In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to ease some of the controversy and reveal the real reasons why men want women to cook for them.
First a quick update:
**** “Revenge is destroying Christie Brinkley.” Celebrity supermodel Christie Brinkley chose to go public about the sordid affair her husband Peter Cook had. Will Brinkley’s move harm her and her children as hatred, bitterness and revenge take over and consume her? Listen to the interview.
**** Get the man you want! – Why settle for second best or mediocrity? Get clear about the man you want and how you want to feel and be treated in a relationship, and, learn the secrets and techniques to getting the man and relationship you want and truly deserve!
Now let’s talk about the controversial topic of what men and women want and why men want women to cook for them.
It’s often a hot topic of debate- what do men want?
What do women want?
Can we understand the other gender? Can we ever please them?
Of course, media and society generally enjoy portraying the woman as the more difficult of the two genders to comprehend and understand. There is no doubt that generally women have more depth than most men – in the sense that they have a far wider range of needs and desires than men who are often portrayed as simpletons.
Incidentally, some predominant feminine qualities include sensitivity, intuition, perception and nurturing. And based on studies of the human brain, women can actually successfully multi-task. Men just think they can. Sorry guys!
In my book, “What a woman wants” I use a joke to illustrate a point:
“There’s an old joke that compares men with women:
How to seduce a woman: compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her.
How to seduce a man: Show up naked. Bring food.”
While I am sure that you are probably laughing or maybe even cursing after reading the above, we all agree that there is much more that is required to bring joy, satisfaction and happiness to either a man or a woman than just the above list. In the context of a relationship, I teach in my book, “Get the man you want” that men desire four things from a woman:
1. For her to look good
2. Pay attention to him, and DO things with him
3. Regular and exciting sex
4. Treat him like a king
Now before the ladies get mad with me, I am not saying that the above is right and appropriate, but rather, that is the way it is. For example, testosterone –the primary hormone in men promotes action, assertiveness, aggressiveness and competitiveness in men. In women, the hormonal profile creates and promotes different responses and needs – for example, women respond to stress by tending and befriending. Right or wrong? That’s the way it is. In the same way that touch is so important to women and most women feel loved when hugged, held and caressed, men too, have different needs. The reference to wanting to be treated like a king is not about power, dominance or superiority. Rather it is about feeling significant, respected, appreciated and being granted the opportunity to lead.
So again, the question remains, “Why do men want women to cook for them?”
Is it because they simply want to be treated like king?
Is it because they believe they are superior, and that cooking and the kitchen is only the domain of a woman?
Beyond some of the potential sexist responses by some men, the answer lies much deeper than that, and it may even shock you.
I would like to answer that question with a story.
I recall it was during one of visits to my home in Australia in my late twenties when I was in the kitchen. My mom had cooked me a meal and let me know that it was ready. I sat down to eat, and for the first time I ever experienced the following, I consciously became aware of something truly significant. I noticed that I didn’t want to get up and get it for myself.
Until age 10, when she passed, my grandmother lived with us and was my primary caretaker. After she passed away, my brother and I would cook for ourselves. My mom was studying for her PhD during my early childhood & teen years and she arrived home very late. So it was rare for her to cook and my elder brother and I would cook our own meals at our father’s beckoning.
So while it had been a habit for me, for most of my childhood life, to cook for myself, this time as an adult, I wanted my mother to serve me the food that she had cooked.
I wondered to myself, “Why is this important to me?”
And then it hit me.
It was not about me wanting to be a king.
Rather, it was about me wanting to feel loved as well as believing that the food would actually taste better when served by my mother. I did not see this as a sexist or demeaning request or desire on my part, but rather, a simple desire to receive love and nurturing on this occasion.
For the ladies, it is critical to understand that men express love by “doing” and “giving” things – usually tangible things and therefore, to a man, it is also an expression of love when a woman serves a man and gives him something. Underneath all of the pseudo male macho superiority, men also seek nurturing from women and they find that to be expressed with food and receiving.
Having said all of the above, I also humbly teach that yes, men should share in the chores and not demand or expect that the woman carry all the burdens of the house, and yes, men should look for opportunities to serve the lady – be it with a home cooked meal, a lengthy massage and so forth. Remember, whenever we serve the other person, we also enjoy the rewards of fulfillment; that is the real meaning of “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” We all need to learn to give and receive!
If you are the woman who refuses or is resistant to cooking for your husband, boyfriend or partner, be open and honest with yourself; why are you resisting? What do you believe would be the consequences of cooking for him? Is the resistance a power struggle? Is the resistance about resentment? Are you trying to punish him? Do you simply not want to give to him?
If the relationship is not in balance and you are giving more than you are receiving, or he is ungrateful and demands that you cook and serve as an obligation or duty, or he treats you as his servant, then address that issue. Speak with him, resolve the matter and beware of toxic resentment.
Of course, cooking is only one of many forms of expressing love and each one of us, has different needs and ways of feeling loved. Generally, it is believed that there are 5 languages of love with cooking regarded as a sixth. Read my article “What do you need to feel loved?”
Finally, I do believe that cooking is an expression of love and nurturing and therefore it it cannot be limited to women: I thoroughly enjoy and receive a tremendous sense of satisfaction preparing, hosting and cooking large multi-course dinners for friends. And yes, I serve the food as well!
When you choose to express love – neither ego or gender stand in the way!
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis PhD
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist