Why Men Want Women To Cook For Them

Why Do Men Want Women To Cook For Them?

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to ease some of the controversy and reveal the real reasons why men want women to cook for them.

First a quick update:

“Revenge is destroying Christie Brinkley.” 
Celebrity supermodel Christie Brinkley chose to go public about the sordid affair her husband Peter Cook had. Will Brinkley’s move harm her and her children as hatred, bitterness and revenge take over and consume her? Listen to the interview.

“Get the man you want!”
Why settle for second best or mediocrity? Get clear about the man you want and how you want to feel and be treated in a relationship, and, learn the secrets and techniques to getting the man and relationship you want and truly deserve! 

Now let’s talk about the controversial topic of what men and women want and why men want women to cook for them.

It’s often a hot topic of debate- what do men want?

What do women want?

Can we understand the other gender? Can we ever please them?

Of course, media and society generally enjoy portraying the woman as the more difficult of the two genders to comprehend and understand. There is no doubt that generally women have more depth than most men – in the sense that they have a far wider range of needs and desires than men who are often portrayed as simpletons.

Incidentally, some predominant feminine qualities include sensitivity, intuition, perception and nurturing. And based on studies of the human brain, women can actually successfully multi-task. Men just think they can. Sorry guys!

In my book, “What a woman wants” I use a joke to illustrate a point:

“There’s an old joke that compares men with women:

How to seduce a woman: compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her.  

How to seduce a man: Show up naked. Bring food.”

While I am sure that you are probably laughing or maybe even cursing after reading the above, we all agree that there is much more that is required to bring joy, satisfaction and happiness to either a man or a woman than just the above list. In the context of a relationship, I teach in my book, “Get the man you want” that men desire four things from a woman:

1. For her to look good

2. Pay attention to him, and DO things with him

3. Regular and exciting sex

4. Treat him like a king

Now before the ladies get mad with me, I am not saying that the above is right and appropriate, but rather, that is the way it is. For example, testosterone –the primary hormone in men promotes action, assertiveness, aggressiveness and competitiveness in men. In women, the hormonal profile creates and promotes different responses and needs – for example, women respond to stress by tending and befriending. Right or wrong? That’s the way it is. In the same way that touch is so important to women and most women feel loved when hugged, held and caressed, men too, have different needs.  The reference to wanting to be treated like a king is not about power, dominance or superiority. Rather it is about feeling significant, respected, appreciated and being granted the opportunity to lead.

So again, the question remains, “Why do men want women to cook for them?”

Is it because they simply want to be treated like king?

Is it because they believe they are superior, and that cooking and the kitchen is only the domain of a woman?

Beyond some of the potential sexist responses by some men, the answer lies much deeper than that, and it may even shock you.

I would like to answer that question with a story.

I recall it was during one of visits to my home in Australia in my late twenties when I was in the kitchen. My mom had cooked me a meal and let me know that it was ready. I sat down to eat, and for the first time I ever experienced the following, I consciously became aware of something truly significant. I noticed that I didn’t want to get up and get it for myself.

Until age 10, when she passed, my grandmother lived with us and was my primary caretaker. After she passed away, my brother and I would cook for ourselves. My mom was studying for her PhD during my early childhood & teen years and she arrived home very late. So it was rare for her to cook and my elder brother and I would cook our own meals at our father’s beckoning.

So while it had been a habit for me, for most of my childhood life, to cook for myself, this time as an adult, I wanted my mother to serve me the food that she had cooked.

I wondered to myself, “Why is this important to me?”

And then it hit me.

It was not about me wanting to be a king.

Rather, it was about me wanting to feel loved as well as believing that the food would actually taste better when served by my mother. I did not see this as a sexist or demeaning request or desire on my part, but rather, a simple desire to receive love and nurturing on this occasion.

For the ladies, it is critical to understand that men express love by “doing” and “giving” things – usually tangible things and therefore, to a man, it is also an expression of love when a woman serves a man and gives him something. Underneath all of the pseudo male macho superiority, men also seek nurturing from women and they find that to be expressed with food and receiving.

Having said all of the above, I also humbly teach that yes, men should share in the chores and not demand or expect that the woman carry all the burdens of the house, and yes, men should look for opportunities to serve the lady – be it with a home cooked meal, a lengthy massage and so forth. Remember, whenever we serve the other person, we also enjoy the rewards of fulfillment; that is the real meaning of “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” We all need to learn to give and receive!

If you are the woman who refuses or is resistant to cooking for your husband, boyfriend or partner, be open and honest with yourself; why are you resisting? What do you believe would be the consequences of cooking for him? Is the resistance a power struggle? Is the resistance about resentment? Are you trying to punish him? Do you simply not want to give to him?

