Humiliation – And Your Shame And Anger

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to like to reveal the meaning and definition of humiliation, and the two sides to humiliation – your shame and anger.

First a quick update: 

The Breakup Quiz

Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? How would you like to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my Free Breakup Quiz and get your own personalized report.

Why We Hate and What Does It Take To Join A Hate Group?
Is hatred ever necessary? Why do we hate hate when we reward war heroes for killing other people? There is a circuit in the brain for hatred. Why? Watch my video and learn the the 1 thing required for someone to join a hate group.

Now, let’s talk about the meaning and definition of humiliation, and the two sides to humiliation – your shame and anger.

Have you experienced humiliation?

Has someone humiliated you?

If yes, then you understand that humiliation is one of the most intensely painful experiences and emotions.

Humiliation or being humiliated is the experience and act whereby someone does something to you, in front of others that unjustly diminishes you, leaving you feeling powerless, small, and inferior.

Therefore, three things are required for the experience of humiliation:

A victim, a perpetrator, and an audience.

The intensity of the humiliating experience, along with your own perception of the event will determine whether it will also lead to feeling anger, shame, or the desire for isolation or for revenge.

Humiliation, Shame And Anger

What determines whether you will feel the pain of your anger or shame when being humiliated?

Shame is the feeling or belief that there is something wrong with you, that you are innately deficient or bad; guilt is the feeling or belief that you have done something wrong or bad.

Anger is the result of feeling hurt, injured or wronged, or, not getting what you want.

Humiliation and Self-Blame

When someone humiliates you – diminishes you, and you feel like a victim, you blame yourself believing that there is something wrong with you, then you will feel shame. You will want to withdraw to isolate and hide yourself.

On the other hand, when someone humiliates you – diminishes you, and you feel like a victim, and you believe that it is unjust and unfair, and you blame the other person, then you will feel anger. In turn, instead of hiding, you may seek revenge against the perpetrator.

Of course, it is also possible to feel a mix of shame and anger when someone humiliates you. If you believe that you are deficient or there is something wrong with you and you feel that it is extremely unfair that you were humiliated – diminished in front of people, then you might feel both anger and shame. The more unjust you believe the act of humiliation was, the more intense the anger will be.

Further, when being humiliated, the more you blame yourself or accept the blame, the more you will feel shame; the less you blame yourself and the more you blame the other person for humiliating you, the more you will feel anger.

Humiliation: Shame leads to withdrawal; anger leads to revenge.

Remember, you cannot feel humiliated if you do not feel or accept the devaluation – the diminishing of your self-worth and self-esteem – feeling small, weak, alone, uncomfortable, powerless, or inferior.

Actions that lead to humiliation include: “…belittling, ridiculing, bringing down, bullying, badmouthing, social exclusion, betrayal, criticism, and discrimination…looking like a fool, losing self-esteem, being brought down, unfairness…”

Humiliation In Relationships

The 2003 romantic comedy film, “Love Actually” features one scene where Alan Rickman plays Harry who betrays his wife Karen (Emma Thompson) and humiliates her when she discovers that the gold necklace he bought was not for her but rather a Christmas gift for his secretary. Karen doesn’t know if he is having an emotional affair or a sexual affair. What she does say is: “You’ve also made a fool out of me. You’ve made the life I lead foolish, too.”

Karen feels humiliated because she and the secretary were at the same Christmas party, and the secretary received the necklace. Thus, she is the victim, the perpetrator is her Harry – her husband, and the audience is the secretary and perhaps others at work who may have knowledge of the affair.

In this context of humiliation, Karen feels shame over anger – she thinks she is old, and feels powerless, unattractive, and small.

“Within humiliation experiences, more intense shame was particularly associated with being red, feeling weak, an audience being present, a loss in self-esteem and/or honor, discomfort, looking like a fool, feeling small, fear, wanting to leave, and shyness (also with low aggression and, like anger, with dismay and sadness). More intense anger was particularly associated with feeling negative, hatred, conflict, incomprehension, losing trust, betrayal, disappointment, wanting revenge, inappropriateness, guilt, being brought down, unfairness, sadness, regret, criticism, being put in second place, dismay, deliberateness, the situation being negative, aggression, not accepting the situation, rumination, the situation being personal, envy, losing, badmouthing, belittling, wanting to prevent repetition, and feeling like a victim.”

– Maartje Elshout – Department of Social Psychology, Tilburg University, The Netherlands

Humiliation and School Mass Shootings

While the fear of being humiliated can lead to social phobia, the consequences of humiliation include depression, suicide, and vindictive tendencies when accompanied by anger – revenge and the desire to hurt, punish or pay back the perpetrator. Being humiliated is a key motivator behind school shootings.

Tim Kretschmer, the teen who killed 15 people in Germany in 2009, wrote in an email: “I am fed up with this bloody life…Everyone laughs at me.” Seung-Hui Cho, the Virginia Tech student who killed 32 people in 2007, felt he had been persecuted by others: “You forced me into a corner and gave me only one option…You just loved to crucify me. You loved inducing cancer in my head, terror in my heart and ripping my soul all this time.”

If you or a friend need help to overcome a pain from love or failed relationships, do what others have done: Resolve it rapidly and be set free of the pain by experiencing my SRTT process. Book a one-on-one session with me.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist