In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to offer some advice and 7 warnings for women who are considering or are already caught up in an affair with a married man.
First a quick update:
“5 Signs of Addiction”
Do you feel alone, even though you are surrounded by people? Are your children afraid of you? There are 5 clear signs that you are an addict. Watch the interview on Emotional Mojo TV show where I reveal the 5 signs of addiction including past trauma, extreme stress, self-destructive behavior and identifying that your only friends are the people with him you drink or do drugs.
“Children of addict parents”
What is the long-term impact on children who come from broken families where both parents have had addictions? Read the insights I gave to FoxNews.com regarding this and Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller
Now, let’s talk about the 7 warnings for women who are considering or are already caught up in an affair with a married man.
Many years ago, a friend of mine, Julianne aged 28 began an affair with a married man aged 42. I recall telling her how wrong her actions were and how serious they were given that he also had young children. It was obvious to me on the surface why she had become so attracted to him – he was stable, successful, older (offering implied life experience and wisdom) and he was ‘valuable’ i.e. another woman had determined that he was worthy of marriage, so therefore Julianne also believed he must be valuable.
Of course, there are many reasons a woman will have an affair with a married man – such as ego and the desire to compete with other women, feelings of power and desirability by conquering or stealing another woman’s man/husband, romance without responsibility or commitment, the attraction to a man who displays strong paternal qualities and is a good provider and protector. Read my article “10 Reasons women have affairs with married men.”
Before addressing what I believe to be the single greatest motivation for a woman to have an affair with a married man, let me add that you, the mistress, will also be expected to be a consistent machine – a patient but servile woman designed to solely please and offer escape to the cheating husband without regard for your emotions, problems, stresses or pain.
Here are the 7 primary reasons to avoid a married man.
1. He’s lying to you as well
Very few men ever leave their wife and family for a mistress; if you want to test him, tell him to divorce his wife and children first, and then you will have a relationship with him (after the divorce proceedings or its finalization.) He may also be lying that you are “the one”; some cheaters have multiple mistresses or move quickly from one mistress to another.
Additionally, he will also suggest that he is going to try and work things out with his wife, and you will feel abandoned, rejected and helpless and you will have no right to argue or express anger over the decision, otherwise you will be seen as clingy, desperate and a burden.
2. Your marriage to him will most likely fail
Even if he leaves his wife and family to marry you, the statistics for divorce exponentially increase for second and third marriages. The National Center for Health Statistics reveals that the median first marriage for men is 8.1 years, the second is just 6.3 years, and the third is only 4.6 years. The few studies available on men who marry their mistress, reveal that 75% fail and end in divorce.
3. He will tire of you and cheat on you
If he cheats once (or more) on his wife, he will most likely cheat again (on you), particularly once the fire or Passionate Love stage of his relationship with you has ended, and he is now seeking excitement and new romance. (Read my article “Passionate or Companionate Love” )
4. Negative emotions will infect your relationship
Should you and the cheating husband marry, you and he will be plagued with subconscious guilt, suspicions, fear of future betrayal and fear of lies and deceit in your new relationship/marriage; recall that your relationship/affair with him began with low morality, lack of self-control, selfishness and disregard for the impact on the other woman and their children.
5. The thrill will quickly disappear
Once the throes and excitement of the passion are over, how will you both handle the day to day responsibilities of a relationship and potentially the children and scorned ex-wife? Note: during the affair there are no real responsibilities, nor real commitment; the mistress can be seeing other men without being directly accountable to tell the married man.
6. His real issues and behavior won’t change with you
He cheated on his wife for a reason or reasons including a lack of integrity; he may also have low self-esteem or other relationship issues which will not magically disappear nor be instantly resolved once he leaves his wife and family for a new relationship with you. Note, too, that if cheating is his response to being unhappy or unsatisfied in his marriage, then that will also be his response when he has problems in his relationship with you. He may also simply be a risk taker; be prepared that he will need the constant rush; how will you provide that? Will you be able and willing to give the same amount of energy to making him feel special? What will happen when the new reality cannot live up to the initial fantasy?
7. Your issues won’t disappear or be healed
What really brought you to this man? Was it just ego, competiveness, powerful attraction, forbidden fruit, a successful man & father? Or, was it something else? Was it low self-esteem, fear of intimacy, fear of commitment? Was it a desire to prove that you are lovable and you can win over a man that is unavailable or belongs/is committed to someone else? Was it a deep yearning to prove that you are desirable because you subconsciously don’t believe you are? Was it fear of rejection? Look in your heart and recognize that even if he does happen to actually leave his wife and family for you, your deeper issues won’t be resolved.
This brings us to what I believe to be the single greatest motivation for a woman to have an affair with a married man: Low self-esteem coupled with the subconscious fear of rejection.
Low self-esteem refers to not liking yourself, not feeling good enough – feeling insignificant and feeling unwanted or not needed.
The fear of rejection stems from the belief that one was rejected as a child i.e. the resulting belief: ‘I am not good enough; people won’t love me, they will reject me.’
When you truly believe you are worthy and lovable, you won’t waste your energy trying to prove it by chasing a married man, nor will you subconsciously set yourself up for repeated rejection. When you believe you are special and worthy of expressing and receiving love, you will open your heart to someone who chooses you first, without compromise, without hidden rendezvous or lies and without concealing you or his love for you.
When you finally realize your worth and you attain self-control and self-respect along with full understanding of the consequences of your choices, you will attract a real man who will shout to the top his love for you!
If you want to get over the affair and find real love where the man is fully available to you, use my new audio book and program “Get Over Your Ex Now!”
You can read more about the dangers and heartaches of an affair with a married man here.
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.