If the relationship is not in balance and you are giving more than you are receiving, or he is ungrateful and demands that you cook and serve as an obligation or duty, or he treats you as his servant, then address that issue. Speak with him, resolve the matter and beware of toxic resentment.

Of course, cooking is only one of many forms of expressing love and each one of us, has different needs and ways of feeling loved. Generally, it is believed that there are 5 languages of love with cooking regarded as a sixth. Read my article “What do you need to feel loved?” 

Finally, I do believe that cooking is an expression of love and nurturing and therefore it it cannot be limited to women: I thoroughly enjoy and receive a tremendous sense of satisfaction preparing, hosting and cooking large multi-course dinners for friends. And yes, I serve the food as well!

When you choose to express love – neither ego or gender stand in the way!

If you would like personal help to overcome issues which are negatively affecting your life and relationships, book a one-on-one session with me. 

If you would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com. Add your comments below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis PhD
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

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29 replies
  1. Avatar
    RM says:

    My husband hates it when I cook. In fact, nothing gets him more angry. I understand his parents own a restaurant and he likes to cook, but it’s gotten ridiculous. My meals are not bad most of the time. Others have eaten my food and come for meals I made and complimented my cooking. My sons eat the majority of what I cook. So I don’t understand the anger that ensues when I cook hamburgers for a quick meal or try a new recipe. I just want to learn new things and save my family money by trying new recipes to use up leftovers or other things we have in the house. That’s it. I don’t understand where this anger comes from. Even when I learned to cook early in our marriage he got so fed up with anything I made that he insisted on cooking dinner every night. It makes life really, really difficult, especially since he has many activities and doesn’t come home until late, then decides to dirty a ton of dishes after I’ve already fed the kids and cleaned up. I am amazed at women who have men who eat their food they cook. It comes as a complete shock to me.

  2. Avatar
    bigfatblob says:

    It looks to me like most hetero males need, rather than want a woman to cook for them. If he wants me to cook for him because it makes him happy in some way, that’s fine. But needing me to cook for him simply because he’s fking useless, is a bit of a turn off. Cooking is such a basic skill. There is no reason that only women should be capable of it.

  3. Avatar
    Nesma says:

    Dear Patricj Wanis, PhD,

    It might come as a surprise to you, but I don’t enjoy cookimg for a man NOT because I want to punish him, not because I am resentful towards him, not because I don’t want to give to him, not because I don’t want to be feministic, etc. I simply don’t enjoy cooking! Really, men who think a woman was born with some special skills, an extra pair of hands, a desire to do house chores, etc. – are deeply mistaken! I have not received any special set of skills, abilities or physical adjustements that would make the house chores enjoyable to me! And guess what – I also would like a man to show love to me by cooking for me! If you talk about partnership and you talk about showing love to another person by cooking for them, then I also expect to be shown love in a relationship! If only a woman is to show love to a man by doing house chores which she doesn’t enjoy – then it’s just a lot of b….hit, not love! I know what many men are going to say now, that I am a crazy femist and I’m going to spend my life alone! And maybe it’s true, I have spent most of my life alone. But if I had enjoyment in doing all the to cooking, I would find employment as a cook and earn money for it. If I need emotional support, I got much more from a single friend than from all the men I have ever dated taken together. Or I can simply see a councellor for that purpose. I do not need a man to support me financially as I work myself and don’t take time off for maternity or for looking after children. Obviously, now there will be comments from men who will say I am completely sick because I don’t want to cook for a man. So sick I will be then! And I honestly do not understand why I should be attracted to a man who would want to treat me like a kitchen device. I think I’d rather spend my life alone then being forced to do house chores which I don’t want to do in the name of ‘love’.
    PS. If I cooked a nice meal for a man and then he would just sit on his bum like a disabled moron with two left hands glued to his a.., waiting for me to come and serve him, I would kick him in his a.. until he would fly to the moon and never came back! And yes, I’m feministic and I’m proud, so thank you in advance to all those who are going to call me a feminist!

    • Avatar
      anonymous says:

      Superb…i simply loved this reply…and yes i too dislike cooking,why do all household work to be done by women????noone can answer.nd the answer we is….cooking for men is showing love????what the hell…haha

  4. Avatar
    Helena says:

    When I Chose to be celibate, one of the big reasons was freedom from household chores. I have a 400 Sq ft house, never cook and only have to do a small amount of cleaning. I find it so liberating

  5. Avatar
    Lara Daeskiwicz says:

    The other day my partner got a free hot bowl of chicken noodle soup. Organic even. But I wasn’t going to be a pushover and pick all the chicken bones out of the soup for him. My partner dealt with that, without complaints, but he just HAD to demand salt and pepper on the side of his dish, too. It’s amazing I’m even attracted to men.

