, but it is up to you to create a new, better life.
4. You Are Not The Same Person You Were; Resolve Your Emotions
Be willing to face the truth: The marriage and the divorce have changed you. You are not the same person you were before. Be open and accept your responsibility or contribution to the outcome. Even if you married a narcissist and chronic cheater or liar, ask yourself, “What did I learn? What signals or red flags did I ignore? If I really loved myself, would I have accepted this treatment for as long as I did?” Forgive yourself for any mistakes you made and choose to resolve your emotions prior to dating after divorce. If you have anger, bitterness, resentment, cynicism or feelings of revenge and vindictiveness, they will not only affect your dating after divorce, they will also infect your dating. If you experienced trauma or abuse, seek professional help.
5. Rebuild Yourself – MEPS
Devote time and energy to rebuilding and creating a new identity. Focus on your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health (MEPS.) Yes, exercise, eat well, sleep and do meditative exercises to calm your mind; consider yoga, hiking and so forth. You might even meet someone at one of those events.
6. What Do You Want? Tell Them What You Want
Before dating after divorce, get clear about what you want from dating, and choose to tell your date. Do you want fun, casual dating, commitment, exclusivity, companionship, or friendship? What are your deal-breakers?
7. Take it fast, take it slow – DISC – support system
I mentioned above about taking it fast or taking it slow based on your temperament or DISC behavioral style, and based on the circumstances of your divorce. If you are taking it slow, perhaps consider going out places with a buddy as you gently rebuild your confidence and expose yourself to dating slowly. Doing things in small steps lessens the chance of triggering the fear response within you!
8. Release Your Type
Everyone has an ideal physical type. But your physical type does not guarantee a happy and successful relationship. Be open to dating after divorce with people that are not your ideal type but whom have other meaningful qualities, values, interests, and a complementary personality/temperament.
9. Don’t Hide Yourself, Your Kids Or Your Responsibilities From Your Date
At your own pace, reveal yourself. When you choose to be open and vulnerable, it encourages the other person to respond the same way. That does not mean extreme actions such as dumping emotionally, nor does it mean burning your ex at the stake in your conversations. Also, be open about your responsibilities such as children or ailing parent. One of the top causes of breakups is a complaint by women, “I wanted more time than he was willing to give.”
10. Heal The Relationship With Your Kids
Your children are also going to be struggling with the divorce, and they may resent you dating after divorce. Sit down and speak with them; reassure them that your love for them and their mother/father’s love for them will not change based on whom you date. Make your reassurance to them your truth; live it!
11. Be Patient With Yourself
Depending on your age, the way the marriage ended, your own experiences in dating, and your levels of self-confidence, be prepared that you will make mistakes or doubt yourself. Be patient with yourself and beware of taking rejection personally. You are not a match for everyone, and neither is everyone a match for you. Timing in dating is also critical.
12. Perfection And Pain – Walk Away
There will be red flags and you might ignore them if you are eager to date after divorce or if you are desperate due to loneliness and shattered confidence. Beware of the ‘perfect person’, and beware of the ‘person still in pain.’ The perfect person might do everything that you want in this moment – but if it feels too good to be true, then it is. Trust your gut. Beware, too, of destructive behavior by your new date – drugs, alcohol abuse, lying, cheating, anger, or a mean streak. Don’t expect perfection but notice the signs and patterns of toxic behavior.
If you or a friend need help to overcome a divorce or resolve pain from love or failed relationships, do as others have done: Resolve it rapidly and be set free of the pain by experiencing my SRTT process. Book a one-on-one session with me.
You can add to the conversation below.
I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.