In this Success Newsletter, I would like to talk about a complaint that many women have about men: “He is not in touch with his feelings.”
I wanted to name this newsletter, “What’s up with you?” because few men and women ever stop to explore the real feelings behind their behavior. For example, road rage is not just about someone cutting you off on the road. Often, it reflects deep-seated anger and rage that has been bubbling for a long time and finally boils over with a simple trigger. One of my clients had so much rage that on one occasion when someone cut him off, he sped after him until they stopped at the traffic lights, then he jumped the other driver and punched him until the police came and arrested him. His anger though wasn’t about being cut off, it was about the physical abuse he experienced as a child, but, he wasn’t consciously aware of this cause. Like so many other people, he thought the anger he was expressing was caused in the moment by the actions of someone else.
The same principle applies to relationships. Often when we are arguing or angry at our partner, it may have nothing to do with the argument of the moment but rather, some other deep-seated issue. This translates into many couples saying, “We argue over the most-stupid things…” For example, a client of mine was expressing a lot of frustration and anger because her mother-in-law had not returned to her the spare set of house keys after her week long visit. She could not stop complaining about it. As we explored the situation, I helped her understand that the real issue -her deeper feelings -was that she felt she had no control over her marriage or her mother-in-law. She felt that they did not respect her and she felt out of control.
I have found that what empowers me, and helps to avoid a potential huge argument, is to focus on observing my own responses in each moment and situation. Thus I ask myself various questions: What am I truly feeling? Why am I angry? What am I afraid of? Why am I feeling this way? When I choose to explore my deeper feelings, I am empowered because I am then able to separate the situation at hand from my issues and by observing my own responses, I can neutralize some of the negative emotion. It also empowers me because then I can turn to the other person and without directly attacking him or her, I can say, “It’s not about you. This is what I am feeling and I need your help or support this way…”
When we can stand back, observe our responses and discover what is the real cause behind our behavior and feelings we can then feel better because we feel as if we have greater control over our lives and over ourselves, or at the very least begin to take control of our lives. Most of our inner peace and peace of mind comes from feeling in control of our lives and selves – not control over other people. I would like to share one more example. Just this morning, I was speaking with a friend who was annoyed because she had just joined an internet dating site but had not yet posted her photo. Another subscriber sent her two harsh emails complaining and criticizing her for not posting her photo. “Are you ashamed of your looks?”, he exclaimed. My friend wrote back a harsh email defending herself, her appeal and her physical beauty. As we spoke and she explored her real feelings and present challenges, she discovered that she feels under siege by her boss at work, and thus she felt she had to lash back at this other man. Now that she knows what is truly causing her grief and annoyance, she is in a position to deal with the cause and thus take back her power by taking control of her life and self.
If you want to feel better and learn to take greater control of your life, check out my Hypnosis audio program “Feel Good About Yourself.” Also, I now have a Blog on my website where you can read all of my past Success Newsletters, post your comments and even take a few exciting quizzes.
I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.