  6. Avatar
    Aralia Fresia says:

    So after your mother slaved in the kitchen to make you a delicious meal, you couldn’t walk into the kitchen and serve up yourself a plate at the very least? You are a liar when you say you don’t expect to be treated like a king. You spoiled brat, you expect her to walk up to you and hand you a plate of food? You’re a baby.

  7. Avatar
    Kim says:

    If you can’t stand the heat stay out of the kitchen. I am part of the first generation of women to earn a college education, have a career and a family. I say first generation becuase I was born in 1965, and my mother was born in 1940 something. She stayed at home and raised us until we left home. She was a baby boomer and a military brat, but women like my mother are a dying breed. Later she went on to college to graduate cum laude and I can tell you she did cook, but preferred using her mind. She never complained about cooking, but it was clear to all of us, she had no love for it. With a background in agricultural science, she came at it with a scientists perspective. Cold clear logic. She bought simple food. Cooked it as fast as possible. Fed us. That was it. We ate fresh raised greens, meat and carbs. Nothing came in a box in my house, not becuase she loved it but becuase she understood the value. But things are very different for me, I earned a degree, use my mind, make money and had more choices laid out for me from the beginning – and I attribute that to my mother. I can’t speak for everyone, but dating after and during college seldom involved cooking. No one knew how, the guys or us. And they didn’t care. Dating and marriage for me, involved romance, dinners and traveling. I can’t compare my life to someone who for instance got married at 18 or early 20s, whipping up meals for their husband while they stay at home. If they were smart enough to find a husband with that kind of money, then why don’t they hire a cook and go to the gym. By standing in the kitchen, they’re going to ruin their figures and their legs. You see around us, the father or the husband cooks, becuase they like to. I suppose there is some pressure for certain women, but I never understood that. Marriages are built on trust and support, survival and sharing responsibilities. I can’t handle being worn down with extra burdens like cooking at night while I work as hard and make as much money as my husband does. And besides the money, I wasn’t born to be someones mommy, unless it my son your discussing. My husband helps takes care of me or whats the point of being married, and that includes cooking. I did respect my mother a lot for what she did, but if she didn’t have to, she wouldn’t have done it. She would have worked, made money and hired a cook. That’s just how I see it. As for me, I wouldn’t think my husband loved me or respected me at all, unless he helped with cooking and shared household responsibilities. I have a career. I make great money. I help as much I can. But, I am the queen, not the maid or the cook. I made that very clear from the very beginning. By the way I have a robot vacuum cleaner now. I think inventions will be the future of all household tasks anyway. Who knows. Maybe even cooking.

  8. Avatar
    ErisG says:

    I agree and disagree with this article.

    I DO agree that cooking for someone else CAN be a gesture of love. But it isn’t the only gesture. And it isn’t always the best gesture.

    The ultimate indicator of a “loving gesture” is time. The time it took to give/show it. Whether it’s spending a few hours making a good meal, or spending money that took 40plus hours at work to earn to give your loved one a present, it’s the time spent that matters.

    Time is a persons most valuable asset, and when someone is willing to spend their time doing something to make you happy, it doesn’t matter what the specific gesture is. And you should appreciate it on that alone.

    The time spent is one of the reasons a cooked meal is better than something you pop in microwave. So in that regard, yes I agree that cooking is a display of love.

    But it isn’t the only/most important way for a women to show love to her man.

    Men ( and women) who don’t understand what TRUE kind/loving gestures are may be doomed to fall and be distracted by false or unimpressive gestures.

    Example : A women who loves to cook. It’s not as much hair off her back to cook for her family compared to a women who taught herself to cook to take care of her family. The women loving to cook would cook regardless of who it was for, ( even if just for herself) because there is reward in the act of cooking itself. The women who taught herself to cook for her family is doing it because she wants to provide for her family, and the reward is mostly in that.

    Or a man who makes 500k a year buying his wife a piece of expensive jewelry. It’s not as much hair off his back compared to a man who buys the same piece of jewelry but only makes 10 dollars an hour. It took the man making 10/hour much longer to be able to afford that jewelry.

    I don’t mean to say that the women who loves to cook doesn’t show love by cooking for her man. But if that same women who loves cooking is also takes the time to cheat on her husband with another man, it really doesn’t matter if she cooks or not.

    I don’t mean to say that the rich man’s gift is meaningless. But if the rich man that buys his wife expensive jewelry also never spends time with her because he doesn’t make the time to, it really doesn’t matter that he gives her gifts.

    A show a love = Effort + Time. That is all. Anymore detail than that is personal preference.

    And not all men (or women) are the same when it comes to personal preference.

    But I will say that some men ( and women) allow their personal preference to be influence by whatever cultural standard exist at the time. Which is why some men just NEED a women who can cook. It has nothing to do with getting warm fuzzies seeing their baby in the kitchen, it’s more about them allowing culture to tell them what they should want in their mate.

    I personally see men who consider a women not cooking as dealbreaker as either: too lazy to learn to do it themselves or very small minded.

    But with all this said. When I love someone, I not only want to cook for them, I want to do as much as possible to show them that I care. It doesn’t start or stop with the act of cooking.

  9. Avatar
    Ange says:

    I enjoy cooking and catering to the other person! I think it really depends on the individual as well. Some men I know, love to cook while the women are not so fond of it. Hey! sea horse fathers nurture the kids after they’re born, so there are definitely some interesting things out there! It’s true though, that the majority of us are conditioned in society. This definitely creates some issues today because of past belief systems since the roles are changing. There’s an inner turmoil more than ever with the sexes! I believe in an equal and as long as there is some balance then that is the key to happiness in any relationship.

    Curious to see what happens with the generation after me…:D

  10. Avatar
    John says:

    Im a 19 year old guy and I think both women and men should learn to cook because its a serious benefit when your on your own both financially and pyschologically. It makes you feel independant and able to support yourself if you were stranded or didnt have fast food chains. However I dont think women should have to cook for guys. Its greatly appreciated but if your working a long schedule and dont have the time like most people and the guy has more time than you then he should cook for himself or buy something out. Im a guy and I wouldnt make my gf or wife do that Im capable of it myself. I still think women and men should both learn though especially when you have kids cause if you dont know how to cook thats a serious setback in raising them and stuff. so yeah I think more guys should its not just for women.

  11. Avatar
    anonymous says:

    ‘For bonus points, shame her in front of your family so they’ll tell her that it’s her duty as a wife to cook and clean up after their beloved boy.’

    Ya. I’m lucky his mother is a blatant feminist.

  12. Avatar
    anonymous says:

    ‘There’s enough stress and war in the world as it is and the last thing you need is fight with someone you love and care about because you don’t feel like making dinner.’

    That is a great point. And no– it isn’t hardwired. My boyfriend does cook. He also comes from a family where the father took care of the family. Indeed, that is SUCH a great quality in a man.. it’s so unimaginably sexy. It’s even sexier than a man with a million bucks, a BMW and a suit.

    To be honest, if a man had these expectations from me and (what horror stories) would actually demand of me that I cook and get mad if I was tired and didn’t want to, I would be very reluctant to have a–pardon the blunt force of this statement–sexual relationship with him. That is, I don’t know HOW I would bring myself to be turned on, having to deal with such a blatant (pardon, again, the language) chauvinistic DICK.

  13. Avatar
    misato-chan says:

    Wow. I must say I enjoyed reading everyone’s feedback on the article. Since I’m in a review-y kind of mood I’ll leave a little something to share with everyone.

    I come from an East Indian background where it’s commonplace for women to busy themselves in the kitchen; cook for pretty much everyone in the house; serve everyone along with perform various other tasks around the house. Having said that, one would think my mother is like that as well? *buzzer rings* NOPE! LOL. In fact, my mother is quite the opposite. And, no, she didn’t grow up in North America, in fact, she grew up back home in a village for most her life!

    My whole life, I witnessed my father doing most of the cooking, serving and cleaning. And, no, my father didn’t grow up in North America either! He is the eldest from a family of seven and started helping my grandmother – his mother – at a very young age. Might I add my father’s an awesome cook. I took on my love of good food and cooking from him 😀 [this trait, however, did not pass to my sister who prefers instant packaged cooking; she makes excellent cookies though!]

    I always thought this strange because whenever I visited any of my East Indian friends, I would always see their mothers doing things like serving food but how was it that in my household it was my father who did all of that? Whenever me and my sister got sick, it was my father who took care of us. Whenever we had issues with friends, it was my father who offered guidance and support. In fact, I don’t remember a single time when my mother did any of that for me! I do recall a small conversation during my early teens about my period but she explained it with such akwardness and nervousness that I swore she wishes she never had that conversation with me. LOL.

    My memories of times with my mother are shopping, going to the salon or attending tea parties with her friends.

    Furthermore, my mother wasn’t even working for most of my early life. So she can’t even say that it was because of work that my father shared so many household tasks! She only started working when I graduated from high school. I know this seems farfetched but I’m being totally honest. I swear!

    Having said that, I don’t think it’s hardwired into men to expect women to cook for them. I think this has to do with the individual and their relationship with their parent’s growing up. My maternal grandfather, because he lived in a village, was quite wary of village life and hired help to assist in tasks around the house, which included cooking. So, my mother and her brother’s and sisters – I hate to say – are quite spoiled. Neither my mother nor any of her sisters enjoy cooking and look at kitchen with a death glare everytime. While they do enjoy eating good food, they simply expect someone else to make it for them.

    My paternal grandmother, knew how hard city life was [back home, not here in NA] especially with my grandfather not being around half the time and her having to work two sometimes three jobs to run the household. Which, I add, was very difficult in the 1950’s in India! So she taught all her children to work as a team. Everyone looked out for each other and helped each other when needed but no one was ever too dependant on the other. They knew how to hold their own. She is still an excellent cook and her kitchen skills passed onto all my father’s brothers and sisters.

    I love cooking good food and serving it. Not just to my husband but to anyone who visits my home. I am also very sick and that usually leaves me bedridden; I am thankful for having such a wonderful husband who completely understands this and always helps around the house even when I don’t say anything. His attempts at cooking are futile but, hey, I give him points for effort. 😀

    My sister was engaged once before but the relationship didn’t work out because her personality clashed with her ex. I can relate her experience to some of the stories shared by reviewers here. She’s been dating a guy now for over three years who’s an awesome cook and they just got recently engaged.

    In the end, I think it’s all about personality, really. My heart truly goes out to my kind who’ve had to face such troubles with men they simply couldn’t get along with. It’s hard ladies and I know because it took me a while to find my husband and I’m glad I did. There’s enough stress and war in the world as it is and the last thing you need is fight with someone you love and care about because you don’t feel like making dinner.

  14. Avatar
    Jennifer says:

    Sandy had some good points. You know, I don’t like to cook because… I don’t like it. That’s all. It’s not enjoyable, and I don’t feel that the task should always fall to me simply because I possess a uterus. Not all women have an urge to nurture, and I don’t think there’s anything selfish or dysfunctional about that. Every individual is just that, an individual. Lumping all men and all women into separate categories of gender roles is a mistake.

    I’m not a victim of feminism (as if such a thing exists), and I’m not selfish. Quite the opposite, if you ask my boyfriend. His mother was not a good one, and he learned all his spoiled behavior from her, though it is something he tries to be mindful of most of the time. I shouldn’t have to make up for her failures, and he would agree. Yet there he is on the couch, asking me what’s for dinner when I walk in the door after a 12-hour work day. It’s not a need to be nurtured, it’s laziness. Pure and simple.

    How do I know? My dad is an excellent example. He lives alone, and he keeps his house clean. He cooks his own meals, washes his own laundry and dishes. Any business that needs taking care of, he does it. When he and my mother were married, he pitched in with cooking, errands and housework. They both worked full-time jobs, they both were tired when they got home at the end of the day — but he didn’t laze around while my mother continued to bust her butt. That would hardly have been fair or right.

    So yes, emerging into the real world I did expect to find a man who had the same sense of fairness. Unfortunately, many men are coddled by their families and while perfectly able-bodied, believe it’s not their job to take care of themselves. Just find some women to do it so they can spend their free time pursuing hobbies, visiting friends, or just relaxing in front of the TV. If a particular woman is resistant to being a live-in maid and chef, attempt to guilt her by insinuating that she’s selfish and doesn’t truly love you. For bonus points, shame her in front of your family so they’ll tell her that it’s her duty as a wife to cook and clean up after their beloved boy.

    Resentful? Yes, but not of him. The resentment is for outdated beliefs about “women’s work,” which still benefits men but does no favors for women who hold down jobs outside the home. In the 21st century it’s not really acceptable anymore to say, “Cooking is a woman’s job,” so we have authors like Mr. Wanis who attempt to find deeper reasons behind why men should largely be excused from such a tedious task, and why women should be content to pick up the slack.

    Sometimes I’ll willingly cook a meal because it makes my boyfriend happy. He loves a good artery-clogging breakfast. But sorry, I don’t think of my time or my activities as less valuable than his, and therefore if he’s hungry, there’s no reason he can’t get up off his duff and make something himself.

  15. Avatar
    Elinor Entity says:

    Dear Patrick and everyone,

    I like cooking and am a very good cook but I don’t see cooking a hot meal from scratch every night as part of my duty statement. I work full time and don’t get home until 6.00 or even later. He works too but on a part-time basis. He likes to come home and go straight to the computer. I know he is waiting for me to produce dinner, waiting for me to call him when it is ready. It drives me crazy. He will cook on occasion but there is no doubt that he wants me to do it, expects me to do it, and looks forward to me doing it. The children are all grown up, I don’t even like eating at night, it is really all for him. Plus, he wants to to eat early so I have to start cooking the minute I get in the door. He gets so upset when I say I don’t want to do it. It is almost the only thing we disagree about but it is a real issue for me. Sometimes I feel so irritated I think of leaving. I really do believe it is all about his mother, who never mothered him properly, but what does that have to do with me? We’ve been together almost 30 years now and this dinner drama is getting worse all the time. I feel like an idiot standing there at the stove still in my work clothes while he is entertaining himself upstairs and waiting to be called to the table. Is it worth breaking up over? What is the alternative? HELP!

    • Avatar
      Patrick Wanis says:

      Dear Elinor,

      thank you for being candid about the way you feel.
      And yes, you sound very frustrated.
      Your said “Is it worth breaking up over? What is the alternative?”
      Yes, there are alternatives.

      First, you said you have been married for 30 years and your kids are now grown up. So, there must be something else that keeps the two of you together. Is it habit, love, companionship, commitment or something else.

      Who told you that you must cook “a hot meal from scratch every night as part of my duty statement”?
      My first suggestion is to talk with your husband about your feelings and ask him what he wants and let him know that you are tired and how you feel pressured to cook every night.

      Also, ask yourself, why you resent the cooking? Is it because you are tired, because he expects it, because you resent that you work full time and he doesn’t? Is it because you feel that cooking is like mothering him? Cooking can be an expression of love and nurturing without being about mothering someone. It depends on the feeling – duty or love?

      Have you also thought about cooking together?

      Have you spoken with him to mention “I feel like an idiot standing there at the stove still in my work clothes while he is entertaining himself upstairs and waiting to be called to the table.”

      What he could he do to express love, appreciation and gratitude to you?

      You are right that it is not your fault or problem that his mother never mothered him properly but do you want to be like her or add to his pain?

      In closing, I sincerely feel the answer is in a conversation with him. Come from a place of vulnerability and honesty. Speak about your feelings and avoid attacking him. ask questions but also let him know that you feel like an idot standing over the stove.
      FInally, before you do that, ask yourself, why you feel like an idiot? Does it relate to something you witnessed growing up? Was your mother the idiot serving or slaving for dad?

      I hope this helps.
      All the best,

  16. Avatar
    lisa says:

    A very interesting read! Thank you Patrick for confirming and reinforcing my personal beliefs and cultural upbringing. I grew up in a mixed tradition background. But both sides of the family food was a way of nurturing and showing love too the family. Both my parents cooked for us as children and in fact my dad is the better cook. (He would agree quietly) It is a tradition that is now part of my own family life. With busy modern lives both of us working long hours, its important to take time out to remember the little things in life that keeps families together and mealtimes is a valuable time. i really get pleasure from their faces when food is put in front of them. I cook everything from scratch and dont believe in ready meals. they never taste right, and are always disappointing.

    I love to cook for my man! and my children. It is an expression of love. And i think was one of the things that he was impressed by when we first met. He comes from a traditional Caribbean background where food is very symbolic and central to family life. For men in the Caribbean cooking is seen as a tool, skill, and most fathers do much of the cooking. However, To serve him is not submissive it is appreciation, and i love it when he serves food for me. my Jewish grandmother said. if you love to eat.. then you should learn to cook..She then would say that you have to put love into your food or it will taste bitter!. i really miss her cooking. Both of my children cook passionately and i hope they continue the role of feeding people you love and care for.
    thank you

    • Avatar
      Patrick Wanis says:

      Dear Lisa,

      thanks for sharing your personal story and experience. I find your grandmother’s words to be wisdom: “if you love to eat.. then you should learn to cook..She then would say that you have to put love into your food or it will taste bitter!” Both my grandmother’s were amazing cooks and whenever I would travel to stay with one of them for a couple of weeks (she lived in another state) I would return home bigger! It’s funny that I noticed that as child and some of my greatest memories are the love I felt from their cooking. Interestingly, their culture said “I will be offended if you don’t eat all of your food.” And yes, food was a celebration! And a tasty one at that!

      All the best,

  17. Avatar
    Ramon Rodriguez says:

    The responses from the mainly anglosaxon women show how thoroughly they have been programmed and brainwashed by feminism.

    They have been sold a pack of lies. Women who do not know how to cook are basically missing an essential part of running a household and taking care of their family.

    Hispanic women know that taking care of their husbands implies cooking. Our culture revolves around extended family who drop by and visit and yes food plays an important role.

    It is considered rude in our culture not to offer a guest something to eat and drink. Usually coffee, soda or juice. THERE IS ALWAYS FOOD AVAILABLE, and 9 out of 10 is homemade stuff freshly cooked.

    It is regrettable that women do not learn how to cook from their mothers or grandmothers. Cooking is a basic skill, but feminist indoctrination has made it anathema for women.

    I learned how to cook by watching my mother (she only had boys). I would go to the supermarket or the butcher and get the ingredients for her.

    Watching her has served me well. In today’s economic climate, an easy way to save money is to cook meals at home.

    for the $7-9 dollars people spend at a fast food joint, I can prepare a beef, pork, or chicken dish that can feed me for 2 days without all the chemicals, etc.

    Do these women think it is ok to feed your kids(if they even have them) fast food, processed crap like chef-Boyardee or those maruchan soups??

    to me that is child abuse!!!!

    For me a woman that does not know how to cook is a deal-breaker. As they say in Spanish “mejor solo que mal acompañado”

    • Avatar
      Patrick Wanis says:

      Dear Ramon,

      thanks for sharing your insights and opinion.

      I recall many years ago, the first time I was traveling in Europe (from Australia) I was passing through Italy – San Remo – and I noticed that the people were not just eating, they were celebrating. To the Italians, food was a celebration. Today, as a result of our stressed out lives and our shift in priorities, we do not view food as a celebration and we now view it either as a burden or a necessity; we get annoyed that we (or our employees) need to eat because it is interrupting our work or we view it as a bare neccessity when we refer to having just eaten by saying “that hit the spot” or “that filled the hole.” Notice that many people also refer to food as “fuel’ thus removing the enjoyment of the ritual of eating. I have lived around the world and I noticed that even in Africa (The Gambia), food was a special occassion – familes gathered and the ritual of eating was about the social connection, the sharing of food and the enjoyment and celebration of food. and yes, the Latins and Mediteranneans follow the same ritual and significance.

      Accordingly, for the majority of the rest of us, we swallow the food as fast as possible so we can get on with the rest of our day and we do not listen to our body about what it needs.

      My finall point is a critical issue – women who refuse to cook because they are either punishing the man in their life or because they simply do not have any desire to care for or nurture him, and I believe this to be a sign that she does not love him or there is some resentment on her part towards him.

      Again, thanks Ramon for openly sharing with us your insights and cultural experiences.
      All the best,

  18. Avatar
    Sy says:

    Thank You so much for this discussion, I am 30yrs and newly divorced. I have just started dating again and noticed almost every guy I talk to, ask about cooking. I have just started online dating and wanted to know why cooking was so important to men. I can cook but I also associate cooking with love so I find it difficult to cook for someone I only like and have only know for a short while. This helped bring me little insight on the topic.

  19. Avatar
    shane says:

    who ever says that cooking for a man is not important is 100 persent wrong. all men love it. it comes from childhood, and when their moms cooked for them. and when they get married they want the same thing, being taken care of, thats why alot of them want theirs moms when they are sick. who ever says other wise is wrong.

  20. Avatar
    SueGee says:

    I think it is socialized more than hard wired in anyone.

    The problem is that usually both people in a marriage work full time now and it is really unfair for the man to expect his wife to come home after working a full day and cook for him while he loafs on the sofa.

    I do think men are hard wired to get as much as they can for as little effort possible from them.

    I am newly married and my husband is trying to get me to act like his mommy. I simply won’t do it. I’m his wife, not his mommy.

    I worked a full day yesterday and have an hour commute each way. My husband won’t drive so he has a workmate to take him to and from work. So my husband gets home an hour before me and what does he do? Loaf on the sofa playing online until I get home and then I am supposed to haul him over to his old house to clean up and the cats are out of food so I have to go to the grocery after I drop him off to shop and then I get home and the laundry is still sitting in the washer so i put it in the drier and then I finally sit down and about 10 minutes later he calls wanting me to pick him up cause he is done and then he has the nerve to ask me to cook him dinner!

    I said no way. He should be waiting on me hand and foot since he is home before I get home and I make 3x as much as he does! 😉

    • Avatar
      Patrick Wanis says:

      Dear SueGee,

      if you have read any of my work, then you know that I promote balance in all situations; and in yours, there is a huge imbalance. What you described above has nothing to do with gender but rather character, morals and values. Your husband is acting completely selfishly, irresponsibily and lazily. It doesn’t matter who makes more money or who is the man or the woman. The key here is being thoughftul, loving, caring, giving and forming a partnership. You might be right that he wants a mommy, but I feel the issue is deeper and he was possibly never taught to give but rather to only take and quite possibly he might resent you because he does not make as much money as you and he feels inadequate and thus he is finding a way to expresse his resentment, punish you or sabotage the marriage.


      I suggest you sit down and have an open discussion. Express your feelings without attacking him and ask a lot of questions such as what does he believe the role of a man and woman to be? Does it matter if a woman makes more money than a man? (If he is such a patriarchal man, then it will matter and annoy him!) Does he believe that a man and woman should share the chores and responsibilities of the household? If not, why not? And if not, and if the woman makes the most amount of money, should she do less work around the home and the man do more?

      I believe you will be shocked by his honest answers.
      Please let me know how it goes.
      All the best,

  21. Avatar
    Anonymous says:

    I love how Sandy expects her man to risk his life to protect her and work long hours to provide yet she refuses to cook a meal.

    Its selfish to expect protection but to not even cook a meal in return?

    She says men give materially and women don’t. So how is it a partnership if a man has to give materially also known as providing for the family and also share every other duty?

    I wonder if Sandy even gives the men in her life birthday gifts since women are not wired to give in this manner.

    Maybe men find women who don’t expect protection and money and don’t whine about cooking much more attractive than women who selfishly expect all these things.

    • Avatar
      RM says:

      He protects her? Exactly how? Men do not offer protection of any sort in many relationships today. I was forced to work when my kids were little and put them in daycare. My husband did not want to protect them in any way, shape or form, and they were hit, hardly fed and treated poorly while I worked to make him happy. He did not even flinch when my 8 yr. old came to him the other day and told him how he went hungry all day long at age 2 at a daycare and didn’t have the words to tell me, and that the daycare provider also hit his older brother many times.Not a shred of emotion. Doesn’t sound like protection to me.

  22. Avatar
    Sandy says:

    Sorry, but I don’t wholeheartedly agree with your conclusion. First of all, I believe that the desire that a man has for a woman to cook for him is more psychological than physiological. And it’s more societal than biological. The overt and subtle messages that society broadcasts to men (or women, for that matter) shape a large part of how they think. Of course, there are behaviors that I believe each gender is hard-wired for (women nurturing babies, men physically protecting his family, etc.) but most of the currently accepted norms are sociological in nature–adopted over thousands of years of common acceptance and convenience, and based just one particular type of household dynamic. I do not think that the act of cooking is one of the aforementioned hard-wired behaviors.

    As a woman, I don’t feel an innate desire to cook just as many men that I know don’t. I view it as a survival skill, a chore, a necessity that needs to get done by someone, whoever it is, so that we can get nourishment until the next time we have to eat. And, to speak to your point about men wanting to receive things as an expression of love since that is their way of showing it, too, I disagree with that, too. Yes, men show their love by giving–usually in material ways. But women, who also show their love by giving, do so in non-material ways. They give emotionally. They nurture, support, advise, etc. But they do not give materially. Therefore, giving food is not how women are wired to show their love to their husbands. Yes, it’s how women show their love to their children, but not necessarily their husbands. So for a man to desire that a woman cook for him, to me, shows that he wants his wife to play, to an extent, the role of HIS mother and NOT the equal partnership of his wife. This, to me, is indicative of deep-seated issues stemming from the man’s inability to lose dependence from his parents–specifically his mother. Oftentimes, mothers, as loving and giving as they are towards their children, refuse to “cut the cord”, especially with their sons. This is the root cause of the problem and an issue that deserves a discussion entirely on its own. Furthermore, the fact that wives don’t see this behavior for what it is and allow these types of men to continue to place “motherly” expectations on them to make up for their lack of independence just makes the trend more widespread and accepted.

    What really needs to happen is for women to stop allowing themselves to be pigeonholed into these mother roles towards their husbands. The wife is the mother to the children, NOT to the husband. And the husband is the father of the children, NOT of the wife. The husband and wife are partners who must work together to provide for their children. That is the biological purpose of a marriage–to create and nurture offspring. When either the wife or husband places their needs in the same category of those of the children, that is when dysfunctional marriages occur. Yes, some people may be happy in these types of marriages, and those who think similarly along those lines would match well. But for those of us who understand the optimal roles that women and men should fill for one another, that of partner, we will have to just keep looking for like-minded folks and try not to marry the other type. Hopefully, over time, it will be easier to do this because, although progress has been made, we’re still a long ways away from that reality!

    I hope you didn’t take offense! I am from a culture that has a lot of “mommas boys” so it’s an issue that I come across pretty regularly and it aggravates me to no end. I find independent, strong men so much more attractive and, in fact, I think that most women would agree!

  23. Avatar
    Rain says:

    I’m simmering homemade yellow thai curry as I read this waiting for my boyfriend to come home from work. I have found that I want and enjoy cooking for the people I really love. I know things aren’t going to work with a guy if I don’t want to feed him, lol! However, in my childhood home myself and my two younger brothers were in charge of fixing and serving all meals and my brother, Warren, makes the best peach cobbler I have ever tasted. He now cooks meals for his wife and started a “cook off” group with their other married friends and he won the last weekly cook off with his low fat chili. My sister-in-law says that the meals he made for her were part of what made her fall in love. My other brother also cooks when he can although his wife loves to cook and often just won’t let him. Overall I think all humans want someone who will feed and serve them. What is more loving then someone wanting to make sure your belly is full of good food you made for them!

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